"Monday" Recap: The Apprentice

I've been lost in the Land of  10,000 excuses! Here are some highlights of my trip:

• jet lag + pms = DED
• unpacking + cramps = crabby beyond all reason
• Let's Cram EVERYTHING into OCTOBER because it's not like we did anything in August. 
• Election season is a freaking moneygrab for so many industries...including mine. Yay dayjob!
• Hulu HATES me for some inexplicable reason. I know I ignored it all summer long to catch up on Buffy and Scandal and Sherlock and Revenge with Netflix, but come on. Get over yourself.

Which is to say, mea mea mea culpa on the backlog. Diving in. Spoilers!

First and foremost, I have to say this was a pretty slick episode. LOTS of Robert Carlyle and Jennifer Morrison and Colin O'Donahue doing their thing, and doing it strong. Lots of points for Michael Socha's facial expressions. A little light on Lana Parilla, but she will get her moments this season, and lots of them, I should think. This episode also dispensed with a lot of conventions, for good and for ill. It's still doing a lot of reiteration and audience hand-holding, and this episode was a bit motivational dialogue heavy, which usually means we're about to get into some action - and the dialogue was tempered with some fun banter between characters. It's nice to see them settling into Life in Storybrooke, whatever that may mean. It's interesting that magic is very much alive, well, and accessible in Storybrooke, which makes me wonder what other characters with other motivations are up to. The answer is obviously, nothing  - because this show is The Charmings meets Modern Family masquerading as a drama.

Second, as anyone who knows me can testify, I have drunk the Disney kool-aid and found it sweet. I am aware that OUAT is little more than a 60-minute commercial in primetime for every "classic" Disney movie property ever. They are absolutely catering to those of us who have grown up with modern Disney classics - they know all those little (let's be real) girls who watched and rewatched The Little Mermaid on VHS until their parents wept tears of blood and brothers big and small rended their hair and garments, are now in their late 20's/early 30's and they are turning childhood nostalgia into ADVERTISING CHEDDAR. ABC is the new Disney Channel boys and girls, and you would do well to remember it. That being said - this has always been true of OUAT. But in S1, they were more subtle about it. Even in S3, Peter Pan borrowed a lot of influence from its many other incarnations, and The Wizard of Oz isn't really a "classic" Disney property, I don't care what James Franco says. WE DO NOT DISCUSS S2.

This season is UNABASHEDLY for the Disney Fandom. It is pandering. I don't mind that it's pandering, but some people do and will. There's no sense in trying to sugarcoat that. Face it for what it is, and decide whether or not you are on board the S.S. Disneyphile.

Who did we meet?: The Apprentice! Who got turned into a mouse of all things. Who ever would have guessed? /sarcasm

Shiny Objects: SO MANY! Hook's hook. Hook's hand. The bucket!box. The neat but sort of unnecessary walking broom. But yay to the FX dept. If ever a broom looked like it meant business, that one sure did. The starry starry hat. The dagger/"wavy knife".

When/Where did the events take place?: "A Long Time Ago". This is now the second time we have seen this so far this season. They have thrown in the towel on timeline. We know that Anna arrives in "Mysthaven" aka The Enchanted Forest roughly two years after the events in Frozen, well after Rumpel becomes and is well established as The Dark One, and before the Dark Curse is cast for the first time by Regina. This is important because we have only seen Anna in flashback up until now. We have no idea where present day Anna (or Kristoff! Or Sven!) might be.

The Incredibles 2: Frozone Boogaloo.

Why is this important?: Is there something about cryohydrokinesis that makes you want to stay in ballgowns all the time? If so, I expect to see some redesigns to Frozone's super suit in The Incredibles sequel.

Oh Henry!: Go ahead and file this under things I never thought I'd blog, but  I'm really impressed with Henry this episode. He got in a little underhanded emotional manipulation (Hi Neal!) with the damn Dark One and it WORKED. It was slick. It was cashing in on wholesome reputation to do a little stealth recon. But maybe learn to sweep a floor like you didn't just have a massive brain hemorrhage?

Wait, what?: Isn't the entire town looking for Princess Snow Kaguya? Sorry - The Snow Queen? And she's just leisurely traipsing about the town in broad daylight in Liberace's dressing gown? As totally over Grumpy-as-mouthpiece as I am, this might have been a useful time for him to show up and utilize his increasingly horrifying brand of mob justice.

Really, OUAT?: Wardrobe...I don't know what to do with you. On the one hand, you put Charming in Adorkable Dad Flannel and got Hook out of those piratey duds that can probably pillage on their own after 2 seasons. On the other hand, no librarian/archivist worth her Dewey Decimals would be caught tripping around day-in-day-out in platform heels, and could we maybe have gotten Hook or Rumpel in some color? Do villains have to be in all black all the time? Seriously, what SEASON is it in Storybrooke. The radio broadcast says that it's 70 degrees, but 30 by the ice wall (ha.) So...is it summer? Maine is a pretty chilly state, no?


Stuff I didn't hate: Sven. Sven all day. If that reindeer doesn't win an Emmy, what is even the use of having Emmy awards?

Didn't hate the nods to Lady and The Tramp (HA! Get it?) on Hook and Emma's date. Cause nothing says "romance" like a knocked up bitch. In general, I'm not hating the use of new locations this season.

Reminding everyone that Rumpel isn't just a threat because of his knowledge of and access to magic, but because of his character. He's manipulative and power-hungry. Much like Hook's hand, the bucket!box/starry hat/wavy knife is not the problem. It's just given him permission to be who he is.

Loving that no new characters are related to Henry. 

Anna and Kristoff. D'aw. Although, I really hope we avoid making Anna's central characteristics "sweet" and "nice". Anna is brave and loyal, and much more interesting than some parts of this episode would have us believe.



Remaining Questions:

• Where's Anna?
• And Kristoff? And SVEN???
• What's up w/the SQ?
• And her relationship to Rumpel? And Emma?
• If she didn't come with a curse, are we about to see magic in "our world" outside of Storybrooke?
• Who's the writer?
• Who's the Sorcerer?
• What happened to Wendy, John, and Michael?

Recap: A Tale of Two Sisters

Who did we meet?: Maid Marrying - oops, I mean Marian and her merry extensions, Princess Anna, Queen Elsa, Social Climber Kristof, and most importantly SVEN.

Shiny Objects: The necklace, clearly.  It was in Gold's shop - is it magical somehow? How did he get it? Why does he still have it? Do we need an episode of Hoarders: Storybrooke, complete with intervention?

When/Where did the events take place?: "A long time ago" (way to phone it in OUAT), Five years after that (which puts it 2 years after the end of  the events that take place in Frozen), and Storybrooke - present day, right where we left our Heroes at the end of S3. Dingdonging the dead witch, and coronating Prince Neal of House Nolan, First of His Name.

Why is this important?: The Enchanted Forest is known as Mysthaven to people in Arendelle. It's nice to see someone getting there via means that are not portal-related.

Why are Hans and his brothers angry? I mean, I get where Hans would be pissed, but why the brothers? Also, is this an opportunity to work in the story of the 12 dancing princesses?? (Which is one of my personal favorite oft-overlooked fairy tales.)

Oh Henry!: More like 'No Henry', amirite? Clearly they are struggling with Henry's evolving role in this world as an adolescent. What of the king stag, when the young stag is grown? Not that Henry is grown yet, but there is just not enough pixie dust to forestall Mother Nature. (hashtag puberty.)

