Monday Recap: Going Home

Who did we meet?: No one new in the episode (Oh Hai Smee.)- BUT that promo! Make peace right meow with the fact that the emerald-skinned behatted woman in those promos is NOT Elphaba. And byee Felix. #notsorry

When/Where did the events take place?: Present Day Storybrooke, Pre-Dark Curse Enchanted Forest, 11 years ago Phoenix. If you aren't familiar with the word or concept of retconning - get familiar.

Why is this important?: If you "killed" the Blue Fairy and resurrected her within the span of not even two whole episodes, do you really expect us to believe Rumpelstiltskin is "dead"?

Wait, what?: "One day our story will reveal itself." Our story. Not our stories - implying all the residents of the EF.  I could have sworn this was Snow White and Prince Charming's story. I have to keep coming back to this. WHY are they called Fairy Tales? History is written by the winners.

Oh Henry!: A TRON lunchbox. REALLY.

Really OUAT?: We couldn't get Ruby back for this episode? Or Dr. Whale? Or Cinderella? Or Dr. Hopper?  It would have been nice to see ALL the residents of Storybrooke coming together, saying their goodbyes, whatever.

Best Line: "All I ever wanted was for us to raise our child together" - Snow White Really? That's ALL you ever wanted. Ever. YOU ARE A QUEEN. YOU HAVE A QUEENDOM TO RULE. Sense of duty? No? Somewhere dead King Leopold and dead Queen Eva are shaking their heads sadly. #shutupsnow

Remaining Questions/Random Thoughts/Crackpot Theories:

I really hope the Black Fairy turns out to be Maleficent.


OUAT, take a lesson. Whoopi Goldberg. Audra McDonald. Black nuns are the best nuns. Make good use of the one sister who got lines in this episode.

Hook NEVER changes his clothes, and he is wearing a LOT of leather. He smells. That's all there is to it at this point. 

Why does the shadow (FINE PAN'S SHADOW) have such a fixation on the fairy-nuns? What else does the shadow being destroyed mean? Does that mean Owen is alive again too? Will John and Michael rapidly age? DID they go back to London?

Something in Emma's eyes at the end of the episode makes me think Hook's Smooch Gambit worked. Is Emma going to have to convince Henry to believe now?

Why/How does the undoing of the curse affect Bae/Neal? He wasn't among the initially cursed. Same deal with Pinocchio - although he's now A Little Wooden Boy so maybe it doesn't matter? But Neal has memories in Neverland, and he's STILL Henry's biological father - is he going to have fake memories too? Not ever going to Neverland? Actually, how is this curse going to affect everyone if their memories are wiped AND Rumpel is gone. He's key to a lot (all) of the stories. So...is it like he never existed? Do they all have fake memories of how he died? That's kind of shitty, being that he sacrificed himself and all.


Lots of questions - which is to be expected as it is midseason and we won't have new episodes until MARCH.  But it's ok you guys, we're a year in the future. So Henry's 12, and Emma is 30 now. This matters.

This wasn't a bad episode. A little schmaltzy, and I wish they'd let these kind of moments happen in little ways in every episode instead of ALL THE FEELINGS at the midseason break. The folks on this show are good actors when they can really get into it. I wish they'd do it more often.

Monday Recap: New Neverland OR Spoilers in The Woods.

 It's just not mid-season without a Return to Storybrook Reunion! Hey gang, let's go to Arnold's Granny's for a burger and a malt!...or lasagna and hot cocoa. Whatever.

Who did we meet?: Medusa...I guess? I have issues with this. Medusa is a Gorgon. They *could* have just gone Gorgon-hunting for their own EF specific gorgon. They could have worked in the story of Medusa (and Perseus) for framing/exposition/context, and had the same message. Interestingly, in many Greek interpretations, Medusa is the ONLY gorgon that isn't immortal, which is why Perseus is able to defeat her. I feel like Monster Hunting Belle would have been a better choice for this action. There's always someone who can benefit from a 'don't be self-defeating' message. Somehow, this story was trying to draw a parallel between Snow and Emma and it just didn't work. Self defeating indeed OUAT.

Where and When did the events take place: Enchanted Forest AFTER Snow and Charming are married(Wow, she calls him "Charming" through most of their courtship and early marriage. Does she even KNOW he isn't actually James?) but before the Dark Curse is cast.  Modern Day Storybrook.

Why is this important?: I'm with Tinkerbell - why would the shadow kill The Blue Fairy? In order to achieve his goal of freaking out the town enough for Regina to secure him in the vault, Pan could have had the shadow kill literally anyone. It's the appearance of the shadow that gets him what he wants, not the "death" of the Blue Fairy.

I have real doubts about this shadow ripping thing. We've seen a few characters now who have had their shadows separated from their bodies. The "rules" for this are fast and loose. As far as I'm concerned, no one's dead until we see a body  - and even then, with magic in effect, I'm skeptical. It's more than possible that I'm just being stubborn, but I think it is worth remembering that the creature we keep referring to as 'Pan's Shadow' is not actually HIS shadow. It's...just a dark spirit. Maybe the spirit of Neverland?  I'm not prepared to write The Blue Fairy off as dead yet. Heck I'm still not convinced that Greg/Owen is dead! Consider that Rumpel cuts his own shadow loose (where IS that dagger, BTW?) with no ill-seeming effects. Pan controls John and Michael by taking possession of THEIR shadows, and other than slowing their aging process (is that how this works?) they seem to retain their relative agency. Pan and Henry have SWAPPED shadows, and both are still conscious and walking around. So this is potentially 5 characters walking around mostly unharmed to two that we're counting as 'dead'. I think the shadow ripping is a way of taking a character out of play while still leaving the door open for them to return in present-day.

Wait, what?: Hook, were you NOT bitching a few episodes back about how hard it is to love again and now you're trying to get Tinkerbell drunk for some rebound Pixie secks? Even more recently,  didn't you say you were "in this for the long haul" to Neal. "This" meaning your fruitless pursuit of Emma that you're going to call True Love based on one sort of hot-but-blackmailey kiss? The "this" that you immediately sort of skeevishly toss in Emma's face when she asks what you and Tink are up to, and you sort of leer and make your gross intentions known? Did anyone else feel like this is a path that Hook and Tink have trod before?  #TeamTink for calling him out on his sorry-ass game, but it does sort of feel like an "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice..." moment.

Oh Henry!: How old are you, exactly? Cause you look 14, but in the chronology of the show you're...11/12. Fine. Do 12 year olds have bedtimes? Even if they do, do they still get tucked in? Are we just going to refuse to acknowledge that Henry is ACTUALLY growing up? According to Regina she's been soothing his nightmares for 10 years. And hooray for non conforming and rejecting gender norms, but that lamp was a little...um, unheroic. Henry always struck me as more of a 'knights and lances' kid than rainbows and unicorns. And Regina's CERTAINLY not the hearts and flowers type. So that lamp (That Henry-Pan looks at and the camera focuses on, and is the only source of light in the room) feels really out of place.

Really OUAT Snow?: You're so baby crazy you can't be bothered to work on your relationship with your grown daughter or grandson beyond being super opinionated about her social life? Why are you so rah-rah Neal anyway? Please remember he IS the guy who knocked your daughter up and let her take the fall for him and go to jail.

Riddle me this. If there were an abandoned castle full of weapons, and lets assume provisions as well, why would you NOT attempt to take back the kingdom from THERE? It's possible I'm forgetting something - pretty sure Regina had taken up residence in the Summer Castle for awhile. But knowing there are several (!) malevolent forces that would happily remove you and the erstwhile shepard from your newly aquired thrones, wouldn't you think to have someone HOLD THE CASTLE for you? You have SEVEN dwarves as your queensguard - can't you place three of them (and maybe a werewolf and her crossbow toting granny) and use the place as a B&B.

So you decide you want to spend your honeymoon in a moderately-to-heavily fortified but uninhabited castle in the winter, (clearly those were enchanted dropcloths protecting that expensive weaponry)  designed for summer dwelling, within walking distance of an ancient immortal monster. Smart.

Snow and Charming are the least quiet assassins ever. Also, Snow White you're noble, but dumb as a box of rocks. Let's allow for the possibility that you die going after an "immortal" monster that can turn flesh to stone. WHO'S GOING TO RULE THE KINGDOM IF YOU DIE? You're really just awful at this queencraft thing. But OH HEY YOU GUYS SHE USED THE PERSEUS MIRROR TRICK. Didn't see that coming At. All.

Oh and that line Grumpy fed you about "Thin masonry"? Girl he is STALKING YOUR ASS. Watch yourself.

Happy ...Endings?

1. "It's time for the Darlings to go home." To...London? Seriously, are John and Michael masquerading as a gay couple, and are they going to continue this masquerade with Wendy as their adopted daughter? Because, if so, they are going to need so much Skype time with Dr. Hopper.

2. "Ariel." "Eric." YOU'VE FOUND EACH OTHER NOW KISS END OF STORY. I feel a little bit bad that Ariel's happy ending was sort of flung at her in a 'ohyeahhereyougo' manner, but then, her and Eric's whole storyline romance felt forced and flung. Does he know she is...was...a mermaid? IS she still a mermaid? So many questions. Also, Ariel, for someone who just got legs those are some very high heels. And what kind of fisherman/fishmonger wears a white cable-knit sweater? I've been fishing. I've gutted fish. It is smelly, messy work. You wear weather-sensible water resistant clothing for that kind of work. Maybe Eric's kingdom is just known for poor sartorial choices? At this point, I assume Ariel is some sort of pregnant.

