It's Not Easy Being Green OR The Babe With The SPOILERS

You remind me of the babe.

What babe?

The babe with the power...

Who did we meet: We didn't technically meet* anyone new (Nice to see you again Tink, Blue, Walsh) but were there a lot of Storybrooke randos in this episode? There was one Rider Strong wannabe just lurking about at Neal's funeral and then followed our mournful little gang to Granny's along with an inexplicable elderly couple. I like to think the gangly youth was a former lost boy (REMEMBER WE BROUGHT THEM ALL BACK WITH US FROM NEVERLAND AND PROMISED TO FIND THEM FAMILIES?? Way to abandon a bunch of kids with existing abandonment issues Emma. Good looking out.) who joined up with the Merry Men. Can't explain the septuagenarians. Any suggestions?

*Zelena's unnamed adoptive parents. I feel like you need a name to "meet" a character.

When/Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest - Pre-Dark Curse, Post Rumple's Aquisition of Dark Powers. Storybrooke Present Day. Oz...mumblemumble years ago. How old IS Regina? She has to be older than Snow White, because up until the Dark Curse was cast, they were aging at the same rate. So...38? 40? 42?  Which would make Zelena...a year older? Two? There is clearly some bomb-ass moisturizer happening in the EF. Enchanted Botox? Magic!

What did we learn?: Zelena IS indeed Regina's older sister. Unless "The Wizard" was lying.

Why is this important?: Was Walsh-the-Wizard (Seriously dude, first name or last name? Both?) trying to get Zelena to take out...Cora? Regina? Rumpel?...or just to steal their stuff? Cause he's packing some not insubstantial magic of his own with the enchanted floor tiles and the magical shoes. What's his reasoning for telling Zelena about her past - whether it's the truth or a lie?

Wait, what?: Is he The Wizard of Oz, as in - the LAND is named OZ - or is he Oz the Great and Terrible/Powerful? Both? Someone needs to settle this for me.

Oh Henry!: Cool Teen Henry man. I am SO ON BOARD. It's like even REGINA'S given up on parenting at this point. He's like a chia pet. Give him some Mountain Dew  Hot Cocoa w/Cinnamon every three days or so, and leave him by a window with partial light. He will be fine, and TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the rampant odd shenanigans going on in this town.  "Oh mom, you're letting me go down to the docks with the scruffy, one-handed, strangely-accented man who hangs around you constantly and never changes his clothes? Cool." #parentingwin

Shut Up Charming-and/or-Snow: Hey Derp-for-brains. Was it smart to bring your extremely preggo wife/self to a magical beatdown? Couldn't you both have just stayed the eff home? They have Netflix in Storybrooke, right?

Really OUAT?: TIME TRAVEL? We're doing this? For realsies? Welp, buckle your retconning seatbelts everyone, because this is going to shake the shit out all your colons.

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions:
It's nice that Hook's everyday leather is funeral appropriate.

Has Zelena kind of tipped her hand? They know what she's after. She's not going to be able to get near Snow's bun-filled oven, and Regina has hidden her heart. As long as Zels has the dagger, does it even matter? She's basically strolling around a quaint New England town with the magical equivalent of a nuclear warhead.

Aw, Regina gave Robin Hood her heart. Also, ick. I understand you are characters from literature, but don't be so danged literal Regina! Does basic biology not have a place in Storybrooke? Obviously not, because magic>science. Sorry Dr. Frankenstein! Also, I was wrong about the heart! She went for Regina's! Because apparently you need brains, heart, and courage for time travel. #DoctorWhoCrossover

Again, I thought this dagger was supposed to be a big old honking secret. Didn't S1 Rumpel straight up murder his mute servant because she maybe might have overheard Rumpel discussing it with Bae? Now it's just common effing knowledge, because Zelena - who grew up in an entirely different REALM - knew about it's existence, how to get it, and how to use it.

WTF is going on in the EF that Rumpel is such a damn catch? Cora. Zelena. Belle. The man is up to his scaly hairline in willing tail! Is power THAT big of an aphrodisiac? Even if it is, the whole place is lousy with princes and kings of unspecified lands. You'd think King George would have taken a second wife if power were that big a thrill, and gone about producing an heir the old fashioned way instead of buying babies on the black market.

I really hope Dr. Whale is working on a flying monkey antidote, and not just chasing after fairy-nuns in Tex Avery fashion. The Dwarves seem HIGHLY unconcerned about their missing bretheren. They are still missing, right?

If Zelena turned the erstwhile Wizard into a flying monkey, then how does the Dorothy Gale story play out? Does Zels turn Walsh human when she needs him to...oh god, just remembered Regina's relationship with Graham and got severely icked out with what ELSE Zelena might be using Walsh for. #prehensiletailpossibilities

Regina slapped Zelena hard enough to draw blood, but NOT hard enough to knock her hat off or even a little bit askew. Magic! Or bobby pins? Only her monkey stylist knows for sure, and he's not telling.

Where's Glinda? Cause we've totes seen this here-are-some-boss-shoes-now-go-take-out-my-competition gambit before.

Why were Zelena's parents on the road to the Emerald City?

Man, I wish that the Wizard had been Jefferson making a bid for power.

This was actually a nice subtle re-frame of Regina, and arguably Cora,  as being born inherently magical, rather than as an adept student of magic. Up until now, Emma was the only human that we knew was born with some innate magic.

Crackpot Theories:
Can the Blue Fairy just reveal her evil puppetmaster plan already? Damn. I've been beating this drum for nearly three seasons, and my arms are getting tired.

It's gonna get bad,

Yeah,it's gonna get worse...

Monday Recap: Quiet Minds OR Pruning the Family Tree.