Wait, What?: Someone needs to explain to me how real estate works in Storybrooke, because it's starting to seem like the people Regina shut in the asylum had a pretty sweet gig. Jefferson and Gold (does he have a first name in SB?? We're four seasons in, I feel like this is something we should know.) sort of worked out their housing pre-curse. Inadvertently, in Jefferson's case - but still. Naturally Regina set herself up in a mansion to her personal taste and specifications and everyone else sort of landed mid-story in houses, with jobs, in a bustling little seaside metropolis. Cool.

Then the curse got broken - well, dented - everyone got their memories back, the curse got reversed, then renacted, everyone had just a little bit of memory loss, but then we fixed that too, so we're here in Storybrooke - NOT trapped, with all of our erased memories reinstated. Groovy.

Except that no one seems to remember that David Nolan has a HOUSE. Remember WAY back in S1 when he was married to Kathryn/Abigail and she took off for Boston and Law School? (Good for you lady, way to Lean In and dodge a bullet) They're all squished into Snow's little bachelorette pad for some crazypants reason which I was sort of okay with until Belle saunters into town and announces you can just CLAIM houses?

UmI'msorrywhatnow? "It must have come over in the last curse.", says Belle, before blithely wondering who it belongs to, and then proceeding to not give any f*cks at all about her own curiosity.  I'm starting to seriously think Belle is the most callous of Disney princesses - although in OUAT, they're all pretty much derpy brats.

Do objects come from the EF? Like, entire estates? I get that in the original Dark Curse Regina brought her own shit, and apparently in the Dark Curse Redacted everyone got their stuff BACK (Hi Snow's wig!), so in the DC Lite cast by Snow, abandoned houses are just hauled out of the EF as opposed to generated by the curse like in the DC Original Recipe. Since there is no immediate evidence of an occupant (WHY???) this house that features it's own BALLROOM just belongs to Mr and Mrs Gold now? Finders Keepers Realty, the pride of Storybrooke! I'm also really annoyed that Belle's Storybrooke alias is "Lacey" and not Rose. 1. Rose would have been SO much better and 2. Her Storybrooke name would now be ROSE GOLD. Instead of Lacey Gold. Or Belle Gold. Seriously, WHAT is Rumpel's Storybrooke name?

Really, OUAT?: That title. This episode is NOT a tale of two sisters. It simply isn't. That title is a lazy attempt at being....literary? Clever? It succeeds at nothing and neither. It's a blatant cash-in on Frozen, which is clearly what we can expect from this half of the season, which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Rando Thoughts: Death DID you part, Robin. Why do Enchanted Forest vows not come with escape clauses in case of magic and/or time travel? They should.

"Maybe we should have gone with Baelfire"?? - Charming. What? Gone where? To the valley of the shadow? I mean, I'm not disagreeing - but...what exactly did he mean by THAT?

Rumpel SWITCHED the daggers. So Belle has the real dagger, and he has the fake. But then he snatched the real dagger back to wave the it over the bucket that is now a hat. Maguffins! Whee. So...why have him switch the daggers back? To show that he's trying to be a better man, but he's weak? He could have just had graveside chat time with Bae, and then taken out the dagger, whispered 'I'm sorry Bae', and we would have gotten the point without all the switcheroo.

Anna's wedding is TOMORROW and they are just hauling that long lost gown out of the attic? I really hope Elsa had that thing oxycleaned and was doing a surprise "reveal". And while we are discussing sartorial choices -

Elsa, you clearly can't properly flee in terror in that sparkly gown - so either bust out 'Let it Go' and get it out of all our systems, or ice magick yourself up some trousers and maybe a pair of appropriate footware. I'm thinking Ice Queen of Arandelle meets Tomb Raider. You can keep the braid, everyone wins.

What season is it in Storybrooke?

Remaining Questions: At the beginning of the ep, Anna and Elsa's  mother insists that only the truth can save her daughters. The truth about what? Save them from whom?

Stuff I didn't hate: Sydney's back! And with not much more than a whoops-upside-the-head he's back to being trapped in that mirror. He had better be UPSET about that, because I want to get some mileage out of the hashtags #Mirrorsass and #Mirrorshade. But why does Sydney think he's been in prison "all those years"? And why is he so excited by the thought of killing?

Regina's wardrobe. The evil queen stuff got a little out of control. I like Regina in her power suits, with her on-point brows, and flawless makeup and hair.

Bravo SFX dept on Grand Pabbie and Marshmallow. Nicely done.

"You've got a sister, you're never going to be alone." Solid line, and very Anna-ish. Everything about her delivery is very Anna. At least they're determined to try and do justice to the characterizations originated in the film.

I'm not bossy, I'm the Queen.

Did...did Elsa just channel Beyonce? I might be okay with this season. And by 'okay' I mean cautiously optimistic. If S2 was a shitshow, and it took all of S3 to reset it, (can we agree that Zelina was wholly unnecessary?) S4 might be the S2 we all wanted.

I'm presently away from my normal routine so this will be an abridged Monday Recap, with a full breakdown to follow next Mon, BUT the short version is I am cautiously optimistic. LOADS of interesting potential hashtags storylines - mainly #OnceisFrozen, #FindTheWriter, and #SorcerersApprentice.

This ep was mercifully light on Royal Derpitude eg: Charming, Snow, and Henry, which I am SO ON BOARD WITH. OUAT has way too many interesting characters to waste another season on those three.

Other setups/mysteries which should dovetail nicely into the three major new storylines:

• Whose house palatial mansion are Rumple and Belle having honeymoon secks in? It's not Jefferson's old home. Whoever it belongs to is going to be (rightfully) pissed.
• Villains take over!! This is the one I'm really interested to see. We've seen fairy tale heroes team up against evil, but we haven't seen the villains really band together with common cause since S1. We've seen them network (Hook & Regina), and we've seen them form temporary alliances (Regina & Maleficent), but not since Regina cast the Dark Curse in S1 have we seen the villains come together and say "We deserve a happy ending too."
• Hook and Emma. My goodness, trouble in paradise ALREADY? This can't bode well for the SS Captain Swan. And Hook, no good comes to those who declaim to the Four Winds of Heaven that they have "all the time in the world". In fact, it usually assures that they don't.
• Marian/Robin/Regina. We knew this was coming, but it's not going to be simple. More on this triangle later! (No, really.)

It's the S4 countdown!

Hey!!! We've got less than two months til the OUAT S4 premiere. This is the point in the summer where I get all optimistic for the return of OUAT. I'm far enough out from the last season to forget all of its plotholes and disappointments, (Seriously, what did Zelena need Regina's blood for?) and still far enough away that I don't know enough to dread the upcoming season yet! And we've got an Anna, an Elsa, A Kristof, a Hans - even a Sven!

This is actually my favorite part of the OUAT season. It's like- forgive me -  freshly fallen snow. Even though I know it will inevitably all turn to slushy muck, there's still that pristine moment where everything is shining and glittery and untouched and looks like it might be beautiful and perfect.

I know, I know. But I'm going to pick up the blogging anyway. Character Profile Mondays and Episode Throwback Thursdays. Throwback Thursdays were something I'd been meaning to start through the second half of S3 and just...didn't. So I'm going to try and get into the habit now. Starting this coming Thursday I am throwing back to S1, out of order!

Stay tuned!