3. An elixir. Just like that. With time for a wardrobe change! Dreamshade CURED FOREVER. It almost makes me miss the days when True Love's Kiss solved everything. (Except the things it didn't.)

Subtext Theatre!

Belle: "So...What now?" (hint hint) "You can start thinking about your future." (hint hint) "There are countless paths you could take." (BITCH WHERE IS MY RING?)

Blue Fairy: "I know [that her name is Tinkerbell]. I just didn't think-" (I didn't think You People would honestly expect me to address you by those 'names' outside of Green History Month.) "In case you forgot, I don't take orders from you." (See You Next Tuesday Madame "Mayor". *snap*)

Snow "Procreation Makes Me Hot" White: "I want to start a family." (BABIES. Babies babies. Chop chop. Let's see that babymaker!)
Prince "Delayed Gratification" Charming: "So do I." (Let's start now. Regina DID tell you where babies come from, right?)
Snow: "We can't wait anymore. We have to start our family now." (BabiesBabiesBabies) "What better way to make a good moment with a child?" (BABIES!!! BAYBEESE!!! RAAAARGHHH PUT BABY IN BELLY!!!)
Charming: "Then a child we shall have." (So, you mean we're really going to do this and not just make out with our clothes on? Oh boy. Give me a minute. That's just...that's a lot of pressure, you know?)

Emma: "You're great parents" (Well, you're parents anyway. I don't really have a frame of reference for GREAT parents do I? Let's think about why that is...)

Regina: "Magic isn't the answer." (Except for when I use it. G'night!)

Reality Check Revue!

The Lady Swan? As in...Elizabeth Swan? First - wrong movie, and Second - JESUS HOOK IT WAS ONE KISS LET IT GO. Also, a little real talk. Neal is Henry's biological father. And with Graham dead (RIP) and Sidney still in the nuthouse (IS he still in there? Someone should really let him out.), he's the only father figure we care about on this show Henry's got. As long as Emma wants to wear the mantle of being Henry's mother, Neal is going to be a Person of Importance in Her Life. Whether it's romantically or not is up to her, but he will ALWAYS be in the picture. Deal. With. It. Or kill him, and be prepared to have THAT hanging over your head.


Random Thoughts: I do kind of like Emma and David having little moments of honesty and understanding. It's good that he knows his (dingaling) wife well enough to know that she's being a little nuts about this Neal thing. Charming speaking sense - we're responsible for our own happiness. Life being about moments. It's not something that happens often, so we'll let him have this one. But a Charming-strong ep of OUAT is like a Meg-ep of Family Guy. #ShutUpMeg

Felix was in jail and Henry-Pan just...let him out, (Is this Storybrook or Mayberry?) but where are the other Lost Boys? I like to think they're just roaming the obviously chilly streets of Storybrooke, because NO one was in any kind of hurry to take them in. Maybe they should have an adoption day at Petco.

Remaining Questions/Crackpot Theories: So what does the Dark Curse need? The last time we saw Regina attempt the curse, she needed a hair from those with the darkest souls (let's assume we're going to ignore that ingredient list because our likelyhood of getting Karl Rove and Kim Jung Un to guest star is low) and the heart of the thing you love the most. This is the one that actually matters. Regina sacrificed her horse and then her father in the name of this curse. This is the kind of curse that requires a sacrifice. The way I see it, there are two...maybe three, hearts Pan can use. He can use Henry's, which is problematic as he's currently inhabiting Henry's body and needs that heart to, y'know, live. The second option...the interesting choice...is using Rumpelstiltskin's. If he's effectively able to cast the curse w/Rumpel's heart, then...he loves his son. He loved him all along, even if he couldn't/wouldn't be any kind of a decent father to him. This could also be the means through which the prophecy is fulfilled. The third maybe-option is to use Pan-on-the-outside-Henry-on-the-inside. It's still physically Pan's heart, so it could be an act of EXTREME narcissism to use that heart, but it might also take out Henry.

Monday Recap: Save....Henry?

Well. Well well well. All the hashtaggery has led us to this episode. And it was an interesting one. [Requisite Spoiler Warning]

Who did we meet?: No one new, but we got a new take on some old characters and it was nice to see the likes of Granny, Archie, and Dr. Whale again.

When and Where did the events take place?: 10/11 years ago in Storybrook, Present Day Neverland.

Wait, what?: Did Rumpel/Gold have his memories or not before the curse broke? He clearly has knowledge of Regina, The Dark Curse, the whole magilla in S1 when he accesses enough magic that the word "please" can stop Regina in her tracks. So did he ever lose his memories? Or has he bluffed the entire time? I want to revisit this, and get some clarity on what Rumpel knew and when. I doubt we will.

Also, how did we solve the problem of getting David out of Neverland? Did we actually figure that out, or are we just depending on Rumpel to twiddle his fingers and fix everything?

Why is this important?: Tinkerbell is getting  her magic back. She's got pixie dust - only a little, and it's inert! (So just, dust then?) Is this the OUAT equivalent of a Chekovian Gun?

Really OUAT?: Yeah, let's just open Pandora's box on the ship. What could possibly go wrong? I knew they should have turned Pan into a puppet.

Oh Henry!: Alright, he was a cute baby. I'll give them that. The OUAT folks know how to cast youngsters...with one notable exception.

Random Thoughts: I'm super bored with Felix and his slow slightly sinister sycophantic repetition.

Is it my imagination, or are some of those Lost Boys girls? Aside from Wendy, I mean. Is it just ordinary childlike androgeny, or are some of them girls?

Regina forgetting her worries for Henry is actually a fairly selfless and insightful act. It's pretty telling that for Henry she was willing to put aside her all-consuming and near constant desire for revenge for Henry's sake, especially when she was so close to returning him to the baby store.

Also YAY Regina - No Regrets! That's a powerful message. I can't regret the bad things I've done because they led me to my son. There's a difference between regret and remorse, and I'll hope for a little redemption for Regina - but now let's take that No Regrets mantra to the next level and say no resentment? Regina's moments with Henry were really sweet and genuine. Way to shut Snow and Emma up. Or down. Whichever. And yay for Rumpel giving her credit for raising him - that ish is WORK.

I wonder if Snow White resents that Regina got to raise a baby? Regina got all that first word/first steps/first tooth stuff that Snow never got with Emma. BUT EMMA WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE MECONIUM.

A spell so no one can ever take your heart...that seems like the kind of thing that's a good idea in theory, but can go horrifically wrong in practice. And by practice, I mean puberty. Of course, it comes in very handy 3 seconds later. But when all this resolves, and everyone is restored to their rightful bodies after the Super Duper Shadow Swap, not being able to take Henry's heart might be a problem for...I dunno, Wendy? Or Jefferson's daughter Grace? Who can eventual teen Henry get paired up with in Storybrook who is age-appropriate and he isn't already related to?

In what universe did two grown men (is being brothers part of their cover story in this world, or...what?) just line up to adopt babies 18 years ago without any raised eyebrows? Is this a progressive take or lazy writing?

Remaining Questions: Alright now let's see which Storybrookian recognizes that Henry is #NotAcuallyHenry.

Will it be Charming and Snow because True Love?

Will it be Emma and Neal because Biology?

Will it be Regina  because Nurture>Nature?

Or will it be Rumpel, because he knows his father's methods, and it will be SUPER AWKWARD because didn't he promise not to kill Henry, but the only way Pan can die is if Rumpel dies and OMIGOD ALL THIS SETUP.

Or will it be Hook when he catches Henry Pan stealing his guyliner.


....I'm betting on Hook.

Monday Recap: Think Spoilery Thoughts

Since last week I failed at life and blogging, I am posting this super early. I may go back and do a posthumous post on Dark Hollow based on my notes, but know that this entry is very much a stream-of-semiconsciousness first draft and thanks to the good people at Time Warner Cable I missed the first 10-12 minutes of Think Lovely Thoughts.

Seriously, if ever there were spoilers - HERE THERE BE SPOILERS. Turn back.

Well. The bottom of the family tree starts with Henry..

GOOD GRIEF IS THE ONLY WAY TO NOT DIE ON THIS SHOW TO BE IMMEDIATELY RELATED TO HENRY??? Wait no. Cora died.

Who did we meet?: Li'l Rumpel! Rumpelstiltskin's two moms. And deadbeat dad. Sins of the father much?

When and Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest during Rumpel's youth, (This is now the furthest back we've gone in EF time!), and present day Neverland. Where it is now apparently daylight.

What did we learn?: Peter Pan's backstory, duh. Seriously SPOILERS AHEAD. Last warning.

Wait, what?: When did everyone have time for a wardrobe change? NOW Regina loses the blazer?

Oh Henry: Aw, the heart of the truest believer is RINGED IN GOLD. Also, seriously? You just...rip your heart out and hand it over to a teenage boy? What are you, a teenage girl? And no one thinks to mention how this went HORRIFICALLY WRONG for Cora?

Really OUAT?: If Robert Carlyle is out, I'm gone. Blog or no blog. Seriously, don't play me like that OUAT.

