Monday Recap: Quiet Minds OR Pruning the Family Tree.

I never did a Monday Recap on the episode Witch Hunt, which was the second ep of the WWoTW story arc. I took a bunch of notes, but nothing really came together and it was a hectic week and blah blah excuses. I went back and watched it a few times, went over my notes some more, and just couldn't glean (or produce) anything useful, and until this week I thought 'ho hum, filler episode'.

But there are some little clues thrown into Witch Hunt which are starting to make more sense, which I will get to in a bit.

Who did we meet?: Lumiere, who is not so much a 'who' as a plot device. This show might need to change it's name to Shiny Objects, because we're introduced to a new one every freaking week. Why is this the first we're hearing of the Dark Vault? How did Zelena get the dagger?  Why, if Rumpel IS dead, is his name still on it? And why in death, since he DID apparently die, didn't Rumpel's dark powers just revert to the vault leaving him mortal and dead? Whatever - Robert Carlyle, never leave us again, ok?

When and Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest within the past year (give or take) Storybrooke present day. We have zero frame of reference for the EF timeline beyond 'one year ago'. But we can infer that Belle and Neal are off searching for the Dark One at about the same time as Snow, Charming, Regina, Robin And The Rest are trying to invade the castle which is blocked off by Zelena's trademark green protection spell. And while Hook is off searching for his ship and not at all concerned about finding his freaking first mate who is possibly still a rat. People in the Enchanted Forest are bad at relationships. Granted all this repeated memory loss can't be good for anyone's amygdala.

What did we learn?: Apparently Neal sent the msg to Hook to find Emma. There's some precedent for that, I guess. Here's the weird thing. Hook has more memories than anyone else seems to. Everyone else in Storybrooke remembers Regina casting the spell, and then nothing. They have NO memories of the Enchanted Forest. Hook remembers going back, meeting Philip and Aurora, and then going off on his own to find his ship. But the question is, if Neal had been subsumed by Rumpel - how and when did he manage to get a message and a potion to Hook? And if Zelena did cast the new curse - how did Hook get back with memories intact? The upcoming episode - Jolly Roger - is going to be very interesting.

Wait, What?: Did Zelena call that flying monkey 'beautiful one' or 'dutiful one'? According to the semi-reliable captions, it's beautiful, but...that's an odd name for a minion, right?

Why is this important?: Zelena is the Wicked Witch of the West and Emma is still The Savior. Glad we got that settled.

Oh Henry!: He HAS gotten better. Or maybe I just appreciate his disdain for not-New York Bagels. Or I'm okay with this OUAT: CSI step-aside-and-let-the-grownups-handle-this format. Pick one. I'm fine with any of these options.

He's not only merely dead,
He's really most sincerely dead.
Or maybe not, because magic!

Really OUAT?: Opening the Dark Vault meant Neal was cursed, right? Emma, we're not going to give True Love's Kiss the old Snow-Charming try? Granted, True Love's Kiss RARELY lives up to it's own hype, but still. For the sake of family honor, give it a go. No? Ok, dead baby daddy then.


Rando Thoughts/Crackpot Theories:
Zelena wants what she doesn't have.You guys. She's making herself a family. She needs a heart, a brain and some courage/nerve for her ideal partner, and she's got a baby already baking. One of the first things she says in Witch Hunt as she's rifling through Regina's jewelry is that it could feed a family for a year. It might just be an offhand, throwaway comment, but somehow I doubt it.

She's got courage* and a brain - both taken from men, and I'd be willing to bet the heart will be taken from a man too. We'll see if she's goes after Hook's. Other candidates still include:

• Emma. It's worth remembering that when Cora tried to snatch her heart, she was unable to do so.
• Henry. Heart of the truest believer? Would DEVASTATE Regina. But he's also got that spell cast on him that makes his heart "unstealable".
• Unknown Baby. Pure heart, uncorrupted maybe?
• Snow. We know her heart was corrupted at one point.
• Regina. Also probably in possession of a corrupted heart.
• Robin. I'm going to include him because of my theory that Zelena's going to hold to her pattern of targeting men. He may emerge as newly vulnerable, True Love, etc etc.
• Sidney Glass, Anton, King George. Because if she wants to fly her broomstick under the radar, literally no one will notice they are and have been missing for ages.

Wanting a family makes some sense, if her story about being Cora's firstborn is true. All we know is that she had a less than ideal upbringing in Oz, and we can assume that Cora had absolutely NO hand in raising her. In fact, she quite specifically mentions her father and his desire to keep up appearances despite his shaking hands. This begs the question of who her father might be, and what the story is around her formative years. I'm still not sure I buy the half-sister thing though. We SAW her take Regina's blood, and then the blood lock on the vault was open. In the following episode we saw her take Rumpel's blood and use it to open the blood lock on the safe in the pawn shop. If she is Cora's elder daughter and she used her own blood to open the vault, then what did she need Regina's blood for?

