OH SHIT YOU GUYS.

OUAT might have actually done something clever this time.

Remember that time in New York City Serenade Hook said he had a life to get back to? "A Pirate's Life". That probably made most people think of this (lyrics start at 2:30):

But remember - we're talking about Captain Hook. He's not a Pirate of the Carribean. He's got roots in Neverland. And in Disney's Neverland, the pirates sing THIS:

Ohh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life
A-rovin over the sea
Give me a career as a buccaneer
It's the life of a pirate for me
Ohh, the life of a pirate for me

Ohh, A pirate's life is a wonderful life
They never bury your bones
For when it's all over
A jolly sea rover drops in on his friend Davy Jones
Ohh, his very good friend Davy Jones.

Ohh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life
You'll find adventure and sport
But live every minute
For all that is in it
The life of a pirate is short...

Monday Recap: Good Form - Spoilers Ahoy!

 Belay that ahoy there! Shipshape! Sailor Talk! Holy Hook in a Hairbow!

Yowza.

I'm starting to have some doubts about this season. It's really starting to meander. We all knew that a Captain/Swan hook up (ha!) was coming, and while that kiss was worth the price of admission - Emma's relationships all feel really forced to me. I don't know...maybe it's me. But I really do buy her as a consummate survivor with a LOT of trust issues, and I don't see those walls come down enough to buy her with any of the guys we've seen her paired with yet.
 
Who did we meet?: Captain Liam Jones (RIP), and a lost boy who is NOT Felix.

When and where did the events take place?: Present Day Neverland, unspecified past in an as yet unspecified kingdom. We STILL have not been to Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Dreamshade has an antidote, and the antidote has a pretty major catch.
Also, Hook's backstory! It was interesting, if a leeeetle hamfisted. We *know* that Hook Killian becomes a pirate. He didn't really need the Norma Rae moment with AAAAALL the exposition. Although Colin O'Donohue played it well. I think the guys on that ship were just happy to have a reason to lose all that fussy gear.

Why does this matter?: Maybe the better question is DOES this matter, but this King that Killian and Liam are in the employ of, who knows not just of Neverland's existance, but of a virulently toxic plant and needs it to win a war. Is this a framing device or, will this be important later? We really don't know where Killian and Liam are from, although it certainly seems like the Enchanted Forest.

Since he's sworn off Neverland, it can't be too terribly long after Liam's death when he meets Milah. So maybe the wars are the Ogre Wars?

Oh Henry!: Yeah, I got nothing. I miss Rumpelstiltskin.

Best Line: "A one-handed pirate with a drinking problem?" - Peter Pan to/about Captain Hook. Ouch and zing - but let's be real, pop-psychologists don't diagnose guys with Captain Hook syndrome, now do they?

Missed Opportunity: "Go get some firewood or something." - Emma after that RAUNCHY kiss. Really Hook, all you can muster after THAT is "As you wish?" Well, I guess there's some precedent for simplicity.

Wait, What?: Is there really a sextant that will help them decode the map  and get them off the island? Cause...let's find THAT. It sounds more useful than a golden compass.

And where's Tinkerbell? She's possibly the inabitant  of the other cage along with Rumpel, or Owen/Greg. My money is on Ethan Embry. I think Tink is playing both sides of the field, because WE NEVER SAW A BODY. That line about there "not being enough of [Owen]" to salvage anything had to have been a lie, because all that happened to him was his shadow was taken.

There are three shadows roaming around loose...well, dissected from their owners. Rumpel, Pan, and Owen. Wonder what's up with them? 

Really OUAT?: Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. No one wants to #savehenry. I have a feeling you'll get a lot more twitter traction with #shutupsnow and/or #shutupcharming.

Crackpot Theory: I don't know...I can't nail this down Pan's motives. The idea that he's grooming Henry to be the new Pan has some audience traction. But I just don't know. Pan really seems to have the world calibrated to his liking. And here's the other thing - we haven't yet seen him out and out lie. He tells the truth selectively, and in a way that will ultimately benefit him, but he does tell it. So I'm inclined to believe what he said to Henry about wanting/needing him to bring back magic. And it still doesn't explain how Pan knew to look for The Heart of the Truest Believer or how he got that sketch.
We also haven't seen him outside the context of Neverland, even though we know he's originally from the Enchanted Forest.

So how did Peter Pan find his way to Neverland and become its defacto ruler? Does anyone else find it odd that we haven't seen ANY fairies in Neverland yet, excluding the fallen Tinkerbell? This has shady blue fairy dust all over it to me.