Random Thoughts/Crackpot Theory:

I really liked this episode. (Still #ShutUpSnow #ShutUpCharming) I really didn't see Pan's reveal coming until this episode unfolded, and it makes a LOT of sense. It very much hearkens back to Regina and Cora's relationship, but this feels fresh. Fairy tales are always about abandoned children - or feeling abandoned - because stories about happy well adjusted people are boring and there's not much we can learn from them.

We knew that these layers of Rumpel's father/Rumpel/Baelfire were coming - they just KEPT alluding to them. But I think it was deftly handled.

So we have Pan's beginnings, and we now have his present. What we're missing is a BIG chunk of the middle. How and when did Pan figure out that he would need the Heart of The Truest Believer to renew his (stolen) youth? How did he get Henry's picture? And strictly speaking, the shadow ISN'T Pan's. That actually might be the biggest reveal of the episode.

So we've got a magical shadow-being guiding a newly-minted tyrant around a magical island that manifests whatever children believe in. Ok.

The Shadow tells Pan that the price for giving up his son and regaining his youth is that he's only managed to buy himself a significant amount of time. Magic always comes with a price.

Pan "believes" he will find a solution to the problem that's been brought to his attention by a magical being with -ahem- shadowy motives.

As far as we know, beyond flight,conjuring, magical fluting, and crazy emotional manipulation - Pan does NOT have the power to see the future.

But no one leaves Neverland without Pan's blessing, and both Baelfire and Hook managed to do just that. We still don't know how much time passed in A Land Without Magic before that happened. But we know that Neal and Emma are close in developmental age, and she got knocked up at 18 because this is a FAMILY SHOW.

Pan KNEW that Bae was Rumpel's son, and he let him go from Neverland. Why? He kept all the other boys. Unless someone was whispering in his ear that he HAD to let Bae go in order to gain the Heart of The Truest Believer. Someone who KNEW about Baelfire, and Emma, and The Dark Curse, and Henry.

It may be a tired old chestnut, but I'm not ready to give up the ghost on that shady bitch. This whole scenario has fairy dust all over it. Blue Fairy Dust.

Monday Recap: Ariel or The Prince is Giving A Spoiler Ball!

Who did we meet?: Ariel, Eric, and Ursula (?) and some very oddly dressed court attendees.

 

When/Where did the events take place?: Pre-Dark Curse Enchanted Forest. (Presumeably around the time of the events of Skin Deep), Present Day Neverland.

Wait, What?: It's daylight in Neverland! Probably because all the SPECTACULARLY BAD nighttime CGI took place in the EF. Also they've been there a week. Camping. No one's hair looks like that after a week of camping.

Why does this matter?: Pan can only be killed if Rumpel dies? How does THAT work? Is this like...a Demona/MacBeth thing? Is it worth remembering that Pan is typically depicted with a dagger as his chosen weapon? It's interesting that we keep seeing Rumpel's survival instincts come to the fore.

Oh Henry!: Henry Free - Way To Be! We get so much more ACCOMPLISHED when he doesn't feature. Really, I'm just looking out for productivity here.

Really OUAT?: EVERYONE WANTS NEW DO-OVER BABIES. Since, y'know, we kind of sucked at 'parenting' the first time around.

Crackpot Theories: We've now ruled out Rumpel as the other person in the suspended cage. (Welcome back Robert Carlyle. We missed you.) That leaves Tinkerbell or Greg/Owen as our known knowns. Then there are the unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns. My money is still on Owen/Greg. Rumpel seems so sure that ShadowBelle is Pan's Shadow...I'm not convinced.

Best Line: "Mini Trident!" - Ariel. This was the BEST allusion to the Disney film.

Random Thoughts:

Emma is learning to use magic! From Regina. Anyone else reminded of Zuko teaching Aang to firebend?

Why are everyone's ears huge in this episode???

WEIRD design choices at the Ursula Ball. Epaulets and sashes and foofy tri-corner hats for the gentlemen and...Pzaz clearance rack for the ladies. And no, you can't curtsey in that dress Ariel baby. This is a family show.

Take a drink every time there's a hamfisted allusion to Disney's The Little Mermaid(tm)! Take two every time the allusion is to a song!

Omg. #ShutUpSnow. Please come back and write Jane Espenson. Consulting producer is not enough to keep this ship from listing.

"I can't ask him to give up his dream for someone he just met." - Ariel.  Uh....why not? He asked you to give up your LIFE with little more than a 'Shall We Dance'. I mean damn. Someone had his bossy boots on. This whole situation could be handled with a simple 'why don't we just get to know each other?', or failing that, YOU'RE A MERMAID. FOLLOW THE SHIP. Oh right, True Love means never having to say you're a mermaid. Did anyone else think that Ariel falling in love with Unconscious Prince Eric was a smidge...rapey? Then again I'm sure neither Snow nor Aurora would find it odd. Feminism in the EF. Oy. You're doing it wrong.

What could be in Rumpel's shop that would constitute A Fate Worse than Death? ARE WE GOING TO TURN PETER PAN INTO A PUPPET???

Regina-as-Ursula: THE FUCK is on your face?? Did a BP oil rig explode?

Prince What-Might-Have-Been.

Ursula's the sea goddess, right? I mean, she's either a goddess that merpeople worship OR she's a myth that no one takes all that seriously. Or are there mer-atheists? Ariel dear, there are cracks in your theology. Also, weren't you just in a cheap off the rack prom dress ballgown? Did you change your outfit to stand on the beach at night?

GilMcKinney made a very stiff and bossy sort of Eric. I wish they'd cast Matt Bomer.

Monday Recap: Good Form - Spoilers Ahoy!

 Belay that ahoy there! Shipshape! Sailor Talk! Holy Hook in a Hairbow!

Yowza.

I'm starting to have some doubts about this season. It's really starting to meander. We all knew that a Captain/Swan hook up (ha!) was coming, and while that kiss was worth the price of admission - Emma's relationships all feel really forced to me. I don't know...maybe it's me. But I really do buy her as a consummate survivor with a LOT of trust issues, and I don't see those walls come down enough to buy her with any of the guys we've seen her paired with yet.
 
Who did we meet?: Captain Liam Jones (RIP), and a lost boy who is NOT Felix.

When and where did the events take place?: Present Day Neverland, unspecified past in an as yet unspecified kingdom. We STILL have not been to Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Dreamshade has an antidote, and the antidote has a pretty major catch.
Also, Hook's backstory! It was interesting, if a leeeetle hamfisted. We *know* that Hook Killian becomes a pirate. He didn't really need the Norma Rae moment with AAAAALL the exposition. Although Colin O'Donohue played it well. I think the guys on that ship were just happy to have a reason to lose all that fussy gear.

Why does this matter?: Maybe the better question is DOES this matter, but this King that Killian and Liam are in the employ of, who knows not just of Neverland's existance, but of a virulently toxic plant and needs it to win a war. Is this a framing device or, will this be important later? We really don't know where Killian and Liam are from, although it certainly seems like the Enchanted Forest.

Since he's sworn off Neverland, it can't be too terribly long after Liam's death when he meets Milah. So maybe the wars are the Ogre Wars?

Oh Henry!: Yeah, I got nothing. I miss Rumpelstiltskin.

Best Line: "A one-handed pirate with a drinking problem?" - Peter Pan to/about Captain Hook. Ouch and zing - but let's be real, pop-psychologists don't diagnose guys with Captain Hook syndrome, now do they?

Missed Opportunity: "Go get some firewood or something." - Emma after that RAUNCHY kiss. Really Hook, all you can muster after THAT is "As you wish?" Well, I guess there's some precedent for simplicity.

Wait, What?: Is there really a sextant that will help them decode the map  and get them off the island? Cause...let's find THAT. It sounds more useful than a golden compass.

And where's Tinkerbell? She's possibly the inabitant  of the other cage along with Rumpel, or Owen/Greg. My money is on Ethan Embry. I think Tink is playing both sides of the field, because WE NEVER SAW A BODY. That line about there "not being enough of [Owen]" to salvage anything had to have been a lie, because all that happened to him was his shadow was taken.

There are three shadows roaming around loose...well, dissected from their owners. Rumpel, Pan, and Owen. Wonder what's up with them? 

Really OUAT?: Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. No one wants to #savehenry. I have a feeling you'll get a lot more twitter traction with #shutupsnow and/or #shutupcharming.

Crackpot Theory: I don't know...I can't nail this down Pan's motives. The idea that he's grooming Henry to be the new Pan has some audience traction. But I just don't know. Pan really seems to have the world calibrated to his liking. And here's the other thing - we haven't yet seen him out and out lie. He tells the truth selectively, and in a way that will ultimately benefit him, but he does tell it. So I'm inclined to believe what he said to Henry about wanting/needing him to bring back magic. And it still doesn't explain how Pan knew to look for The Heart of the Truest Believer or how he got that sketch.
We also haven't seen him outside the context of Neverland, even though we know he's originally from the Enchanted Forest.

So how did Peter Pan find his way to Neverland and become its defacto ruler? Does anyone else find it odd that we haven't seen ANY fairies in Neverland yet, excluding the fallen Tinkerbell? This has shady blue fairy dust all over it to me.