And now for something completely different

I will get to Marian. I WILL. And "Elsa". But OUAT's Facebook page was cross promoting this trailer today.

"ABC will use Sundays to launch Galavant ...when Once Upon A Time ... [completes its] initial fall run. “Galavant” is an hour-long musical comedy..." (http://variety.com/2014/tv/news/abc-to-add-new-marvel-series-set-greys-scandal-earlier-on-thursday-1201179313/)

If I'm reading the writing on the internet wall correctly, this will air in OUAT's Sunday timeslot during their midseason break. So Decemberish through March? When it will be competing with awards shows and the Superbowl.

This is...why this is? First off, the timeslot is a death sentence. The schedule itself is setting up any chance the show MIGHT have for failure. Second, with ALL due respect to Alan Menken - this trailer is reminiscent of many musical failures and it appears to be a pale, cynical imitation of any beloved fantasy franchise and "Entertainment President Paul Lee referred to the series in his upfront presentation as 'literally Spamalot meets Princess Bride,'" (http://www.broadway.com/buzz/175917/knights-kings-tunes-get-a-first-look-at-alan-menkens-new-musical-comedy-series-galavant/)  Figuratively. The word you meant to use was figuratively.

It is ENTIRELY possible I am being premature. This could be the next big thing. This could be Game of Thrones meets OUAT meets a resurgence of Musical Theatre on Primetime Television as an art form that is Wholesome Family Fun Good Times Yay!!! But this sure smells like entertainment by committee. This has the vaguely suspicious and wholly artificial stench of what you get when you throw focus groups and demographers and studio execs at a scheduling vacancy.

I can just see this being pitched using words like "gritty" and "edgy" and "...but with heart!".  I don't doubt that many good people did good work in bringing this project to bear, and I don't want to disparage any of them. I hope this is just a ghastly trailer, and the show really DOES have a campy charm and that it finds it's audience. (Sooner than a show like Pushing Daisies did.) I don't WANT to see things fail. But I have major doubts, AND I think this show makes it far more likely that our new Big Bad Snow Queen Storyline will showcase a musical number. The silver lining being that a rousing Storybrooke dance number will help Ginnifer Goodwin shed any remaining baby weight. And Josh Dallas  too, cause let's be real, that doublet was looking a li'l tight on Sunday.

Also, really? His name is GALAVANT? Gallant. Valiant. I think a proper hero deserves a better name than a lazy portmanteau. 

Monday Recap: Season Finale Edition! or NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS.

We have a new hashtag (#Frozen, #FrozenisComing) and a new little princeling! Rejoice! ...or something. I was also wrong wrong wrong about everything this season! Hook lives! Zelena was NOT trying to create a family - not in a creepy magic Frankenstein way, anyway, and we are NOT going to Narnia. And apparently Zelena is really most sincerely dead. So that's good, I guess.  And hey, we exchanged closing out a season with ominous clouds of smoke for neon blue goo and ice magic. I know that must have been hard for...someone. The writers? The SFX team? I'm sure they've gotten fond of the Magical Fog-Clouds of Reboot, but Disney didn't spend all that time, talent, and treasure on developing a software to animate better snow to NOT use it.

Who did we meet?: Her Royal Majesty (maybe?) Queen of Arrendelle (possibly?) Elsa....The Snow
Queen. Is she a good witch, or a bad witch? The smart money is on Elsa as the new Big Bad. But will they redeem her, or kill her? Tread lightly OUAT. This is a new franchise, and its fans are LEGION. That being said...ride that gravy train, I guess. I have many many many doubts.

When/Where did the events take place?: Oh FFS. I can't even. Time Travel. You figure it out. Fun game while watching this episode - when you see Snow White onscreen, yell out whether it is old footage, body double, or puffy Ginnifer (hint: if they're only showing her from the clavicle up, swathed in a cloak, it's Ginny.), also take a shot because it makes the watching more bearable.

Wait, What?: Did Regina get her heart back? Did Rumpel  get his brain back? Was there a really lazy - "it was inside you all along" message that I missed? I'm pretty sure the actual blood-pumping muscle and body regulating organ were actually snatched right out their body cavities. Granted there is some precedent for strolling around without your "heart" (Hi Cora!) but as everyone seems to conveniently forget (Hi Henry!) that didn't end well.

Really, OUAT?: Three seasons of arguably more drama than Snow and Charming ever dealt with and Belle and Rumpel skulk away to get married in the woods in the dead of night? By Archie? With one witness? Belle, sweetheart, do you know what a wedding is? Or how to plan one? Typically, there are guests.

Shut Up Charming: Holy Blazing Obliviousness. Charming - did you REALLY not notice a woman being BLUDGEONED INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS from 10 FREAKING FEET AWAY?? His Royal Derpiness rides again.

Shut Up Snow: Can you maybe NOT talk about how you bulshitted the trolls until you're OFF THE BRIDGE THAT THEY LIVE UNDER? I swear, Snow and Charming are like giant pandas. They're real cute and all, but it is a freaking miracle they managed to live long enough to reproduce.

Oh Henry: Nope, I'm cool with Henry in this episode. Largely because he does not feature. I hope that he is deemed royal babysitter next season and is shuttled off to hide from ice stalagmites crashing upon the Wee Baby Neal. Neal Blanchard-Nolan?

The Anachronistic World of OUAT: Charming talks about marriage as a "business transaction" and a "merger". *blinkblink*  I must have missed the part where Charming has a subscription to Forbes Magazine in the EF. Also, duh. Marriages between highborn families were never about love. They were about alliances and resources and the ability to reproduce. The idea of marrying for love is A) relatively new and B) completely revolutionary. You didn't marry because you love someone, you married because it's what you do and if you're lucky you come to love each other. But of course that doesn't square with our modern sensibilities.

Rando Thoughts:
Aurora is NOT dead. How very irrelevant convenient. I mean, what a relief. Philip and Mulan remain utterly unaccounted for, but as they are not With Child, we do not care. RIP Walsh, 3 dwarves, Philip and probably King George, I dunno.

I cannot decide if I love or hate Evil Disco Queen Regina and her Katy Perry (tm) lashes and those pleather leggings. There's a part of me that loves the way this show plays with Emma and Regina like Barbie dolls. Princess Emma, Hipster Emma, Time Traveling Emma.

Imma just say it - this show officially features too many children for all the retconning and flashbacks, and temporal pauses,  and magical michegoss the show wants to incorporate. They abandoned Hansel, Gretel, and Cinderella's baby for this reason, the Neverland arc could only last 10 episodes because they were literally racing against Jared Gilmore's  imminent onset of puberty. I feel like that's the real reason they killed off Neal, because they just couldn't keep going back to Dylan Schmid intermittently. Children grow. Whatever else they do, they grow. 

Remaining Questions: So so many. Like, so many. 

Coronation? Prince Neal? You do know that you live in AMERICA now, and we don't have royalty here, right? Except Beyonce, but that is DIFFERENT.

This is going to bug me - is Henry's last name still Mills? After the Dark Curse Redacted, wouldn't he be Henry Swan now?

We're never going to get a straight answer about that book, are we?

In two more seasons, will time travel go the route of the Dark One's Dagger and The Dark Curse? Originally something mysterious and powerful that only a few could harness, and eventually ubiquitous - everyone knows where to find it and how to use it?

Is Granny's literally the only place in town to have an event? If so, she needs to expand on that B&B business model. Or OUAT could introduce another hardworking entreupreneuress...