We've seen Regina and her pixie-dust-appointed-lover Robin Hood meet twice now. They're undeniably showing some chemistry, but I think that says more about the actors than it does about the writing and the pairing making any kind of sense. The important thing about the characterization is that Robin acknowledges that Regina is formidable, and doesn't back down from it, or feel the need to stand up to it. He just kind of lets her be and enjoys the view. I have to wonder where Tinkerbell and ALL the fairies are. (Shady Bitch.) I still miss Nova. I want her and Grumpy to get their boat and sail around the world. Why should Snow and Charming get the only happy ending?

Fun fact that I actually heard from a friend who is "expecting", OJ really does perk up some fetuses in utero! Sonogram techs actually recommend that expecting moms drink orange juice or lemonade before getting sonograms doene. So maybe Zelena IS actually a midwife. Or maybe she knows how to use Google. BURN HER!!!

*Perhaps not coincidentally, Charming's courage is represented by his "sword". #phallicsymbolism

Monday Recap: Ariel or The Prince is Giving A Spoiler Ball!

Who did we meet?: Ariel, Eric, and Ursula (?) and some very oddly dressed court attendees.

 

When/Where did the events take place?: Pre-Dark Curse Enchanted Forest. (Presumeably around the time of the events of Skin Deep), Present Day Neverland.

Wait, What?: It's daylight in Neverland! Probably because all the SPECTACULARLY BAD nighttime CGI took place in the EF. Also they've been there a week. Camping. No one's hair looks like that after a week of camping.

Why does this matter?: Pan can only be killed if Rumpel dies? How does THAT work? Is this like...a Demona/MacBeth thing? Is it worth remembering that Pan is typically depicted with a dagger as his chosen weapon? It's interesting that we keep seeing Rumpel's survival instincts come to the fore.

Oh Henry!: Henry Free - Way To Be! We get so much more ACCOMPLISHED when he doesn't feature. Really, I'm just looking out for productivity here.

Really OUAT?: EVERYONE WANTS NEW DO-OVER BABIES. Since, y'know, we kind of sucked at 'parenting' the first time around.

Crackpot Theories: We've now ruled out Rumpel as the other person in the suspended cage. (Welcome back Robert Carlyle. We missed you.) That leaves Tinkerbell or Greg/Owen as our known knowns. Then there are the unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns. My money is still on Owen/Greg. Rumpel seems so sure that ShadowBelle is Pan's Shadow...I'm not convinced.

Best Line: "Mini Trident!" - Ariel. This was the BEST allusion to the Disney film.

Random Thoughts:

Emma is learning to use magic! From Regina. Anyone else reminded of Zuko teaching Aang to firebend?

Why are everyone's ears huge in this episode???

WEIRD design choices at the Ursula Ball. Epaulets and sashes and foofy tri-corner hats for the gentlemen and...Pzaz clearance rack for the ladies. And no, you can't curtsey in that dress Ariel baby. This is a family show.

Take a drink every time there's a hamfisted allusion to Disney's The Little Mermaid(tm)! Take two every time the allusion is to a song!

Omg. #ShutUpSnow. Please come back and write Jane Espenson. Consulting producer is not enough to keep this ship from listing.

"I can't ask him to give up his dream for someone he just met." - Ariel.  Uh....why not? He asked you to give up your LIFE with little more than a 'Shall We Dance'. I mean damn. Someone had his bossy boots on. This whole situation could be handled with a simple 'why don't we just get to know each other?', or failing that, YOU'RE A MERMAID. FOLLOW THE SHIP. Oh right, True Love means never having to say you're a mermaid. Did anyone else think that Ariel falling in love with Unconscious Prince Eric was a smidge...rapey? Then again I'm sure neither Snow nor Aurora would find it odd. Feminism in the EF. Oy. You're doing it wrong.

What could be in Rumpel's shop that would constitute A Fate Worse than Death? ARE WE GOING TO TURN PETER PAN INTO A PUPPET???

Regina-as-Ursula: THE FUCK is on your face?? Did a BP oil rig explode?

Prince What-Might-Have-Been.

Ursula's the sea goddess, right? I mean, she's either a goddess that merpeople worship OR she's a myth that no one takes all that seriously. Or are there mer-atheists? Ariel dear, there are cracks in your theology. Also, weren't you just in a cheap off the rack prom dress ballgown? Did you change your outfit to stand on the beach at night?

GilMcKinney made a very stiff and bossy sort of Eric. I wish they'd cast Matt Bomer.

Monday recap: Nasty (Spoiler!) Habits

Who did we meet?: The Pied Piper...sort of. Yay OUAT for including the definition of 'pied'. But Fables still did it better. Read Peter and Max - you won't be sorry.