Random Thoughts: Charming is an INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE throughout this episode. "It's your fault we're here!" "Stay away from my daughter!" "Emma will never love you!" "You're a LIAR and liars SUCK." "You're nothing but a pirate" ...SAID THE SHEPERD WHO MASQUERADED AS A PRINCE AND MARRIED A TITLE. #ShutupCharming SHEESH.

OUAT drinking game - take a drink every time Regina: A. uses magic for something superficial. B. whines about how they could solve this problem with magic. C. says something snippy, D. uses a bad pun (all puns are bad puns.)

Henry turning that stick into an actual sword was not as neat as Robin Williams turning empty bowls into bowls full of rainbow frosting. Maybe that's my bias.

Monday recap: Nasty (Spoiler!) Habits

Who did we meet?: The Pied Piper...sort of. Yay OUAT for including the definition of 'pied'. But Fables still did it better. Read Peter and Max - you won't be sorry.

When and where do the events take place?: Enchanted Forest Pre Dark Curse. The further back we go along the OUAT timeline, the less useful the DC is as a marker. We're in the EF after Rumpel gets his powers, but before Baelfire gets access to the portal bean portal. Present Day Neverland. We STILL have not been back to Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Neal is bomb. He cold clocks Felix, and immobilizes Pan. (although it's a poor sort of immobilizer that allows the victim to talk...) He doesn't take ANY shit from Rumpel, and he made a star map from a coconut. Take that Gilligan and Co. Ok Emma, I get it.

Also! Peter Pan is a MASTER manipulator. He knows how to make his words find their mark. He's very good on preying on the weaknesses that people aren't even fully honest with themselves about. In this episode alone, we watch him manipulate Henry, Rumpel, and Baelfire/Neal. Is it possible that he's not getting his way through magic, but sheer mindfuckery?

Why does this matter?: Rumpelstiltskin, Baelfire, and now Henry have all been Lost Boys. Rumpelstiltskin knew Peter Pan when he (Rumpel) was a boy. So he's been in Neverland (not aging!) since Rumpel was a kid. It's heavily implied that Rumpel knew Peter as a kid, before he somehow became such a Big Bad. What's the story there?

Really OUAT?: The Pied Piper of Hamlin pipes the children away while they sleep. When Rumpel happens upon Hamlin, they're organizing search parties. Rumpel sticks around for the Piper's encore performance, which is spiriting away young men. Those were NOT exactly boys shimmying down those buildings.  But no girls. No young women. So is Pan not taking them, or are the people of Hamlin not that concerned about missing daughters?

At the end of S2, Wendy says that the shadow only keeps boys on the island. Why? The quick 'n'dirty answer then seemed to be that he knew he was looking for a boy. But this Pied Piper business seems to negate that, when he says he wants friends. Does he not want to play with girls? (shut it) Pan seems willing enough to have Emma as a "lost girl". All he seems to want and need around him are people with feelings of abandonment that he can poke at.

Oh Henry!: Henry I-won't-dance-don't-ask-me Mills.You are so great when you are unconscious. You and Aurora should team up. Wonder snooze powers activate!

This is David's 'Oh no you didn't' face.

Wait, what?: All it takes to lure a  fairly-large-although-maybe-not-technically-giant-but-still-plenty-honkin-big squid to the SURFACE is a toot on a conch shell? I WAS PROMISED MERMAIDS.

Also why is everyone so goddamn sold on the idea that Neal is dead? He was SHOT. That doesn't automatically equal dead. Have none of you heard of Suge Knight?

Best Line Exchange: "Why do you care?" "Why don't you?"- David and Hook.
Captain Hook just told Prince Charming to man the fuck up.

Crackpot Theory: Can't take credit for this, but it's an interesting one - Peter Pan is grooming Henry to take over his role. It's interesting, and plausible...but I dunno. Peter seems to like his seat of power just fine. If anything, I think he might want to expand it. Is it possible that Peter is trapped in/by Neverland? A prison that you can control is still a prison.

Random thoughts: GOOD FOR YOU TINK ASKING FOR AN ESCAPE PLAN. You are officially smarter than the United States Congress. I have to wonder about Tinkerbell. I'm not prepared to rule her out as a double agent, and she and Hook CLEARLY have some kind of past-with-a-capital-P. That P can stand for whatever you like.

Getting reeeeeal sick of Halluceno-Belle.  Also Felix. Dear sweet baby Jebus in the manger. LEVELS. Play with them. But Belle. Honey? Self-preservation is not a "nasty habit". It is...I don't know how to be any plainer - it's self-preservation. Not dying. You said that not dying is a nasty habit...for an immortal. That makes no sense.

Apparently there "wasn't enough left [of Greg/Owen] to find anything useful". RIP Ethan Embry maybe. And I saw that smile Regina. Gross. Remember there was a time you wanted to adopt him as a kid and bone his father. Tell us again how you're not a villain?

Oh, and Regina I appreciate you not complaining and nagging to use magic to find Henry, but I'm not sure constant snarking is any better. I'm still not seeing this teamwork we were all so hot for in the first ep of this season.

HIS NAME IS NEAL, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Can we please find a less awkward but still gender-neutral phrase to use instead of 'bail bondsperson'? I like bounty hunter. And are we still not discussing Emma's non-superpower? Ok, good.

We're never going to see Neverland in daylight, are we? We're also never going to see Emma, Snow, or Regina in anything other than impeccable clothing and hair, are we? Is it a royal thing?

You're no Jamie Dornan, but you'll do.

Hook remembers that Milah liked to draw (D'aw.) Now all I can think about is Hook naked on a fainting couch asking to be drawn "like one of your French girls."


Yeah, I'm going to wrap up on Hook Naked.

Monday Recap: Quite a Common Fairy

I've been really looking forward to this episode, and I wasn't disappointed. There is a LOT going on now, lots of plates spinning, lots of balls in the air. But I have to say for an episode with ZERO Rumpelstiltskin, this wasn't bad.

Who did we meet: Tinkerbell, and Robin Hood's ADORABLE son. (RIP Marian)

When and Where did the events take place?: Present Day Neverland, Present Day Enchanted Forest, Pre-Dark Curse Enchanted Forest.

What did we learn?: Hoo boy. There is a difference between FAIRY dust and PIXIE dust. It's important. OF COURSE Aurora and Philip are going to have a baby. Because why rebuild a shattered kingdom when you can make babies? I sort of have to wonder about the circumstances around conception since Aurora's new superpower involves sleeping all the time.

Aurora: ROOFIE RESCUE POWERS ACTIVATE. zzzzzz...

Philip: ....Giggity.

Why is this important?: Why did Tinkerbell want to help Regina anyway?

Oh Henry: I knew last week was too good to last.

Wait, What?: Pan's got a crossbow? Fairies have curfews? That's pretty much bullshit.

Really OUAT?: Robin Hood? Really? Also, his life doesn't seem all that ruined to me. He's got a cute baby, and he's going to get to nail Mulan. #RobinHoodWinning

Best Line: "I will be the judge of what is fairylike!" - Blue Fairy
 First - this is going to be my answer to everything from now on. Second - Shady. Bitch. Third - I think the real reason that the Blue Fairy didn't like Tinkerbell is because Tink's dress wasn't regulation.

Are all fairies called by their wardrobe color? Wouldn't that get kind of limiting? Is it a hierarchy thing? Nova wasn't The 'Pink' fairy. Can I be the 'Puce' fairy?

Crackpot Theories: Ok, this is a big, multi-layered idea. Pretty sure somehow Neverland is laying bare our heroes vulnerabilities. So far the most obvious one is Emma's feeling of abandonment. But we're seeing concrete glimpses of the others. Rumpelstiltskin - cowardice. Snow - being alone. Regina - self sabotage. Charming - physical prowess. Which leads to the next crackpot theory - I don't think David is getting out of this alive. To REALLY break Mary Margaret - David is going to have to die. They're going to have to be separated by something more permanent than distance, magic, marriage to other people, or unconsciousness.

I know what you're thinking - YOU FORGOT HOOK. No, I didn't. But we haven't seen his vulnerability yet this season. We really haven't *seen* it at all. But we've seen glimpses of it. Hook is vulnerable when he falls in love. (D'aw.) It'll be interesting to see what Neal's is.

Neverland is either going to break them, or force them all to believe in something stronger than what they know. All their belief right now comes from externals. They're going to need to believe in something deeper and seemingly less concrete to win.

Win what, though, is the question. Get Henry back, and go home obviously. But this is a weird manifestation of Peter Pan. He's VERY different than any other Peter Pan we've ever seen, not because he's a villain (JM Barrie's Pan is pretty much a douche) but because he remembers and plans.

Peter Pan is always all about instant personal gratification. OUAT's  Peter Pan is manipulating people and circumstances to an end. The question is what end, and why. Simply removing Henry from Neverland isn't going to stop what's already been put in motion.

Monday Recap: Lost Girl

Who did we meet?: No one new - but it was nice to see Genie/Magic Mirror/Sidney again!

What did we learn?: Emma still feels orphaned. More importantly, she feels abandoned - which is something that a LOT of characters in this show feel. Abandoned, disapointed, betrayed.

Where and When did the action take place?: Enchanted Forest pre-dark curse, Neverland present-day.