Random Thoughts: Charming is an INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE throughout this episode. "It's your fault we're here!" "Stay away from my daughter!" "Emma will never love you!" "You're a LIAR and liars SUCK." "You're nothing but a pirate" ...SAID THE SHEPERD WHO MASQUERADED AS A PRINCE AND MARRIED A TITLE. #ShutupCharming SHEESH.

OUAT drinking game - take a drink every time Regina: A. uses magic for something superficial. B. whines about how they could solve this problem with magic. C. says something snippy, D. uses a bad pun (all puns are bad puns.)

Henry turning that stick into an actual sword was not as neat as Robin Williams turning empty bowls into bowls full of rainbow frosting. Maybe that's my bias.

September Speculation: Killian Jones Edition!

Things I did not do between May and September: Catch up on Scandal, Revenge or even all of Game of Thrones. Blog intermittently while re-watching episodes of OUAT.

Things I did do between May and September: Read all of the currently in-print Song of Ice and Fire Series. Began watching The Big Bang Theory, Watched Bob's Burgers, and Orange is The New Black. Bitched about S2 of OUAT being UTTER NONSENSE while trying to entice other people to watch the show. (I was bad at this last thing. You see the conflict.)

There are other things that I did and did not do, but those would make this blog long and entirely too personal and not at all about OUAT, so...yeah.

Welcome to September and S3! It is a new season! Jane Espenson is back! I am optimistic! I want to be optimistic! I remember what happened the last time I was optimistic!

I could write about my hopes and fears and disappointments about this show - but I'm going to make a very conscious attempt to be forward thinking, and only look back as it relates to what we know or don't know about the story so far.

With that in mind - I'm going to start off with some speculation about Captain Killian Jones - aka Hook.

"No, you're right. I wear less eyeliner than
Jack Sparrow. Three guesses why."

Who is he?: Killian Jones, pirate, Captain of the Jolly Roger. Former ally of Cora, enemy of Rumpelstiltskin, Relationships with the rest of the Storybrooke Gang - unclear, bordering on antagonistic. Emma is CLEARLY drawn to him, but (rightly) doesn't trust him. Snow White is understandably repulsed by him, and he and David are doing the alpha dog 'circle and snap' deal that guys do. To be fair, Hook has been charmingly lewd toward David's wife and daughter, so David sort of has the moral upper hand (HA! Get it?) here. His relationship with Regina is a bit fraught. She's got to hold him a little responsible for Cora's death - which is for some reason upsetting to her, even though she sent Hook to Wonderland with instructions to KILL CORA. Then again, Regina's default is to blame Snow White, so maybe not.

What do we know about him?: He's the current Charming Rogue in Emma's life, whether she knows it or not, or wants to admit it. It'll be interesting to see if her "superpower" re-manifests in his presence. He spent time in Neverland for the purpose of living long enough to plot his revenge against The Dark One. He has a healthy (?) fear/respect of the Lost Boys.

"Captain, I really don't think we should
accept blankets from these colonists."

What do we NOT know about him?: How he became a pirate. How he became a captain. How much time he spent in Neverland, (Query: How can one "spend time" in Neverland? We know there is day and night, and they're not on some kind of temporal loop that causes them to repeat actions a la 'Groundhog Day', but people...lifeforms?...don't age. Does this include plants? If nothing dies, how do food chains work? I've been watching a lot of The Magic School Bus lately.) and what he did or who he interacted with while he was there. Incidentally, we also don't know what happened to the rest of his crew. When he heads into Neverland, he's got a ship full of pirates. All of whom but Smee go conspicuously missing. Smee goes missing later. There's a very good chance he's still a rat.**

Where is he from/going?: Originally from the Enchanted Forest, Hook travels to Neverland after Milah's death and his impromptu amputation so that he can remain the same age and plot the death of the Dark One.

Why does he do the things he does?: Short term - revenge and survival. "If there's one thing I want more than my revenge, it's my life." Hook wants to survive long enough to get to Rumplestiltskin and kill him, thereby avenging Milah. Long term - Hook, like everyone else on this show, is looking for love. D'aw. The bitter pill is that he FOUND it, albeit briefly. Moral of the Story: Happily Ever After, rarely is. The bigger question is what led Killian/Hook to become a pirate, and why does he have these fixed ideas about Good Form and fair fights?

A black pirate captain?
Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
(Wait, that's not right...)