Now that The Snow Queen is a factor, are trolls still evil? Will there be good trolls and bad trolls? Is it only trolls that live under bridges that are evil? Perhaps the trolls are just victims of gentrification.

Even though we live in a quaint, secluded coastal New England Town - someone needs to wise all these people up to the fact that they do live in a 21st century quaint secluded coastal new england town. How does this town function? Magic. Why do I keep asking questions like - where do things like food and utilities come from? Magic. NEVER MIND GAMP'S LAWS OF ELEMENTAL TRANSFIGURATION.

What's going to happen when Belle finds out her marriage is predicated on a pretty substantial lie?
How fast do you think Belle will get pregnant?

Who did Hook trade his ship to? Can it not be Blackbeard, please?

See you in October! Until then, Hope! Belief! Faith! Love! Wisdom! Innocence! Courage! Love! Oh - I said that already. Uh...Magic! These will solve all your problems. Toodles!

Monday Recap: A Curious Thing

Who'd We Meet/Shiny Objects?: Galinda. Glinda. Either. Both?

When/Where did Events take place?: Enchanted Forest After the Redacted Dark Curse but before the reinstated Dark Curse (Lite) and Storybrooke Present-Day

Why does this Matter?: What's the deal with the book? Why'd it appear to Mary-Margaret, and not Emma with all her hitherto unsuspected magical skills? Is it because Emma can't read? Is it the magic closet? Is the box magic? Is it Something About Mary... Margaret? (I had to.)

Wait, What?: Why was the GOOD witch banished? Do people generally banish good witches? To entirely different planes of existence? Behind magical doors that lead to glittery snow? IS THIS YOUR WAY OF TELLING US WE ARE GOING TO NARNIA NEXT?

Oh Henry!: Henry...real talk. You're 12.  No, you do NOT deserve to know everything about your mother's bounty hunting, er Bail Bondspersonry. Or failing that, her Deadbeat Dad Rampage. I feel like for all the talk about how great life was in NYC for Em and Henry, that Emma was kind of a laissez-faire parent.

Shut Up Snow:  "After true love there IS no stronger magic than footwear. It HAS to be protected."
This line had SO much potential, and it was just wasted. Here's the problem. Mary Margaret is not clever or witty, and the line was delivered with complete seriousness and sincerity. On the rare occasion that Mary Margaret APPROACHES clever or witty (before they scamper away in terror) she's incredibly proud of herself that she got as close as she did and makes a big damn deal out of her rapier wit. If whoever wanted this line delivered wanted it done 'dry', there was No Good Way to have daffy Mary Margaret do it. I know Regina can't have ALL the snark, and I know it's technically Mary Margaret's closet that we're rifling through - but couldn't we have given this line to Emma?

Really, OUAT?: I was kind of hoping that Regina's abrupt dash to make out in the woods with Robin was a Hail Mary to summon her heart back. You know, True Love's Kiss and all? But no, apparently she just wanted to go from having chitchat with Mary Margaret to making out in the woods in the middle of the night - imminent threat of flying monkeys be damned.

Ok, so an indeterminate amount of time has passed, somehow with all that is going on Robin and Regina found time for a wardrobe change and to put a label on their relationship and to make out in Very Public Hallways, and Mary Margaret remains (surprise!) oblivious. Are they not telling people that they're seeing each other? If not, they may want to cut down on the hallway makeouts.

Rando Thoughts/Remaining Questions:
Can Zelena stop talking like just wants to get it on with everyone? It's getting tedious and icky. She's not just Auntie Zelena, she's Creepy/Funny Auntie Zelena, the one everyone keeps their eye on, and the kids away from at family gatherings.

"You've gathered the entire kingdom for this?" PS: The entire kingdom are the six people in that room, cause Belle just rolls on in all cloaked -  No guards. No bannermen. No staff. Enchanted Forest press conferences are very boring.

I still want to know why the heck Lady Z needed Regina's blood.

I count seven clearly vaporized flying monkeys. So RIP Philip, Aurora, Little John, Walsh and 3 missing dwarves?  So...are Philip and Aurora dead now? Cause that's a bummer and all (not really) but real talk, this show doesn't need TWO new babies screwing up the timeline. Shouldn't Merry Mulan be rending her hair and garments?

If Zelena's got ALL this power, why does she have like zero finesse? If you can travel via puff-of-smoke, why the broomstick? (I suppose one could ask MGM's WWotW the same question.) Why even TELL Hook that his lips were cursed? Just curse 'em and wait. I mean, why even bother telling people she was going to mess with the revised Dark Curse? Zelena's weakness isn't light magic, it's exposition.

"I went to Blue...Tink...all the fairies." Really Grumpy?You went to ALL the fairies? INCLUDING THE ONE THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH? The one you sent away in Old Yeller fashion? The one you went to jail for and watched one of your brothers die for trying to bust your ass out of the royal hoosegow? Why do I feel like he may not have consulted Nova?

 "Use mine for the both of us." Well first, D'aw. That line was really cute coming from Robin. But the Charming-Snows with their literal interpretations... the good news is that patient load at Storybrooke General is about to get a LOT lighter! When you consider that the only place to get food in the whole TOWN is at Granny's, and all they seem to serve is burgers - there's probably a transplant donor need list a mile long. Never fear, in Storybrooke, hearts are like kidneys! You only need half of what you were born with to survive. But your donor needs to be your Troo Luv. Sorry dwarves and fairies!

Remember when the dark curse was a big dang deal? And when it required a whole lot of villainy and magic and heavy lifting? Yeah, me neither. Is this new curse like Dark Curse Lite - all of the realm jumpery with none of that pesky separation and time-loop trappiness?

Snow's got a pure heart again? When did that happen? Or did the magical standalone door know that Charming going through it alone would be like sending a golden retriever through the door? Pure hearts are grand and all, but having a few brain cells to rub together is helpful. Thank heaven for Snow White! Snow you're so clever! You remembered the "riddle" we heard twenty seconds ago about a door, and connected it to the RANDO GODDAMN DOOR in the middle of the freaking woods. *slow clap* I kind of love that Charming only remembers that people exist when he can see them. There are clearly only THREE people who can cast the Dark Curse and they are all in the woods RIGHT NOW. Find someone else to do it. You're the freaking King and Queen, no? Offer a reward. Promise fame and glory and titles and nobility and land ownership. If all else fails, you've got all those leftover Lost Boys that no one is using.

It needs to be winter ALL THE TIME because the only way we can "disguise" Her Royal Baby Bump is with lots of wardrobe.

We've all got our memories back! Huzzah! So is Pinocchio a kid still, or...what?

Monday Recap: The Jolly Roger

Who did we meet?: A dime store Jack Sparrow/Russell Brand knockoff-  oh wait, it's Blackbeard. Apparently we are returning to the S2 tactic of introducing new characters and immediately killing them off. And we're using characters from actual historical canon now, instead of fairytales and myth. Cool. (Maybe they meant to say Bluebeard?)

Object du Jour: The floating cloak, I guess? I was really hoping that Eric would be a merman. Dang.

When/Where did the events take place?: 1 year (9 months?) ago in the EF/Present Day Storybrooke - where David and Mary Margaret have lost their DAMN MINDS.

Why does this matter?: TBD

Wait, what?: BYE ARIEL. Hope you and Eric don't drive each other crazy on your deserted island. Actually, wait. No. I'll wish you something better. I hope that you and Eric don't get an ill-fated spinoff - OUAT: Hangman's Island.