Why does this matter?: Why did Rumpel hide the dagger? Seems like poor planning since he seems to understand that in Neverland, the LAND ITSELF is under Peter Pan's purview. Which makes me wonder if the shadow hid the dagger someplace other than Neverland. Frankly, why do Rumpelstiltskin and Peter Pan have some measure of control over their shadows, while when Greg/Owen's shadow was removed he fell down...dead?  Unconscious? Let's continue filing him under not dead yet, because - Ethan Embry!

Wait, what?: Please tell me that Pan knows a replicating spell, and Henry isn't somewhere in Neverland starkers.

Oh Henry!: ABSOLUTELY NO HENRY IN THIS EP. THIS IS A HENRY-FREE EPISODE!!! *throws confetti* You know what? I'll let Diana Ross and MJ handle this.

Really, OUAT?: Everything in Neverland IS going to happen in semi-darkness, because you just can't get your CGI act together isn't it?

Monday Recap: Heart of the Truest Believer

Spoiler Alert! (because I know you were all watching Breaking Bad last night and forgot that this was on.)

Who did we meet?: Peter Pan! And at least one mermaid.

What did we learn?: A lot! How portals work! Who is in charge of the "home office". That Henry possesses the titular heart. That Rumplestiltskin has history with Peter Pan. That mermaids are worse than sharks, whales, or krakens, and that you can say 'bitch' in primetime.THE IMPORTANCE OF COOPERATION. Maybe the Charming-Snow-Swan family can team up with the Evil Queen and Captain Hook to make a community garden.


When/Where do the events take place?: Present-day Neverland and the Enchanted Forest. 11 years ago in an unspecified hospital.

Why is this important?: Taking Greg/Owen's shadow. Hm. File him under not dead yet.

Oh Henry!: No, we are NOT making smores. *facepalm*

Wait, what?: Aurora tells Bae/Neal that he is in "Our kingdom". Meaning...hers and Philip's? Or hers and Mulan's? OR...hers AND Philip's AND Mulan's? Multi-Ethnic Polyamory Royals! Royals behaving badly! Nah, I'm guessing it's Aurora and Philip's (half decimated) kingdom because she has a new hairdo and some kind of tiaraish crowny headgear. And Aurora has a superpower! ...sleeping. Sleepwalking. Sleep...realm-jumping. Hooray she's being given something to do,  but boo her something kind of sucks. BUT her superpower is still better than Emma's. Womp-womp.

This is probably the kind of thing that will only bother me BUT, in a wink-to-the-fourth wall moment, Mulan asks Bae 'What's a movie?', but when Bae meets Robin Hood, and says he's Rumplestiltskin's son, and Robin takes him at his word. Bae says 'What, you don't want to see ID?'...how is Robin hood familiar with the idiom ID?

Best Line: "It is so much easier to get people to hate something than to believe." - Peter Pan. Truth.com.

Best Line Honorable Mention: "Good thing you guys don't ask questions." - Henry  Bahahahaha! Ok, that was solid. It's not often ever than Henry gets a good line, and this just proves that I hate(d) Greg and Tamara more than I hate Henry.

Really OUAT?: The lights flickering during Henry's "auspicious" birth was totally ripped from Wyatt's birth in Charmed. That 11 years ago flashback was SUPER unnecessary. It did nothing to enhance the story, and it didn't tell us anything we didn't already know.

Overall, I'm maintaining my optimism. Tamara and her nonsense storyline are out of the picture. Things seem to be refocusing on the characters and their relationships. Henry's contributions to the actual episode were few. If last season was the Harry Potter season, this is going to be the 'Lost' season. Our heroes trapped on a malevolent, magical, possibly sentient island? Hm.

It's REALLY interesting that Rumple genuinely seems to fear Pan, and that he's gone sort of lone wolf in going after Henry. In a way, Peter Pan seems to be a bigger threat than Cora.

Pronouns. Oy.

Ok, legit crackpot theory.

Is it possible that "the boy" the Seer prophesizes isn't Henry Mills, but Peter Pan? The seer says that her power has limits, and there's a distinction between what can be from what shall be. A lot of the speculation hinges on the idea of what constitutes "undoing", but maybe we're scrutinizing the wrong detail.

Obviously Rumplestiltskin hasn't learned his lesson about acting rashly based on unspecified prophecy. You'd think after that Oedipus debacle, there'd be a support group for people that get prophesied about.

The Seer's dying prophecy is as follows:

"You will be reunited with your son and it will come in a most unexpected way. The boy. A young boy will lead you to him. But beware Rumpelstiltskin, for that boy is more than he appears. He will lead you to what you seek, but there will be a price. The boy will be your undoing."*

"Ooh, yeah, honey when the teacher said you were 'Special'
she meant something different..."

Worth noting that we're starting S3 with Rumple and Baelfire separated again.

Maybe I just have a hard time being open to the idea that Henry could ever possibly be "more than he appears".

*S2 Ep14 - Manhattan.

September Speculation: Killian Jones Edition!

Things I did not do between May and September: Catch up on Scandal, Revenge or even all of Game of Thrones. Blog intermittently while re-watching episodes of OUAT.

Things I did do between May and September: Read all of the currently in-print Song of Ice and Fire Series. Began watching The Big Bang Theory, Watched Bob's Burgers, and Orange is The New Black. Bitched about S2 of OUAT being UTTER NONSENSE while trying to entice other people to watch the show. (I was bad at this last thing. You see the conflict.)

There are other things that I did and did not do, but those would make this blog long and entirely too personal and not at all about OUAT, so...yeah.

Welcome to September and S3! It is a new season! Jane Espenson is back! I am optimistic! I want to be optimistic! I remember what happened the last time I was optimistic!

I could write about my hopes and fears and disappointments about this show - but I'm going to make a very conscious attempt to be forward thinking, and only look back as it relates to what we know or don't know about the story so far.

With that in mind - I'm going to start off with some speculation about Captain Killian Jones - aka Hook.

"No, you're right. I wear less eyeliner than
Jack Sparrow. Three guesses why."

Who is he?: Killian Jones, pirate, Captain of the Jolly Roger. Former ally of Cora, enemy of Rumpelstiltskin, Relationships with the rest of the Storybrooke Gang - unclear, bordering on antagonistic. Emma is CLEARLY drawn to him, but (rightly) doesn't trust him. Snow White is understandably repulsed by him, and he and David are doing the alpha dog 'circle and snap' deal that guys do. To be fair, Hook has been charmingly lewd toward David's wife and daughter, so David sort of has the moral upper hand (HA! Get it?) here. His relationship with Regina is a bit fraught. She's got to hold him a little responsible for Cora's death - which is for some reason upsetting to her, even though she sent Hook to Wonderland with instructions to KILL CORA. Then again, Regina's default is to blame Snow White, so maybe not.

What do we know about him?: He's the current Charming Rogue in Emma's life, whether she knows it or not, or wants to admit it. It'll be interesting to see if her "superpower" re-manifests in his presence. He spent time in Neverland for the purpose of living long enough to plot his revenge against The Dark One. He has a healthy (?) fear/respect of the Lost Boys.

"Captain, I really don't think we should
accept blankets from these colonists."

What do we NOT know about him?: How he became a pirate. How he became a captain. How much time he spent in Neverland, (Query: How can one "spend time" in Neverland? We know there is day and night, and they're not on some kind of temporal loop that causes them to repeat actions a la 'Groundhog Day', but people...lifeforms?...don't age. Does this include plants? If nothing dies, how do food chains work? I've been watching a lot of The Magic School Bus lately.) and what he did or who he interacted with while he was there. Incidentally, we also don't know what happened to the rest of his crew. When he heads into Neverland, he's got a ship full of pirates. All of whom but Smee go conspicuously missing. Smee goes missing later. There's a very good chance he's still a rat.**

Where is he from/going?: Originally from the Enchanted Forest, Hook travels to Neverland after Milah's death and his impromptu amputation so that he can remain the same age and plot the death of the Dark One.

Why does he do the things he does?: Short term - revenge and survival. "If there's one thing I want more than my revenge, it's my life." Hook wants to survive long enough to get to Rumplestiltskin and kill him, thereby avenging Milah. Long term - Hook, like everyone else on this show, is looking for love. D'aw. The bitter pill is that he FOUND it, albeit briefly. Moral of the Story: Happily Ever After, rarely is. The bigger question is what led Killian/Hook to become a pirate, and why does he have these fixed ideas about Good Form and fair fights?

A black pirate captain?
Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
(Wait, that's not right...)

Before S2 began, I entertained the idea that Lancelot after being banished from the Round Table in disgrace, might have become Hook. Swordsman, strong principles, it could have worked. Oh well.

How does he impact the story?: Well, his only motivation that we've seen, is to kill Rumpelstiltskin. Which means he has to get in the same universe, to begin with. I'm not sure why Cora needed Hook, but we know why Hook needed Cora. Now that he knows where his nemesis is, and what some of his weaknesses are (Belle, the dagger, and garden variety poisons APPARENTLY.) he's....helping him get to Neverland because....reasons?

What does the protagonist want?: I know, I know. Hook isn't a protagonist. ...in Peter Pan's story, as we know it. But first - that's Captain JAMES Hook, not Killian Jones. And bigger point, that's in Peter Pan's story.  No one is ever the villain in their own story, and EVERYONE has their own story. Told from Hook's POV, he's avenging the the death of his beloved at the hands of the Dark One through the use of Good Form and Pointy Objects. So, what he wants is...unclear. The only way to put it right now, is that he wants an opportunity. Whether that's to genuinely redeem himself in the eyes of the Charming-Snow-Swan family, or just lull Rumpelstiltskin into a false sense of security remains to be seen.