Before S2 began, I entertained the idea that Lancelot after being banished from the Round Table in disgrace, might have become Hook. Swordsman, strong principles, it could have worked. Oh well.

How does he impact the story?: Well, his only motivation that we've seen, is to kill Rumpelstiltskin. Which means he has to get in the same universe, to begin with. I'm not sure why Cora needed Hook, but we know why Hook needed Cora. Now that he knows where his nemesis is, and what some of his weaknesses are (Belle, the dagger, and garden variety poisons APPARENTLY.) he's....helping him get to Neverland because....reasons?

What does the protagonist want?: I know, I know. Hook isn't a protagonist. ...in Peter Pan's story, as we know it. But first - that's Captain JAMES Hook, not Killian Jones. And bigger point, that's in Peter Pan's story.  No one is ever the villain in their own story, and EVERYONE has their own story. Told from Hook's POV, he's avenging the the death of his beloved at the hands of the Dark One through the use of Good Form and Pointy Objects. So, what he wants is...unclear. The only way to put it right now, is that he wants an opportunity. Whether that's to genuinely redeem himself in the eyes of the Charming-Snow-Swan family, or just lull Rumpelstiltskin into a false sense of security remains to be seen.

Crackpot Theories: Hook's not just captaining the ship, he's going to be the guide to Neverland. Rumpel seems to have a passing familiarity with Neverland, and we know Regina knows about it - but David and Mary Margaret are in the dark (Why are they going? How are they supposed to be useful?), and Emma might only know what the rest of us know about Peter Pan, which is never absolute knowledge.

Hook as a love interest for Emma, natch. Especially since we're all comfortably assuming that Neal/Baelfire is dead, which he is NOT. That'll be an interesting love triangle - Daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming at the crux of the pissing contest between the Son of the Dark One and the Pirate Captain who used to be all about the Dark One's ex-wife. JER-RY JER-RY JER-RY!!!

Honestly, it's hard to form a proper crackpot theory around a character who's motivations are so obscured. We've seen him ally himself with literally every character at this point, however disingenuously. He agreed to kill Cora on Regina's behalf, he assisted Mary Margaret and Emma at Cora's behest, He helped Baelfire evade the Lost Boys, he even helped Greg and Tamara trap Regina. Now he's helping Rumpelstiltskin and Company get to Neverland. He seems to be playing a very ADHD endgame. Stay tuned!








** Actually a rat. S2 Ep11

Weekend Speculation

"Your acting all season has been
 more wooden than mine right now."

Well, this is it. The culmination of a bizzare, lackluster season. A season that started with tremendous promise and then seems to have shat the bed.

By Kitsis and Edwards own admission their biggest regret of Season 2 was having August/Pinnochio tasered to death, because wood is historically traditionally scientifically not the greatest conductor of electricity.

Biggest Season Two Regret
Eddy and Adam also took a moment to address a major fan complaint this season: The Tasing of Pinocchio. "Here's the thing, we thought, 'We need a real world weapon.'" In the moments in making that decision we never realized the backlash that would be from a taser," Eddy emphatically said. "We just figured the audience assumed it wasn't a taser ... but they didn't. So I got a lot of history lessons about wood and conducting electricity. If I could go back one season and change one thing, I would have made it a syringe. If she had just taken a [glowing] syringe and shoved it into the dragon, no one would give a sh*t. I am sorry we chose a taser. We are willing to take the hit for the taser. We f*cked up." (http://www.etonline.com/tv/133446_Once_Upon_A_Time_Season_2_Finale_Spoilers/)

So we head into "And Straight On Til Morning" on Sunday. Neal/Baelfire has been shot and gone through the portal into another world. We've gained some insight into Hook and Baelfire's past relationship - that is, that they had a past relationship.

Here's what we know:

• Neal and Emma are Henry's biological parents
• Neal is Baelfire, Rumpelstiltskin's biological son
• Rumplestiltskin believes that Henry will be his undoing, based on the prophecy of the seer.
• Neal and Emma both traveled to other worlds through the Blue Fairy's involvement.
• Rumpelstiltskin says that fairy magic doesn't mix well with what he is
• Emma is inherently magical - The Chosen One, born of true love destined to break the Dark Curse. She hasn't actually broken it yet. 
• Shortly after being sent to A World Without Magic, Baelfire is taken to Neverland.
• In Neverland, you don't age. Hook goes there with the intent of giving himself unlimited time to plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin, since The Dark One has "life eternal". (But can apparently be killed by poison. Whatever.)
• Rumpelstiltkin is the "crocodile" responsible for cutting off Hook's hand - and killing his True Love - Milah.
• Milah is Rumpelstiltskin's former wife, and Baelfire's mother.
• There are faries in Neverland, according to Wendy.