Oh Henry!: ...did this episode really need a "C" plot line? CAN WE REALLY NOT JUST SEND HIM TO SCHOOL? IT IS CLEARLY STILL WINTERTIME IN STORYBROOKE. Henry's Hit-And-Run...it's like an afterschool special with no moral. Wasn't S2 David trying to teach Henry to ride a horse? Didn't Mary Margaret suggest a trip to the library a few eps back? Why are these no longer viable ways to entertain/supervise/distractify this kid? Is it still a good idea to have David be acting sheriff? IS he still the acting sheriff? How does this town function!?!?

Shut up Charmings: No, I have TOTAL faith that you guys will make awesome parents. Trying to be cool for your grandson is just proof of your epic parenting skills. JUST FOCUS AND BUILD THE GODDAMN CRIB SHE IS ABOUT TO FREAKING POP. Call Gepetto if Ikea baby furniture is beyond you - remember him?? Or failing that, BUY A HOUSE. You have three generations living in what I can only assume is an attic studio apt - that you are paying rent on...how, exactly?

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions: Thanks for addressing Wormtail Smee's LONG disappearance as a rat, I guess? And by "adressing" I mean just acknowledging he was a rat when last we saw him, making a cheese joke, and saying that he's back now Because Magic.

Useful tip that pirates operate on the same principal as parakeets - drop a sheet over them and they think it's nighttime and go to sleep.

Zelena wants Emma out of the way because Emma some-crazy-how has the power to defeat her because she's superpowerful - even though she has no knowledge of, training in, or discipline using magic - , so that Zelena can steal Regina's heart, so she can go back in time to make Regina never be born, so that Zelena will be Cora's only daughter and so that Rumpel HAS to use Zelena to cast the Dark Curse...is that about right?

Why aren't we enlisting The Blue Fairy's help in training Emma? Or failing that, Tinkerbell?  Regina isn't the only magic game in town. And we know she's not the strongest game in town - she never was. She was just selfish/reckless/persistent enough to be notorious.

Who IS Zelena's biological father? Is this a dumb question? It doesn't appear to be Rumpel, though he's the obvious choice.

Does Ariel still have that bracelet, or does she just flip flop back and forth as she pleases now? I'm also a little bit bugged by an Ariel that's bitching about life on land, and is ONLY interested in being Eric's main squeeze. This is a pet peeve I have with people who short-change Ariel in general - "She gave up her VOICE for a guy!" Well...no. In the movie, Ariel is ALWAYS interested in the human world beyond her own. She's an adventurer, and an explorer. And she's a 16 year old mer-girl. Would all the people who are or have ever been 16 year old girls - mer or otherwise - who did not do something markedly stupid for someone they found themselves attracted to please stand up? She gave up her voice to piss off her FATHER, and getting next to Eric was a bonus. Again, any past or present teenagers who did not do something self-damaging and dumb in a misguided attempt to buck parental authority please, make yourselves known. Saying Ariel gave up her voice just for a guy is unfair and reductionist.

Why would Hook name Emma as his "lost love" when they're both in Storybrooke, Neal is dead, Emma is asking Hook to 'babysit' on the reg, and he's (passive) aggressively pursuing her? Hook, that's not lost, that's unrequited.

If Regina is never born...what does Cora do? Does she lie to King Henry, and tell him that Zelena is his child? Does she own up, and ask Henry to raise Zelena as their own? Or does she go down the same path and give Zelena up anyway? Or does Zelena assume all aspects of what would have been Regina's life? Woule Zelena become Snow White's stepmother? Cora wants her daughter to be queen - does she still off Queen Eva so that Zelena can marry Leopold? In this alternate timeline, does Cora LET Rumpel anywhere near Zelena? She does have the ultimate trump card - no better way to keep your teenage daughter away from an unsuitable suitor by telling him he was your lover first. Squick.  Sort of gives new meaning to the words "family show". But I digress. That's putting the cart before the horse. Zel hasn't done anything YET.

If Rumpel is WATCHING Zelena craft a time-travel spell, can't he just use that magic to get Bae back again?

If When Hook kisses Emma with his now cursed lips she loses her power. (O! To be so cursed!/Would that I were so threatn'd!) But doesn't Emma WANT to go back to NYC? Isn't there a possibility that she'd be willing to give up her magical abilities in order to "protect" Henry, and return to their previous life? If Zel gave Emma that choice - give me your powers, and you and your son can walk away from all of this - I'm not wholly convinced that Emma wouldn't at LEAST consider it.

Crackpot Theories: I've got nothing - truly. I don't even know what questions to ask anymore. It'd be one thing if OUAT were dropping hints for us to follow, but they've done that so many times now just to ignore or negate it further down the line, that trying to figure things out isn't fun anymore.
To wit:

• When we first meet Grumpy he says he is in jail because he tried to win his love with a stolen gem.
• Golden Compass...?
• The seer says 'the boy' - ostensibly Henry - will be Rumpel's undoing.
• Magic Beans...?
• In the pilot Snow says that Regina cursed her because Regina thought Snow was prettier. She knows darn good and well this is not the case.
• The Dark One is immortal...unless he his poisoned, in which case he can totally be killed and his name disappears from the dagger. Because "Immortal means to live forever, it doesn't mean one can't be killed."
• Ogre Wars...?
• "Charming" was Snow's sardonic nickname for Prince James David. Now it is his surname.
• "Mirror magic" apparently does not require a magic mirror. Just...magic and a regular mirror. BYE SIDNEY.
• Literally anything involving Owen/Greg and Tamara - though I'm glad they dropped this one.

Wonderland Requiem

It looks like Will Scarlett will be (re)joining the Merry Men and the OUAT: Original Recipe crew now that Wonderland has mercifully gotten the axe.

Do these mushrooms make my ears look smaller?

Slight spoilers if you are watching/care to watch OUAT: Wonderland

I watched OUAT: Wonderland sporadically and never wrote about it here, but what little I saw I was decidedly unimpressed. I thought it had a weak start, hamfisted characterizations, and predictable plot lines. It seemed like they got marginally stronger by their midseason reboot, and the Jabberwocky was an interesting villain, but none of the characters ever seemed to develop beyond first blush. We got some backstory as to why they were the way they were - but so what? A character can't be ALL reveal. There has to be something to the journey. OUAT: Wonderland ended super predictably, with no one changing* or growing. The strongest episode (translation: the one I actually sat through) was the one with Barbara Hershey.

(*Yes technically Amara changed from a staff back into a woman. I don't feel like this counts.)

Here's the problem with adding Will into the OUAT mix - this isn't going to work w/o some time travel, or stasis or something. Alice's "story" whatever else it does - takes place in and around Victorian England. And OUAT is decidedly, if non specifically, present day. So they're going to have some 'splainin to do when Will strolls into our Quaint New England Town. Or not. Whatever.

Other places OUAT should visit now that we've checked off the obvious crossovers of Wonderland, Neverland and Oz (oh my!) and we should just go full Passions at this point.

• Island of Misfit Toys
• "Outer Space" - it worked for Josie and The Pussycats!
• Thra
• Sunnydale
• Duckburg. Or St. Canard. I'm fine with either.
• Hooterville
• Twin Peaks
• Whatever world Captain EO takes place on.
• Pangaea. As long as we're time traveling, I want some damn dinosaurs.
• Westeros 

Or, failing that, let's just do a 'Honey I Shrunk Storybrooke' storyline. That's a franchise that needs a reboot.