When and where do the events take place?: Enchanted Forest Pre Dark Curse. The further back we go along the OUAT timeline, the less useful the DC is as a marker. We're in the EF after Rumpel gets his powers, but before Baelfire gets access to the portal bean portal. Present Day Neverland. We STILL have not been back to Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Neal is bomb. He cold clocks Felix, and immobilizes Pan. (although it's a poor sort of immobilizer that allows the victim to talk...) He doesn't take ANY shit from Rumpel, and he made a star map from a coconut. Take that Gilligan and Co. Ok Emma, I get it.

Also! Peter Pan is a MASTER manipulator. He knows how to make his words find their mark. He's very good on preying on the weaknesses that people aren't even fully honest with themselves about. In this episode alone, we watch him manipulate Henry, Rumpel, and Baelfire/Neal. Is it possible that he's not getting his way through magic, but sheer mindfuckery?

Why does this matter?: Rumpelstiltskin, Baelfire, and now Henry have all been Lost Boys. Rumpelstiltskin knew Peter Pan when he (Rumpel) was a boy. So he's been in Neverland (not aging!) since Rumpel was a kid. It's heavily implied that Rumpel knew Peter as a kid, before he somehow became such a Big Bad. What's the story there?

Really OUAT?: The Pied Piper of Hamlin pipes the children away while they sleep. When Rumpel happens upon Hamlin, they're organizing search parties. Rumpel sticks around for the Piper's encore performance, which is spiriting away young men. Those were NOT exactly boys shimmying down those buildings.  But no girls. No young women. So is Pan not taking them, or are the people of Hamlin not that concerned about missing daughters?

At the end of S2, Wendy says that the shadow only keeps boys on the island. Why? The quick 'n'dirty answer then seemed to be that he knew he was looking for a boy. But this Pied Piper business seems to negate that, when he says he wants friends. Does he not want to play with girls? (shut it) Pan seems willing enough to have Emma as a "lost girl". All he seems to want and need around him are people with feelings of abandonment that he can poke at.

Oh Henry!: Henry I-won't-dance-don't-ask-me Mills.You are so great when you are unconscious. You and Aurora should team up. Wonder snooze powers activate!

This is David's 'Oh no you didn't' face.

Wait, what?: All it takes to lure a  fairly-large-although-maybe-not-technically-giant-but-still-plenty-honkin-big squid to the SURFACE is a toot on a conch shell? I WAS PROMISED MERMAIDS.

Also why is everyone so goddamn sold on the idea that Neal is dead? He was SHOT. That doesn't automatically equal dead. Have none of you heard of Suge Knight?

Best Line Exchange: "Why do you care?" "Why don't you?"- David and Hook.
Captain Hook just told Prince Charming to man the fuck up.

Crackpot Theory: Can't take credit for this, but it's an interesting one - Peter Pan is grooming Henry to take over his role. It's interesting, and plausible...but I dunno. Peter seems to like his seat of power just fine. If anything, I think he might want to expand it. Is it possible that Peter is trapped in/by Neverland? A prison that you can control is still a prison.

Random thoughts: GOOD FOR YOU TINK ASKING FOR AN ESCAPE PLAN. You are officially smarter than the United States Congress. I have to wonder about Tinkerbell. I'm not prepared to rule her out as a double agent, and she and Hook CLEARLY have some kind of past-with-a-capital-P. That P can stand for whatever you like.

Getting reeeeeal sick of Halluceno-Belle.  Also Felix. Dear sweet baby Jebus in the manger. LEVELS. Play with them. But Belle. Honey? Self-preservation is not a "nasty habit". It is...I don't know how to be any plainer - it's self-preservation. Not dying. You said that not dying is a nasty habit...for an immortal. That makes no sense.

Apparently there "wasn't enough left [of Greg/Owen] to find anything useful". RIP Ethan Embry maybe. And I saw that smile Regina. Gross. Remember there was a time you wanted to adopt him as a kid and bone his father. Tell us again how you're not a villain?

Oh, and Regina I appreciate you not complaining and nagging to use magic to find Henry, but I'm not sure constant snarking is any better. I'm still not seeing this teamwork we were all so hot for in the first ep of this season.

HIS NAME IS NEAL, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Can we please find a less awkward but still gender-neutral phrase to use instead of 'bail bondsperson'? I like bounty hunter. And are we still not discussing Emma's non-superpower? Ok, good.

We're never going to see Neverland in daylight, are we? We're also never going to see Emma, Snow, or Regina in anything other than impeccable clothing and hair, are we? Is it a royal thing?

You're no Jamie Dornan, but you'll do.

Hook remembers that Milah liked to draw (D'aw.) Now all I can think about is Hook naked on a fainting couch asking to be drawn "like one of your French girls."


Yeah, I'm going to wrap up on Hook Naked.