Here's what we don't know:

• We don't know why The Shadow is kidnapping boys to Neverland.
• Where Neal is now.
• What happens to Baelfire while he is in Neverland.
• How Baelfire/Neal gets back from Neverland to A World Without Magic.
• What Hook and and Baelfire's relationship is to one another.
• How Henry got his book of Fairy Tales - weren't we promised that this season?

Shady. Bitch.

Is it possible that The Blue Fairy is playing a bigger end game than Rumpel? Both Emma and Neal made it to A Land Without Magic through her involvement. But Baelfire/Neal was born and went through the portal LONG before Emma was conceived or even thought of. So a mysterious magical force, coming from a land which houses mermaids and faries is kidnapping young boys and keeping them in a land where they don't age for reasons unknown. But we know Neal leaves Neverland somehow. In time to meet Emma and father a child. A child who is now being prophesied/assumed to be the undoing of The Dark One.

Rumpelstiltskin's willing to chalk Regina's adoption of Henry up to 'fate'.  I'm not so sure.

I also still think that Bae is the reason that Hook knows about Rumpel's dagger. I can't help but wonder if/when Baelfire finds out that Rumpelstiltskin is actually the person responsible for Milah's death.

I'm not so sure that Baelfire IS Peter Pan. I'll be pleasantly surprised if he's not.

Sometimes it's not about finding the answers - SPOILERS SWEET BABY JEBUS IN THE MANGER SPOILERS

If you haven't seen Tallahassee yet - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

The obvious question is, what's in the box? This is classic Horowitz/Kitsis sleight of hand. They direct all of our attention to the box, make us salivate with curiosity over what could possibly be in the box  that August shows to Neil to make him believe in Emma's grand and glorious destiny as The Savior.

And what's in the box is a mystery, to be sure. An important one. But asking what's in the box is the wrong question.

The question is WHY would Neil have any reason/be predisposed to believe in Fairy Tales? There is arguably, nothing that August would have or could get and could keep in his possession that would persuade any average two-bit hustler person that Fairy Tales are a Real True Thing. August isn't trying to convince Neil that Fairy Tales are real. He doesn't have to - he has to do that with Emma. He has to convince Neil that they both KNOW THE SAME THING.

So overdue. So many questions. Spoilers

I'm way behind on my monday recaps, but now I have all the weeks to catch up on that plus more OUAT speculation. But just two quick - 'Wait, what?' moments from The Queen of Hearts episode

1. Why did the compass matter?

2. Hook goes to where Belle is being kept in Regina's prison with the hope that she knows how to get to the weapon that will defeat Rumplestiltskin.He feeds her what is possibly a cock-and-bull story about her father's life being in danger. Hook grills Belle about a magical weapon that has the power to kill Rumplestiltksin. He doesn't know what the weapon is, or where to find it. But how does he even know such a weapon exists? We've now seen TWO swarthy, charming rogues going after this weapon. On whose orders.

Shady bitch.

Charming Rogues

Forgive the metaphor, but while the apple may not fall far from the tree, sometimes it rolls down the hill. For where Snow White found her Prince "I will always find you" Charming...

If you like it then you'd better put a ring on it.

The types of men that Emma seems to attract definitely tend  to have feet of clay. But who's looking at their feet? Beginning with the dashing former Sheriff/Huntsman Graham...

Moment of silence, requiem et en terra pax, etc etc.

And (arguably) moving on to A Not-so-Little Wooden Boy

Could you not look quite so bored, Emma? Some of us are trying to live vicariously. Thanks.

Taking a brief detour via Wonderland....

Yes. This. Times a million.

 

And now trapped in the Enchanted Forest with the epitome of the trope...

You're yummy, but I don't trust you.

there is no doubt that Emma Swan attracts charming rogues.

And sometimes even makes SUPER ANNOYING babies with them.

'So what?' you might ask. Once is, after all, a popular show airing in primetime on a major US network. It's not like they're going to cast unattractive rogues. But go back and look at those pictures again. Notice anything similar?

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Emma's got a type, for sure. A very tasty type. Curly dark hair. Distinctive eyes. Swarthy features. All roughly in their early to mid 30's. These are all features we've seen on someone before. Coincidence?

The question is - does Emma attract the type, or is she attracted TO the type?

Curiouser and curiouser...