It's Not Easy Being Green OR The Babe With The SPOILERS

You remind me of the babe.

What babe?

The babe with the power...

Who did we meet: We didn't technically meet* anyone new (Nice to see you again Tink, Blue, Walsh) but were there a lot of Storybrooke randos in this episode? There was one Rider Strong wannabe just lurking about at Neal's funeral and then followed our mournful little gang to Granny's along with an inexplicable elderly couple. I like to think the gangly youth was a former lost boy (REMEMBER WE BROUGHT THEM ALL BACK WITH US FROM NEVERLAND AND PROMISED TO FIND THEM FAMILIES?? Way to abandon a bunch of kids with existing abandonment issues Emma. Good looking out.) who joined up with the Merry Men. Can't explain the septuagenarians. Any suggestions?

*Zelena's unnamed adoptive parents. I feel like you need a name to "meet" a character.

When/Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest - Pre-Dark Curse, Post Rumple's Aquisition of Dark Powers. Storybrooke Present Day. Oz...mumblemumble years ago. How old IS Regina? She has to be older than Snow White, because up until the Dark Curse was cast, they were aging at the same rate. So...38? 40? 42?  Which would make Zelena...a year older? Two? There is clearly some bomb-ass moisturizer happening in the EF. Enchanted Botox? Magic!

What did we learn?: Zelena IS indeed Regina's older sister. Unless "The Wizard" was lying.

Why is this important?: Was Walsh-the-Wizard (Seriously dude, first name or last name? Both?) trying to get Zelena to take out...Cora? Regina? Rumpel?...or just to steal their stuff? Cause he's packing some not insubstantial magic of his own with the enchanted floor tiles and the magical shoes. What's his reasoning for telling Zelena about her past - whether it's the truth or a lie?

Wait, what?: Is he The Wizard of Oz, as in - the LAND is named OZ - or is he Oz the Great and Terrible/Powerful? Both? Someone needs to settle this for me.

Oh Henry!: Cool Teen Henry man. I am SO ON BOARD. It's like even REGINA'S given up on parenting at this point. He's like a chia pet. Give him some Mountain Dew  Hot Cocoa w/Cinnamon every three days or so, and leave him by a window with partial light. He will be fine, and TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the rampant odd shenanigans going on in this town.  "Oh mom, you're letting me go down to the docks with the scruffy, one-handed, strangely-accented man who hangs around you constantly and never changes his clothes? Cool." #parentingwin

Shut Up Charming-and/or-Snow: Hey Derp-for-brains. Was it smart to bring your extremely preggo wife/self to a magical beatdown? Couldn't you both have just stayed the eff home? They have Netflix in Storybrooke, right?

Really OUAT?: TIME TRAVEL? We're doing this? For realsies? Welp, buckle your retconning seatbelts everyone, because this is going to shake the shit out all your colons.

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions:
It's nice that Hook's everyday leather is funeral appropriate.

Has Zelena kind of tipped her hand? They know what she's after. She's not going to be able to get near Snow's bun-filled oven, and Regina has hidden her heart. As long as Zels has the dagger, does it even matter? She's basically strolling around a quaint New England town with the magical equivalent of a nuclear warhead.

Aw, Regina gave Robin Hood her heart. Also, ick. I understand you are characters from literature, but don't be so danged literal Regina! Does basic biology not have a place in Storybrooke? Obviously not, because magic>science. Sorry Dr. Frankenstein! Also, I was wrong about the heart! She went for Regina's! Because apparently you need brains, heart, and courage for time travel. #DoctorWhoCrossover

Again, I thought this dagger was supposed to be a big old honking secret. Didn't S1 Rumpel straight up murder his mute servant because she maybe might have overheard Rumpel discussing it with Bae? Now it's just common effing knowledge, because Zelena - who grew up in an entirely different REALM - knew about it's existence, how to get it, and how to use it.

WTF is going on in the EF that Rumpel is such a damn catch? Cora. Zelena. Belle. The man is up to his scaly hairline in willing tail! Is power THAT big of an aphrodisiac? Even if it is, the whole place is lousy with princes and kings of unspecified lands. You'd think King George would have taken a second wife if power were that big a thrill, and gone about producing an heir the old fashioned way instead of buying babies on the black market.

I really hope Dr. Whale is working on a flying monkey antidote, and not just chasing after fairy-nuns in Tex Avery fashion. The Dwarves seem HIGHLY unconcerned about their missing bretheren. They are still missing, right?

If Zelena turned the erstwhile Wizard into a flying monkey, then how does the Dorothy Gale story play out? Does Zels turn Walsh human when she needs him to...oh god, just remembered Regina's relationship with Graham and got severely icked out with what ELSE Zelena might be using Walsh for. #prehensiletailpossibilities

Regina slapped Zelena hard enough to draw blood, but NOT hard enough to knock her hat off or even a little bit askew. Magic! Or bobby pins? Only her monkey stylist knows for sure, and he's not telling.

Where's Glinda? Cause we've totes seen this here-are-some-boss-shoes-now-go-take-out-my-competition gambit before.

Why were Zelena's parents on the road to the Emerald City?

Man, I wish that the Wizard had been Jefferson making a bid for power.

This was actually a nice subtle re-frame of Regina, and arguably Cora,  as being born inherently magical, rather than as an adept student of magic. Up until now, Emma was the only human that we knew was born with some innate magic.

Crackpot Theories:
Can the Blue Fairy just reveal her evil puppetmaster plan already? Damn. I've been beating this drum for nearly three seasons, and my arms are getting tired.

It's gonna get bad,

Yeah,it's gonna get worse...

Monday Recap: Quiet Minds OR Pruning the Family Tree.

I never did a Monday Recap on the episode Witch Hunt, which was the second ep of the WWoTW story arc. I took a bunch of notes, but nothing really came together and it was a hectic week and blah blah excuses. I went back and watched it a few times, went over my notes some more, and just couldn't glean (or produce) anything useful, and until this week I thought 'ho hum, filler episode'.

But there are some little clues thrown into Witch Hunt which are starting to make more sense, which I will get to in a bit.

Who did we meet?: Lumiere, who is not so much a 'who' as a plot device. This show might need to change it's name to Shiny Objects, because we're introduced to a new one every freaking week. Why is this the first we're hearing of the Dark Vault? How did Zelena get the dagger?  Why, if Rumpel IS dead, is his name still on it? And why in death, since he DID apparently die, didn't Rumpel's dark powers just revert to the vault leaving him mortal and dead? Whatever - Robert Carlyle, never leave us again, ok?

When and Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest within the past year (give or take) Storybrooke present day. We have zero frame of reference for the EF timeline beyond 'one year ago'. But we can infer that Belle and Neal are off searching for the Dark One at about the same time as Snow, Charming, Regina, Robin And The Rest are trying to invade the castle which is blocked off by Zelena's trademark green protection spell. And while Hook is off searching for his ship and not at all concerned about finding his freaking first mate who is possibly still a rat. People in the Enchanted Forest are bad at relationships. Granted all this repeated memory loss can't be good for anyone's amygdala.