I never did a Monday Recap on the episode Witch Hunt, which was the second ep of the WWoTW story arc. I took a bunch of notes, but nothing really came together and it was a hectic week and blah blah excuses. I went back and watched it a few times, went over my notes some more, and just couldn't glean (or produce) anything useful, and until this week I thought 'ho hum, filler episode'.

But there are some little clues thrown into Witch Hunt which are starting to make more sense, which I will get to in a bit.

Who did we meet?: Lumiere, who is not so much a 'who' as a plot device. This show might need to change it's name to Shiny Objects, because we're introduced to a new one every freaking week. Why is this the first we're hearing of the Dark Vault? How did Zelena get the dagger?  Why, if Rumpel IS dead, is his name still on it? And why in death, since he DID apparently die, didn't Rumpel's dark powers just revert to the vault leaving him mortal and dead? Whatever - Robert Carlyle, never leave us again, ok?

When and Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest within the past year (give or take) Storybrooke present day. We have zero frame of reference for the EF timeline beyond 'one year ago'. But we can infer that Belle and Neal are off searching for the Dark One at about the same time as Snow, Charming, Regina, Robin And The Rest are trying to invade the castle which is blocked off by Zelena's trademark green protection spell. And while Hook is off searching for his ship and not at all concerned about finding his freaking first mate who is possibly still a rat. People in the Enchanted Forest are bad at relationships. Granted all this repeated memory loss can't be good for anyone's amygdala.

What did we learn?: Apparently Neal sent the msg to Hook to find Emma. There's some precedent for that, I guess. Here's the weird thing. Hook has more memories than anyone else seems to. Everyone else in Storybrooke remembers Regina casting the spell, and then nothing. They have NO memories of the Enchanted Forest. Hook remembers going back, meeting Philip and Aurora, and then going off on his own to find his ship. But the question is, if Neal had been subsumed by Rumpel - how and when did he manage to get a message and a potion to Hook? And if Zelena did cast the new curse - how did Hook get back with memories intact? The upcoming episode - Jolly Roger - is going to be very interesting.

Wait, What?: Did Zelena call that flying monkey 'beautiful one' or 'dutiful one'? According to the semi-reliable captions, it's beautiful, but...that's an odd name for a minion, right?

Why is this important?: Zelena is the Wicked Witch of the West and Emma is still The Savior. Glad we got that settled.

Oh Henry!: He HAS gotten better. Or maybe I just appreciate his disdain for not-New York Bagels. Or I'm okay with this OUAT: CSI step-aside-and-let-the-grownups-handle-this format. Pick one. I'm fine with any of these options.

He's not only merely dead,
He's really most sincerely dead.
Or maybe not, because magic!

Really OUAT?: Opening the Dark Vault meant Neal was cursed, right? Emma, we're not going to give True Love's Kiss the old Snow-Charming try? Granted, True Love's Kiss RARELY lives up to it's own hype, but still. For the sake of family honor, give it a go. No? Ok, dead baby daddy then.


Rando Thoughts/Crackpot Theories:
Zelena wants what she doesn't have.You guys. She's making herself a family. She needs a heart, a brain and some courage/nerve for her ideal partner, and she's got a baby already baking. One of the first things she says in Witch Hunt as she's rifling through Regina's jewelry is that it could feed a family for a year. It might just be an offhand, throwaway comment, but somehow I doubt it.

She's got courage* and a brain - both taken from men, and I'd be willing to bet the heart will be taken from a man too. We'll see if she's goes after Hook's. Other candidates still include:

• Emma. It's worth remembering that when Cora tried to snatch her heart, she was unable to do so.
• Henry. Heart of the truest believer? Would DEVASTATE Regina. But he's also got that spell cast on him that makes his heart "unstealable".
• Unknown Baby. Pure heart, uncorrupted maybe?
• Snow. We know her heart was corrupted at one point.
• Regina. Also probably in possession of a corrupted heart.
• Robin. I'm going to include him because of my theory that Zelena's going to hold to her pattern of targeting men. He may emerge as newly vulnerable, True Love, etc etc.
• Sidney Glass, Anton, King George. Because if she wants to fly her broomstick under the radar, literally no one will notice they are and have been missing for ages.

Wanting a family makes some sense, if her story about being Cora's firstborn is true. All we know is that she had a less than ideal upbringing in Oz, and we can assume that Cora had absolutely NO hand in raising her. In fact, she quite specifically mentions her father and his desire to keep up appearances despite his shaking hands. This begs the question of who her father might be, and what the story is around her formative years. I'm still not sure I buy the half-sister thing though. We SAW her take Regina's blood, and then the blood lock on the vault was open. In the following episode we saw her take Rumpel's blood and use it to open the blood lock on the safe in the pawn shop. If she is Cora's elder daughter and she used her own blood to open the vault, then what did she need Regina's blood for?

We've seen Regina and her pixie-dust-appointed-lover Robin Hood meet twice now. They're undeniably showing some chemistry, but I think that says more about the actors than it does about the writing and the pairing making any kind of sense. The important thing about the characterization is that Robin acknowledges that Regina is formidable, and doesn't back down from it, or feel the need to stand up to it. He just kind of lets her be and enjoys the view. I have to wonder where Tinkerbell and ALL the fairies are. (Shady Bitch.) I still miss Nova. I want her and Grumpy to get their boat and sail around the world. Why should Snow and Charming get the only happy ending?

Fun fact that I actually heard from a friend who is "expecting", OJ really does perk up some fetuses in utero! Sonogram techs actually recommend that expecting moms drink orange juice or lemonade before getting sonograms doene. So maybe Zelena IS actually a midwife. Or maybe she knows how to use Google. BURN HER!!!

*Perhaps not coincidentally, Charming's courage is represented by his "sword". #phallicsymbolism