Crackpot Theories: Hook's not just captaining the ship, he's going to be the guide to Neverland. Rumpel seems to have a passing familiarity with Neverland, and we know Regina knows about it - but David and Mary Margaret are in the dark (Why are they going? How are they supposed to be useful?), and Emma might only know what the rest of us know about Peter Pan, which is never absolute knowledge.

Hook as a love interest for Emma, natch. Especially since we're all comfortably assuming that Neal/Baelfire is dead, which he is NOT. That'll be an interesting love triangle - Daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming at the crux of the pissing contest between the Son of the Dark One and the Pirate Captain who used to be all about the Dark One's ex-wife. JER-RY JER-RY JER-RY!!!

Honestly, it's hard to form a proper crackpot theory around a character who's motivations are so obscured. We've seen him ally himself with literally every character at this point, however disingenuously. He agreed to kill Cora on Regina's behalf, he assisted Mary Margaret and Emma at Cora's behest, He helped Baelfire evade the Lost Boys, he even helped Greg and Tamara trap Regina. Now he's helping Rumpelstiltskin and Company get to Neverland. He seems to be playing a very ADHD endgame. Stay tuned!








** Actually a rat. S2 Ep11

Meanwhile, back at the ranch OR Raise your hand if you're not here

Who's left in Storybrooke at this point? (*denotes an actor who has left/may be leaving the show for the foreseeable future.)

• Belle
• The Seven Dwarves
• Tiny/Anton
• The Fairy-nuns
• Dr. Whale
• Granny
• Ruby*
• Jefferson* & Grace
• Dr. Hopper
• Gepetto
• Pinocchio/L'il August
• Nurse Rachet
• Smee (as a rat?)
• Moe/Maurice (Belle's father)
• King George
• Sidney Glass -remember him!?
• Cinderella/Ashley*
• Prince Thomas
• Alexandra (Cinderella and Thomas' daughter who ought to be a toddler by now)
• Sherriff of Nottingham
• Kathryn (though I think it's safe to assume she moved to Boston)
• Hansel & Gretel & their dad

…and a BIG old power vaccum. The Mayor, Sherriff, erstwhile King and Queen, and the town's most eminent citizen have all royally bailed on the charming Hamlet of Storybrooke.

So...who's in charge? Please tell me if I missed anyone!

Edit: Maleficent. I forgot Maleficent. That'll be an issue...

And Straight on To S3!

It just isnt a season finale without Belle getting her memory back. Maybe she should try scrapbooking to shorthand all this in the future?

Who did we meet?: No one we haven't met already! 3 nameless "Lost Ones" as Smee refers to them. I've seen one (the one with lines) referred to as Felix, but I don't know if that's actually his name, or if that was the name given for the casting call.

When/Where do the events take place?: Neverland, pre dark curse...probably. If no one ages in Neverland, it's going to be difficult to measure the passage of time. It's safe to assume it's pre-DC because we know that Hook returns to the EF, and is there when the curse is cast.  The question now is HOW both Baelfire and Hook  (and his ship and his crew) escape Neverland. Also Modern-Day Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Baelfire/Neal is NOT Peter Pan. Peter Pan is after Henry.

Why is this important?: Henry. Why is Henry important? To anyone in life ever, really, but why is he suddenly more important of "the sacredness of [Greg and Tamara's] cause" and all their professed loathing of magic goes out the window as they haul Henry through a portal to Neverland...because Henry "changed everything". >.< Doctor, my head.

Oh, Henry!: Please tell me that him being kidnapped means that there will be less Henry in S3. You can call the whole season The Quest for Henry - just as long as we don't have to actually deal with him until like...12 episodes in.

Really OUAT?: SO many of these...oy.

• Lost Boy Ninja...guy? Felix? We're familiar with the sound of ripping. Your onomotopoeiac interpretation of sound is not so much sinister as sillly.

• I know I've mentioned this many times before, but David is REALLY trigger-happy. Wasnt he supposed to stop being Sherriff when Emma got back? Cause that was awhile ago. He's getting to the poing where it is Not Ok. Like openly threatening Hook with his gun in front of everyone. But I guess that's to set up the testosterone battle we're going to see between Hook and David in the coming season.

• Honestly, we couldn't get an "I will always find you" for Rumple and Belle? They've had it harder than Charming and Snow. And THEY'VE found each other. Lots of times. It'd be sweet and poignant coming from Rumple and Belle. It might even get Snow and Charming to soften toward him - just a little.

Wait, What?: Philip's back! (It actually took me saying the words out loud for it to register that Philip was back. "Mulan, Philip, Aurora...Philip! PHILIP!!!") Oh, goddammit, we're going to have to see Mulan and Aurora team up to defeat the wraith in flashback, aren't we?

So...what, Regina and Emma are The Magic Wonder Twins now? The internet is going to have a FIELD DAY. (OMG WHAT WAS EMMA GOING TO SAY TO REGINA WHEN SHE TURNED AROUND??? SHE TOTES THOUGHT REGINA WAS GOING TO DIE AND SHE WAS GOING TO PROFESS HER LOVE!!!) ...No. Not going to happen. Regina and Emma are not Gabrielle and Xena reborn. I have zero opposition to that happening. But this is a prime-time network show on ABC whose parent company is Disney with lots of nods to G-rated Disney properties. They're going to make this show as action-packed as possible without any actual Action, and as titilating as they can with out any actual tits. You want that, you watch Game of Thrones. -Soapbox Moment- I doubt this show will ever highlight an LGBT character. They may throw out some canon/non-canon character info at a con, but this show is probably going to stay heteronormative. More's the pity. I would REALLY like to know why all the giants & dwarves are male, why the faries all seem to be female, and how they all manage to reproduce. /soapbox

I call shenanigans on Rumplestiltskin. He's all skeptical - and rightly so - that the Blue Fairy (who we have seen what, twice this season?) has suddenly and miraculously created a magic potion that restores Enchanted Forest memories. And then he just happens to be carrying  a concealment spell in his pocket to give to Belle. Then again he can see the future. Alright, I'll let it slide.

We can just change the name of The Jolly Roger to the SS Uneasy Truce. Upcoming feuds will include:

• Hook/Rumple
• Rumple/Regina
• Emma/Hook - before makeouts
• Hook/David - testosterone fights!
• Regina/Emma - SHUT UP INTERNET.
• Regina/Snow - Bored with this.
• Rumple/Rumple - To Kill Henry, or to Not Kill Henry...it's not really a question.

BUT THEY ALL NEED EACH OTHER!!! TO SAVE HENRY!!! ...and find Neal who isn't dead, just shot...

I sincerely hope that Greg and Tamara don't make it out of the season alive. I doubt they will. I also think there's a very real possibility that either Greg or Tamara or both have (at least!)been to Neverland before.

Lots of recap and speculation this summer between viewings of Game of Thrones, and True Blood, and Warehouse 13, and Scandal...ok, maybe I'm using the term "lots" loosely.

Weekend Speculation

"Your acting all season has been
 more wooden than mine right now."

Well, this is it. The culmination of a bizzare, lackluster season. A season that started with tremendous promise and then seems to have shat the bed.

By Kitsis and Edwards own admission their biggest regret of Season 2 was having August/Pinnochio tasered to death, because wood is historically traditionally scientifically not the greatest conductor of electricity.

Biggest Season Two Regret
Eddy and Adam also took a moment to address a major fan complaint this season: The Tasing of Pinocchio. "Here's the thing, we thought, 'We need a real world weapon.'" In the moments in making that decision we never realized the backlash that would be from a taser," Eddy emphatically said. "We just figured the audience assumed it wasn't a taser ... but they didn't. So I got a lot of history lessons about wood and conducting electricity. If I could go back one season and change one thing, I would have made it a syringe. If she had just taken a [glowing] syringe and shoved it into the dragon, no one would give a sh*t. I am sorry we chose a taser. We are willing to take the hit for the taser. We f*cked up." (http://www.etonline.com/tv/133446_Once_Upon_A_Time_Season_2_Finale_Spoilers/)

So we head into "And Straight On Til Morning" on Sunday. Neal/Baelfire has been shot and gone through the portal into another world. We've gained some insight into Hook and Baelfire's past relationship - that is, that they had a past relationship.

Here's what we know:

• Neal and Emma are Henry's biological parents
• Neal is Baelfire, Rumpelstiltskin's biological son
• Rumplestiltskin believes that Henry will be his undoing, based on the prophecy of the seer.
• Neal and Emma both traveled to other worlds through the Blue Fairy's involvement.
• Rumpelstiltskin says that fairy magic doesn't mix well with what he is
• Emma is inherently magical - The Chosen One, born of true love destined to break the Dark Curse. She hasn't actually broken it yet. 
• Shortly after being sent to A World Without Magic, Baelfire is taken to Neverland.
• In Neverland, you don't age. Hook goes there with the intent of giving himself unlimited time to plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin, since The Dark One has "life eternal". (But can apparently be killed by poison. Whatever.)
• Rumpelstiltkin is the "crocodile" responsible for cutting off Hook's hand - and killing his True Love - Milah.
• Milah is Rumpelstiltskin's former wife, and Baelfire's mother.
• There are faries in Neverland, according to Wendy.