What did we learn?: Apparently Neal sent the msg to Hook to find Emma. There's some precedent for that, I guess. Here's the weird thing. Hook has more memories than anyone else seems to. Everyone else in Storybrooke remembers Regina casting the spell, and then nothing. They have NO memories of the Enchanted Forest. Hook remembers going back, meeting Philip and Aurora, and then going off on his own to find his ship. But the question is, if Neal had been subsumed by Rumpel - how and when did he manage to get a message and a potion to Hook? And if Zelena did cast the new curse - how did Hook get back with memories intact? The upcoming episode - Jolly Roger - is going to be very interesting.

Wait, What?: Did Zelena call that flying monkey 'beautiful one' or 'dutiful one'? According to the semi-reliable captions, it's beautiful, but...that's an odd name for a minion, right?

Why is this important?: Zelena is the Wicked Witch of the West and Emma is still The Savior. Glad we got that settled.

Oh Henry!: He HAS gotten better. Or maybe I just appreciate his disdain for not-New York Bagels. Or I'm okay with this OUAT: CSI step-aside-and-let-the-grownups-handle-this format. Pick one. I'm fine with any of these options.

He's not only merely dead,
He's really most sincerely dead.
Or maybe not, because magic!

Really OUAT?: Opening the Dark Vault meant Neal was cursed, right? Emma, we're not going to give True Love's Kiss the old Snow-Charming try? Granted, True Love's Kiss RARELY lives up to it's own hype, but still. For the sake of family honor, give it a go. No? Ok, dead baby daddy then.


Rando Thoughts/Crackpot Theories:
Zelena wants what she doesn't have.You guys. She's making herself a family. She needs a heart, a brain and some courage/nerve for her ideal partner, and she's got a baby already baking. One of the first things she says in Witch Hunt as she's rifling through Regina's jewelry is that it could feed a family for a year. It might just be an offhand, throwaway comment, but somehow I doubt it.

She's got courage* and a brain - both taken from men, and I'd be willing to bet the heart will be taken from a man too. We'll see if she's goes after Hook's. Other candidates still include:

• Emma. It's worth remembering that when Cora tried to snatch her heart, she was unable to do so.
• Henry. Heart of the truest believer? Would DEVASTATE Regina. But he's also got that spell cast on him that makes his heart "unstealable".
• Unknown Baby. Pure heart, uncorrupted maybe?
• Snow. We know her heart was corrupted at one point.
• Regina. Also probably in possession of a corrupted heart.
• Robin. I'm going to include him because of my theory that Zelena's going to hold to her pattern of targeting men. He may emerge as newly vulnerable, True Love, etc etc.
• Sidney Glass, Anton, King George. Because if she wants to fly her broomstick under the radar, literally no one will notice they are and have been missing for ages.

Wanting a family makes some sense, if her story about being Cora's firstborn is true. All we know is that she had a less than ideal upbringing in Oz, and we can assume that Cora had absolutely NO hand in raising her. In fact, she quite specifically mentions her father and his desire to keep up appearances despite his shaking hands. This begs the question of who her father might be, and what the story is around her formative years. I'm still not sure I buy the half-sister thing though. We SAW her take Regina's blood, and then the blood lock on the vault was open. In the following episode we saw her take Rumpel's blood and use it to open the blood lock on the safe in the pawn shop. If she is Cora's elder daughter and she used her own blood to open the vault, then what did she need Regina's blood for?

We've seen Regina and her pixie-dust-appointed-lover Robin Hood meet twice now. They're undeniably showing some chemistry, but I think that says more about the actors than it does about the writing and the pairing making any kind of sense. The important thing about the characterization is that Robin acknowledges that Regina is formidable, and doesn't back down from it, or feel the need to stand up to it. He just kind of lets her be and enjoys the view. I have to wonder where Tinkerbell and ALL the fairies are. (Shady Bitch.) I still miss Nova. I want her and Grumpy to get their boat and sail around the world. Why should Snow and Charming get the only happy ending?

Fun fact that I actually heard from a friend who is "expecting", OJ really does perk up some fetuses in utero! Sonogram techs actually recommend that expecting moms drink orange juice or lemonade before getting sonograms doene. So maybe Zelena IS actually a midwife. Or maybe she knows how to use Google. BURN HER!!!

*Perhaps not coincidentally, Charming's courage is represented by his "sword". #phallicsymbolism

Monday Recap: The Tower

Who did we meet?: Rapunzel. Framing device for the latest magical widget. Is the reference to her dead older brother a clever semi-reference to Sondheim's Into the Woods or another deceased character of color?  Both?

Humor Credit: Lily Sparks

 





What did we learn?: We know what Zelena is after, and it's not (just) the Charming-Snow baby. We saw her go after David's "courage". Which means she's quite probably going after a brain and heart as well - unless she's already got them. I quite literally had a light bulb moment watching tonight's episode when I realized that Rumpel really is the only character in town with any brains. So that just leaves the heart.

Possible candidates for heartsnatching include:

• Henry. Is the heart of the truest believer still true if his memory is wiped?
• Snow. Does her heart still have that 'out out damned spot'?
• Emma. Because...she's ostensibly the protagonist?
• Regina. Because...magical powers? If Zelena gets Henry, does she have Regina's (and/or Emma's) "heart"?
• Hook. This is the one that's most interesting to me. I'll come back to this.

Where and When do the events take place?: The EF between a year or 9 months or so ago. Storybrook present day

Why is this important? This is important: Where. Is. Neal? 1. He seems to be the only unaccounted for party that the Storybrookians are concerned about, 2. Zelena talks to Rumpel about trying to get her hands on what he spent a lifetime seeking? Spent a lifetime seeking, and was never able to find - courage. Rumpel is a self-identified coward. 3. Zelena's got the Dark Dagger which presumably gives her control over Rumpel - last we HEARD about that knife, Belle and Neal were going to find it in the EF. The last we SAW of it, Rumpel was using it to kill (?) Peter Pan.

Wait, what?: Didn't Hook say that Charming and Snow were in trouble? Is he going to follow up on that, or...what? They don't actually seem to be in any more danger than anyone else/any more than usual.

Oh Henry!: Totally still down with Teen Henry. He sleeps, he eats, he plays video games and we dump him at Granny's.

Really OUAT?: We're really going to go after the latest Magical Big Bad without even looking for any of the faries or Rumpelstiltskin? Why is Belle so resigned to Rumpel being dead? Perhaps most importantly - WHO IS RUNNING THE LIBRARY?

Shut Up Charming: I'm actually glad they gave His Royal Derpiness something to do in this episode, but that first scene with Emma was creepy and awkward as HELL.  Her dress was cool though. It sort of made up for the fact that she was wearing Eric's white cable knit sweater the rest of the episode.

Shut Up Snow: I know you're supposed to be innocent and trusting and all but would it kill you to ask for references for the a-little-bit-too-damn-convenient midwife who showed up at your door?  I mean, she was a midwife for more than just the past year that no one can remember, right?

Rando Thoughts/Crackpot Theories:

I think Zelena's got Hook's heart and is using it to control him a la Cora.

I don't think Zelena is actually Regina's half-sister. This week we saw her snatch blood from Rumpel and use it to open the safe. We know she snatched blood from Regina as well, via the flying monkey, which she may have used to open Regina's secret passage to Cora's mausoleum/vault

I think Zelena's end game includes Neal (where else did he go in his bean-jumping-realm travels??) but I don't know why. This  might explain why she sent a monkey after Emma. Did Neal cast a (modified) Dark Curse to bring everyone back to Storybrooke, hoping to wipe memories to escape Zelena and simultaneously get himself back to Emma and Henry?

Or maybe Zelena dangled the potential of Emma in front of Hook to get him to work with/for her and take out Neal?

What's the purpose of  doing the "sisters" reveal, and then wiping Regina's memory? When Regina cast the Dark Curse it wiped everyone's memories except for her, and separated them from their happiness. What's the point of having everyone's memories erased this time around?

OH SHIT YOU GUYS.

OUAT might have actually done something clever this time.

Remember that time in New York City Serenade Hook said he had a life to get back to? "A Pirate's Life". That probably made most people think of this (lyrics start at 2:30):

But remember - we're talking about Captain Hook. He's not a Pirate of the Carribean. He's got roots in Neverland. And in Disney's Neverland, the pirates sing THIS:

Ohh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life
A-rovin over the sea
Give me a career as a buccaneer
It's the life of a pirate for me
Ohh, the life of a pirate for me

Ohh, A pirate's life is a wonderful life
They never bury your bones
For when it's all over
A jolly sea rover drops in on his friend Davy Jones
Ohh, his very good friend Davy Jones.

Ohh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life
You'll find adventure and sport
But live every minute
For all that is in it
The life of a pirate is short...

Monday Recap: New York City Serenade OR Touched by A Primate

 Diving right in. It's been three gosh-darn months. Spoilers ahead.

Zeleeeeeena. Zelena. Zzzzzelena.
Nope, I'm just going to call you Adele Dazeem.

Who did we meet?: Walsh. So, there's that. (Is that supposed to be his first name, or his last name, or what?) And new and puberty improved Teen Henry! Now almost entirely self-parenting! And that green chick who is neither Theodora or Elphaba. NEW ORIGIN STORIES FTW!! Apparently her name is "Zelena".

When and Where did the events take place: Who the eff even knows. Now. A year ago. The Enchanted Forest, New York, and back in Dear Old Storybrooke where there's a curse in effect that traps everyone and wipes them of a year of their lives.

Why is this important?: The 8 months of simian surveillance?

Wait, What?: They're cursed BACK to Storybrooke, but they don't know how, or by whom, or why, or what the affects are other than that Snow's now knocked up (gross) and that they've lost a year.

Really, OUAT?: Really? You're going to do this? You're going to bring up Emma's unreliable "superpower" which doesn't work when her uterus emotions get in the way of it being AT ALL USEFUL? Unless you're going to turn Emma into a cyborg (Next reboot) she's clearly going to continue having a metric fuckton of emotional issues, so can we stop referencing this PLEASE?

Oh Henry!: The Confunded Heart of The Truest Believer. Now HE'S the one that needs to be sold on magic? Oh geez. Where's that book?

Shut Up Snow: "He's kind of cute, isn't he?" Are we ABSOLUTELY SURE that Snow's heart didn't shrivel down into a charcoal briquette? I know that 'Dark Snow' storyline sort of petered out, but did anyone, y'know, check? How are you immediately going from being separated from your daughter again to  - que sera sera, but OMG BOYS!

Shut Up Charming:  Hey, Mr. "I Will Always Find You". Could you maybe NOT piss on Neal's parade to find Emma and Henry? Thanks.

Crackpot Theories: Hook's gonna die. I really really really hope I'm wrong on this one, but this show kills off two types - ethnic minorities and male eye candy. So unless Hook undergoes a sex change (OR BECOMES A PREADOLESCENT PUPPET) or gets un-hot somehow, pretty sure he's not making it out of this season alive. It's early yet - which is what makes the theory pretty crackpot, but when Emma tells Walsh that she can't marry him because a "ghost" from her past has returned...it's sort of an odd, awkward choice of words. Which makes me think that this is OUAT attempting to be forshadowy and clever. Also, if he is going to die, I forgive him that "A pirate's life" line.*

About the current...curse, I guess? Still too early to tell. According to David, we know that everyone is back in Storybrooke, with memories of who they are intact, but no memory of the past year. Hook swears that Charming and Snow are in danger, but they seem fine. A couple of theories spring to mind.

• The Wicked Witch re-cursed everyone to get to Emma because...Revenge? (OMG THE WICKED WITCH IS EMILY THORNE! IT ALL MAKES SENSE.) We can guess that she's the one who sent the flying guest star monkey after her in NYC. Which means she has some idea who Emma is. Or the monkey could be a red herring. Something about all of this suggests "trap", but for who and to what end?

• Neal cast the curse to get back to Emma and Henry. He *says* he doesn't want to, but it kind of seems like he will cast the curse, if it comes to that. He and Belle are going looking for that dagger because Scooby Doo and the Clue Crew don't know what to do if there isn't a magic maguffin to chase after. (Sidebar: Does Belle not seem all that upset about Rumpel's disappearance/death?) I assume looking for the dagger and by extention, Rumpelstiltskin, means that Neal is going to go looking for some serious magic. What we've seen of the curse so far also seems pretty benign. If Neal did have to reinstate the Dark Curse to get him back to A Land w/o Magic, having people lose a year's worth of memories seems like a small price to pay.

• The Blue Fairy or Rumpel cast the curse. Without knowing where they are or what they're up to, this is a hard one to back up. They're both powerful enough, and they have the know-how.

And back to what makes this show fun - the mysteries! Who is the Wicked Witch, and what's with the oblique references to revenge...against Regina? And why go after Emma? Again, unless Walsh is meant to throw us (or someone else) off the trail.

Random Thoughts: Did EVERYONE get red highlights in their hair? Was that the price of magic? Regina, Aurora, Belle...please god, let this mean that when we see Mulan, she has Rufio's hair. Also, Ariel's going to be PISSED.

There's a memory potion now, because of course there is.

Do Aurora and Philip just live in a...field? That seems like an unsafe place for a breeding woman.

How did the NYPD not lock Hook in a mental institution?

Robin, do you NOT know who's in that protected castle?!? What do you DO in the woods, exactly? OR IS THIS A SET UP?

Talk about Fairy Tales - No man in NYC (on earth) proposes marriage to a woman in her 30's after 8 months of dating.  Even Aiden Shaw waited over a year - and that was AIDEN "GODDAMN IT WOMAN MY BABYMAKER CLOCK IS TICKING" SHAW.

Enchanted Forest Roll Call: Snow, Charming, Regina, Neal/Baelfire, Ruby, Granny, Belle, Hook, Jiminy "I'm an actual bug again" Cricket, The 7D (I'm going to assume all seven are accounted for, even though I didn't actually count) and all their stuff. The "50" that vaguely materialize somewhere offscren must include AT LEAST:
- Ariel and Eric
- Gepetto and Pinocchio
- Ashley/Cinderella? ...et al?
- Maleficent...?
-Tinkerbell.
-All the Fairy-nuns? (Nova where are you, we miss you.)
-The Darlings...? (Wow, how much would THAT suck??)
-Pongo.
- Smee (who is possibly still a rat?)
-The denizens of The White Rabbit bar.
-The nice old library man from S1.
-Sidney Glass/Nurse Ratchet/The guy with the mop in the mental institution...?
- Dr. Whale...?
- King George...?
-Anton/Tiny?

Rumpelstiltskin and Peter Pan are very much NOT accounted for, which is to be expected to a certain degree so that they can do a big ol' ratings grab when Robert Carlyle returns, and that's fine - but I'm a little bit more concerned about where Rumpel's magical stockpile went.