Here's what we don't know:

• We don't know why The Shadow is kidnapping boys to Neverland.
• Where Neal is now.
• What happens to Baelfire while he is in Neverland.
• How Baelfire/Neal gets back from Neverland to A World Without Magic.
• What Hook and and Baelfire's relationship is to one another.
• How Henry got his book of Fairy Tales - weren't we promised that this season?

Shady. Bitch.

Is it possible that The Blue Fairy is playing a bigger end game than Rumpel? Both Emma and Neal made it to A Land Without Magic through her involvement. But Baelfire/Neal was born and went through the portal LONG before Emma was conceived or even thought of. So a mysterious magical force, coming from a land which houses mermaids and faries is kidnapping young boys and keeping them in a land where they don't age for reasons unknown. But we know Neal leaves Neverland somehow. In time to meet Emma and father a child. A child who is now being prophesied/assumed to be the undoing of The Dark One.

Rumpelstiltskin's willing to chalk Regina's adoption of Henry up to 'fate'.  I'm not so sure.

I also still think that Bae is the reason that Hook knows about Rumpel's dagger. I can't help but wonder if/when Baelfire finds out that Rumpelstiltskin is actually the person responsible for Milah's death.

I'm not so sure that Baelfire IS Peter Pan. I'll be pleasantly surprised if he's not.

See what happens when you go on hiatus OUAT?

I stop caring. My computer stops caring. And by "caring" I mean "working at all". But the fact that I don't care doesn't bother me. The fact that my computer doesn't care doesn't bother me. (it sort of bothers me.) What bothers me is that YOU seem to have stopped caring OUAT.

So here are my I-dont-care-at-this-point-recaps.

Lacey: Is it weird that I'm super curious about the bartender at The Rabbit Hole? Who's he? What's his story? He was interesting! That was some of the more interesting character work I've seen on the show in awhile.

Lacey. Belle. Bad Belle. I have to give them credit, this is an interesting twist on the "Evil Twin" trope. That being said...um, doesn't everyone else in town KNOW who she is? We actually haven't seen this issue addressed. From the time that Sneezy crossed the town line in the beginning of the season (and it can't be a coincidence that he's who Lacey is hustling in pool) we don't know what happens to people who cross the town line and then RETURN to Storybrooke. Mr. Gold seems to not want to...remind Lacey of who she is? Well first he does, but then when it looks like Granny might jog Lacey's memory, he cuts her off. Why? What will happen if people are reminded of their true memories?

Rumpelstiltskin is now VERY dangerous. He has magic. He has Belle. He has Baelfire (in proximity anyway.) Belle WANTS him to use magic to gain and keep power. She now *wants* to be a kept woman. Remember when Belle wanted to be a hero and liked books?

The best thing about this episode was it's TOTAL LACK OF HENRY. Seriously, does this kid go to school. He should be occupied for at least 6 hours out of each day, and he should be sleeping for another 8. Throw in two or three more hours for homework, eating, and general hygene and we should have a MAX of 8 hours of Henry-time per day, which works out to what - 3 minutes an episode? I could handle that.

The Evil Queen: What a horrific episode. The Evil Queen is evil. For those who hadn't been paying attention. She didn't want to be, but fuck it now she is - end of episode. We did learn that Rumpelstiltskin very deliberately planned to bankrupt King George's kingdom - which ostensibly sets into motion the events that lead to Prince James' death, leading Rumpelstiltskin to set David on the throne, all so he can get Cinderella's Fairy Godmother's Wand.  I'm also a smidge curious as to when Regina DID learn to shapeshift without assistance.

Second Star to the Right: This entire episode is setup for the season finale, and I don't even care. I should be more excited/invested/curious - but I kind of just want it to be over so I can watch Downton Abbey and Scandal for the summer.

Tamara and Greg/Owen - YOU SUCK as villains. I am bored with you. I am bored with you using "science" and  "mechanics" the same way that Storybrookians use "magic" as a PLOT DEVICE. Science and mechanics are real true things that exist. Try to think up plausible explanations as to how they work? Are magical beings vulnerable to electricity? Fine. But Regina isn't...really a magical being - not anymore than Snow White is. She's just learned some magic. And if there's magic in the world, she can use it. But it seems like anyone can, if they just know how. The only inherently magical beings we've seen in Storybrooke seem to be Emma, Gold, the Dwarves, the Faries, Maleficent, and August/Pinocchio. Other people just know how to  USE magic if it's available to them. So basically you're just electroshocking a woman. And (sorry, maybe spoilers) they don't know who they're working for? So they're working for a religious scientific underground government cartel that is hellbent on destroying magic because...Jesus? Come on, even the puritans were kind of okay with magic until it became a convenient scapegoat for things going wrong in their lives. I understand Greg wanting to find his father (and I guess becoming a zealot in the process) but what's Tamara's story? Bitch be cray.

I'm sorry, did Rumplestiltskin say "being immortal doesn't mean you can't be killed - it just means you can't die"?? Um...generally that's exactly what being killed leads to. So are there ways to live forever without dying that are horrific? Of course. Perhaps they should have specified that The Dark One does not AGE, but that does not mean he cannot DIE. This has bugged me since Hook poisoned him. All that setup about the stupid dagger, and for what? Zilch.

Mary Margaret and David. Go back and watch every episode this season and take a drink every time David pulls a gun. Go on, I'll wait.





Keep watching. Keep drinking. Stop crying.





You're either viking-caliber drunk or you're dead. Congratulations. And Mary-Margaret. I miss your badassery. You are weepy and whiny and just irritating. But good on your for being able to identify the smell of sardines. How very precise your royal olfactory senses must be. MAYBE THATS HER SUPERPOWER.

Oh yeah, Emma's superpower is back you guys. (But it's unreliable. You know what you call an unreliable superpower? NOTHING. You call it NOTHING - because if you talk about shit you can do, but only sometimes like when no one is watching you get LOCKED THE SHIT UP.) Because she could tell Tamara was lying. Anyone who could not tell Tamara was lying - raise your hand. No one? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? That woman is a horrific actress. She fits right in.

The Shadow - Ok, this is the only thing that sort of marginally interested me. We don't KNOW if Baelfire is Peter, or even if he's one of the  Lost Boys. We just know that he's in Neverland where he won't age. I REALLY hope he turns out to be Tootles. Or Slightly. Or Nibs. Mostly Tootles. So the shadow kidnaps boys and magically takes them to an island where they will never grow up, and every night they cry for their mothers. Save the Michael Jackson jokes, I have a feeling there will be plenty of those next week.

Recap: Selfless, Brave, and True

Well. Indeed! ...and such. This is going to continue to be edited, because it's my blog and I can. Spoilers!

Who did we meet: Tamara and Pinocchio...sort of. Oh, and "The Dragon". It's hard to keep track of who we meet when they get bumped off in the same episode.

When/Where did the events take place: Phuket, two years ago. Manhattan, two years ago. Hong Kong, two years ago. Present Day Storybrooke.

What did we learn: Tamara's history. Along with her present as a two-timing so and so. (It really does not pay to be brown on this show!) More of August's history.

Why is this important?: Mary Margaret just throws punches now!! I wasn't aware having a blackening heart caused you to have emotionally induced muscle spasms. As far as we know Regina never went around just cold clocking folks. I can't wait til we see how her wardrobe changes as a result of HER BLACK HEART. We're just going to ignore the fact that as sweet souled pure hearted Snow White homegirl straight up shoved an arrow at Mulan's jugular and was ready to cut a bitch.

Oh Henry!: Henry is just now being shuttled back and forth from different adults. Within the town. School is not being mentioned. (Hey, remember when Mary Margaret was a teacher? Substitues in Storybrooke must CLEAN UP.)  Regina is still after him? Sort of? Maybe not. And this is after he has loudly proclaimed that he's going to destroy magic and getting his hands on a bundle of dynamite. For the love of....SEND THE KID TO BOARDING SCHOOL.

Really OUAT?: Look. there will forever be Emma/August shippers. If there is a man who has proclaimed himself engaged to Twilight Sparkle, there is no douse of cold water you can throw on the people who have fallen on the Emma/August shipper sword. It would have been sufficient that he endorsed (ye gods) Emma and Neal. Emma and August were never going to happen. That was fairly obvious to anyone with eyes and/or sense. Let the shippers have their corner of the internet. Because believe me, turning him into a kid of indeterminate age is not going to dissuade those folks. Shippers never say die. Also...

Rheul Ghorm. Blue Fairy. Mother Superior. You couldn't WARN a person that your magic might turn August into an ammnesiac child!?!? I know that "magic is unpredictable here", but WTF.  There need to be some serious caveats on your magic if you accidentally go around turning grown men into little boys.

...and now it suddenly makes sense why the fairies are nuns. They should have let Rumpelstiltskin handle this. CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT FROM THIS EPISODE. Come back Robert Carlyle.

Don't Trust: Tamara, obviously. But what exactly are her and Greg/Owen's motivation in being in Storybrooke? She wants to discover magic - why. And he wants to...expose it? And find his father? There is a big big plan going down here amidst all the makeouts. And ok, I was wrong. Tamara was the "her" that Greg (we're going to stick with Greg because the last thing this show needs is another character with more identities than anyone actually needs) has been texting.

Wait, what?: How DID the dragon know that August was Pinocchio? Honestly, my first impulse was that The Dragon was Rumpelstiltskin. The collecting of personal items, combined with the fact that he can see the future - so there's a possibility that he knew that August went through the wardrobe with Emma - but no, then he would have recognized that August wasn't Baelfire back in Season One. Also he died. We saw the body. So back to the original question, and not only that - this guy seems to know about other "lands" in general, not just about Pinocchio personally. The easy "get" is that he's Mushu from Disney's Mulan. I suppose that's possible. But I really hope there's more to it than that.  What's kind of interesting is the connections that they've drawn between Sleeping Beauty and Mulan. Not just the title characters themselves actually partnering up - but Philip being cursed/trapped as the Yaogwi (sp?) and two characters that can shapeshift into dragons. Maleficent and this new guy...I assume he was going to shift into a dragon. It is never quite safe to assume anything with this show. Is the dragon from another land, or does he just have knowledge of and access to them? If it's just knowledge and access, then he must have a source. If he has a source, it can't be any of the denizens of Storybrooke as we currently know them.

Corrections, Crackpot theories, and other Thursday Filler

Oops!: Found a mistake in my last entry. Greg calls the phone number he sees/finds on Henry's backpack when he comes across a kid suspiciously alone running through the woods. He doesn't necessarily know that he's calling Regina when he attempts to contact Henry's parent.

Crackpot theory: Hook knows about the dagger because of Baelfire.

We know that Bae knew about the dagger. We know that Baelfire went to another land before coming to A Land Without Magic, and because he recognizes Hook, hasn't aged, and knows how to steer a magic pirate ship - we can safely assume this land is Neverland. We know that Hook went to Neverland in order to have enough time to plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin - as the Dark One has life eternal. (unless you poison him, apparently - but that is neither here nor there.) Hook returns from Neverland with tales of a weapon that can defeat the Dark One. He doesn't know what the weapon is, or where to find it - but he goes to Belle to find that information. Regina knows all about Hook, and that he's returned from Neverland. So the timeline matches up.

Part of me wants Bae to be one of the Lost Boys - Slightly, or Nibs, or Toodles.  Just to NOT be Peter Pan. Disney still owns the rights to all those names, right? I'm also waiting for Henry to have his "Hook" (The Spielberg movie, not the OUAT character) moment - "Peter Pan's my DAD???" Might be time to get him back into therapy. Then again, the whole REASON he was in therapy was because he thought the people in his life were fairytale characters, and he turned out to be right. So even if he DID wind up back on the couch, he'd be fully justified in being unbearably smug.

Long Shot: Tamara (Neal's Fiancee)  as Tiger Lily? I don't really think this is possible. But because of her unspecified ethnic look, lots of names are being tossed around - Pocahontas, Jasmine, Tiana. Tiger Lily is the only connection to Neverland I can think of. But if he left Neverland, and brought her along, then he wouldn't have been flying solo when he met Emma. Maybe he wasn't, entirely. There's clearly more to learn about this character, and I hope she fares better than other characters of color that we've seen featured on the show.

I will scream if I keep seeing David pull a gun. That's his thing apparently, this season. Seriously, take a drink everytime he pulls a gun. Wasn't this the guy who was volunteering at the animal shelter last season, and now he's Magnum freaking P.I.

Is it bad that I'm more curious about what happened to Maleficent (we never saw a body!) than I am about Philip, Mulan, and Aurora. I just don't care about those three or their wacky adventures.

I still think we're due for a real death this season, and I think it's going to be August. Archie didn't really die, and Cora HAD to die. We're due for a death that's going to upset people. Something about his character just says 'sacrifice' to me. It'll be nice to see him next week.

According to The Mary Sue, there's also now talk of a OUAT spinoff around Wonderland. I don't think it's a great idea, at this point. The show's too young - albeit popular - for a spinoff, and without Sebastian Stan, they really don't have a good connection. I'd rather watch a spinoff around Jack/Jaqueline. She seems like an interesting character - one we didn't get to see enough of, but we know she's a realm-jumper and an adventurer. There's more potential for stories there.

Monday Recap - Welcome to Storybrooke

Who did we meet?: Kurt and Owen Flynn.

What did we learn?: Greg Mendel's backstory.

Where/when did the events take place?: Present Day Storybrooke, Storybrooke 29 years prior.

Why is this important?: Mr. Gold genuinely seems to not remember who he is. When we meet him 28 years later, he very much does even though he's still being cagey about it. How did he manage to engineer Henry's adoption? That's clearly no coincidence.

Remaining Questions/Problems: Well now we need to find out what happened to Kurt Flynn. The obvious solution is to look in the asylum where Regina tended to keep all her problems and pawns locked away. So did the time not passing in Storybrook keep him from aging as well? Because then we're not so much Storybrooke as "New Neverland."

Best Line: "Would you like me to come over later?" - Sherriff Graham
Yes. Yes I would Jamie Dornan. You call me.

Wait, what?: ...the guy who crashed his car into a tree has the Mayor's cell phone number? And knows who the Mayor's kid (guess he's still legally hers!) is? And HAS HER CELL PHONE NUMBER??? I guess the short explanation is that he's stalking Regina. ...but HE TOLD HER WHO HE WAS. Typically stalkers don't do that. Do they? I'm happy to say I have no practical experience on either end of the stalking spectrum. In all seriousness, why isn't he looking harder for his father instead of trying to expose magic? That seems like the more pressing motive. Wouldn't it be simpler to approach Regina with a very real threat of straight up blackmail, and demand your father in exchange for your silence?

Really OUAT?: Regina. *sigh* When Rumpelstiltskin is the voice of reason and you sound like a bratty, petulant child  - it might be time to take some serious stock. JUST going to point out that I suggested seeing Dr. Hopper last week. At this point, I am ready to suggest that you take up a hobby. Does Storybrooke have a Color Me Mine(tm)? There are still stables in Storybrooke - take up riding. Daniel would want you to.

Oh Henry!: You tried to get rid of magic with dynamite down a well. Why is it that the more adult supervision this kid has(we're now at two biological parents, one step-parent, and three grandparents) , the wider the depth and breadth and scope of the trouble he gets into?

No, but really: Regina seriously. Getting bored with your curse is not reason to wrongfully imprison a man, and attempt to kidnap his son. You do not have good social skills. Granted, you were raised by a woman without a heart. But you're an adult now. You're responsible for yourself. Spend some time in the self-help section of the library. Schedule some very expensive couch time. (WITH A DOCTOR. Minds out of the gutter people.) Take a vacation. Remember, YOU can leave Storybrooke.

Weekend speculation or Game of Thrones

Oops! A friend pointed out that in The Miller's Daughter ep, Cora says to Rumpel that she is fifth in line for the throne.  And fine, she wants revenge against Eva. But at the end of the episode, she is the queen. The question seems to be - queen of what?

I have no idea how lines of asenscion or territories work in the Enchanted Forest, but there seem to be four established kingdoms:

King Leopold/Queen Eva/Snow White
King Henry/Queen Cora/Regina
King George/wife deceased/Prince James
King Midas/wife unknown/Princess Abigail

Since Eva is introduced as princess of the Northern Kingdom, it's possible that the kingdoms are named for cardinal directions. It's also possible that Leopold gained his kingship through his marriage to Eva. These are very egalitarian kingdoms...I won't say they're matrilineal - but notice who power would go to in three out of four cases?

Remember also, that Cinderella and Thomas are somehow related to George's family*, and may be in line for his throne.

Every monarchy has its own rules on who's eligible to be king or queen and how they get there. But generally, there can only be one king and one queen in a kingdom. Pretty straightforward.

So why is Cora so hung up on Regina being Queen instead of Snow White? This seems like an outsize reaction to public humiliation. Which, admittedly , stings. But now Cora is a queen in her own right. Her daughter stands to inherit her throne. We don't know who they are fifth in line to - unless Leopold and Eva are somehow High King and Queen (which has never been mentioned!) and the other kings and queens are actually just in line somehow. Which is dumb, because then they shouldn't be calling them kings or queens - rather princes or princesses or dukes or dutchesses.

Furthermore, they HAVE to be separate kingdoms because George's kingdom - with it's many money woes is trying to ally itself with Midas' kingdom through James (Well, David's) marriage to Abigail. If George's kingdom was having financial trouble - then it should have been Leopold and Cora's issue too, if they were the High King and Queen. It seemed like King Xavier (Henry's father) was trying to do something similar with his son and Princess Eva.

The structure of the kingdoms as it stands right now - doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and maybe because they're fairy tales they don't have to. But if the goal of OUAT is to tell the part of the stories we  *don't* know, then things like motives and structure should be clearer and more consistent. I'm prepared to believe in magic. I'm not prepared to believe that Cora is fifth in line, when she is very clearly calling herself Queen.

*In "The Price of Gold" Rumpelstiltskin kills Cinderella's fairy godmother for her wand. In "The Shepherd" we find out that Rumpel traded information to King George for information on her whereabouts, since she was patron to George's family. Which actually might make her Thomas's fairy godmother, and not Cinderella's - strictly speaking. Or it means that Cinderella and King George are related somehow.