Monday Recap: The Jolly Roger

Who did we meet?: A dime store Jack Sparrow/Russell Brand knockoff-  oh wait, it's Blackbeard. Apparently we are returning to the S2 tactic of introducing new characters and immediately killing them off. And we're using characters from actual historical canon now, instead of fairytales and myth. Cool. (Maybe they meant to say Bluebeard?)

Object du Jour: The floating cloak, I guess? I was really hoping that Eric would be a merman. Dang.

When/Where did the events take place?: 1 year (9 months?) ago in the EF/Present Day Storybrooke - where David and Mary Margaret have lost their DAMN MINDS.

Why does this matter?: TBD

Wait, what?: BYE ARIEL. Hope you and Eric don't drive each other crazy on your deserted island. Actually, wait. No. I'll wish you something better. I hope that you and Eric don't get an ill-fated spinoff - OUAT: Hangman's Island.

Oh Henry!: ...did this episode really need a "C" plot line? CAN WE REALLY NOT JUST SEND HIM TO SCHOOL? IT IS CLEARLY STILL WINTERTIME IN STORYBROOKE. Henry's Hit-And-Run...it's like an afterschool special with no moral. Wasn't S2 David trying to teach Henry to ride a horse? Didn't Mary Margaret suggest a trip to the library a few eps back? Why are these no longer viable ways to entertain/supervise/distractify this kid? Is it still a good idea to have David be acting sheriff? IS he still the acting sheriff? How does this town function!?!?

Shut up Charmings: No, I have TOTAL faith that you guys will make awesome parents. Trying to be cool for your grandson is just proof of your epic parenting skills. JUST FOCUS AND BUILD THE GODDAMN CRIB SHE IS ABOUT TO FREAKING POP. Call Gepetto if Ikea baby furniture is beyond you - remember him?? Or failing that, BUY A HOUSE. You have three generations living in what I can only assume is an attic studio apt - that you are paying rent on...how, exactly?

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions: Thanks for addressing Wormtail Smee's LONG disappearance as a rat, I guess? And by "adressing" I mean just acknowledging he was a rat when last we saw him, making a cheese joke, and saying that he's back now Because Magic.

Useful tip that pirates operate on the same principal as parakeets - drop a sheet over them and they think it's nighttime and go to sleep.

Zelena wants Emma out of the way because Emma some-crazy-how has the power to defeat her because she's superpowerful - even though she has no knowledge of, training in, or discipline using magic - , so that Zelena can steal Regina's heart, so she can go back in time to make Regina never be born, so that Zelena will be Cora's only daughter and so that Rumpel HAS to use Zelena to cast the Dark Curse...is that about right?

Why aren't we enlisting The Blue Fairy's help in training Emma? Or failing that, Tinkerbell?  Regina isn't the only magic game in town. And we know she's not the strongest game in town - she never was. She was just selfish/reckless/persistent enough to be notorious.

Who IS Zelena's biological father? Is this a dumb question? It doesn't appear to be Rumpel, though he's the obvious choice.

Does Ariel still have that bracelet, or does she just flip flop back and forth as she pleases now? I'm also a little bit bugged by an Ariel that's bitching about life on land, and is ONLY interested in being Eric's main squeeze. This is a pet peeve I have with people who short-change Ariel in general - "She gave up her VOICE for a guy!" Well...no. In the movie, Ariel is ALWAYS interested in the human world beyond her own. She's an adventurer, and an explorer. And she's a 16 year old mer-girl. Would all the people who are or have ever been 16 year old girls - mer or otherwise - who did not do something markedly stupid for someone they found themselves attracted to please stand up? She gave up her voice to piss off her FATHER, and getting next to Eric was a bonus. Again, any past or present teenagers who did not do something self-damaging and dumb in a misguided attempt to buck parental authority please, make yourselves known. Saying Ariel gave up her voice just for a guy is unfair and reductionist.

Why would Hook name Emma as his "lost love" when they're both in Storybrooke, Neal is dead, Emma is asking Hook to 'babysit' on the reg, and he's (passive) aggressively pursuing her? Hook, that's not lost, that's unrequited.

If Regina is never born...what does Cora do? Does she lie to King Henry, and tell him that Zelena is his child? Does she own up, and ask Henry to raise Zelena as their own? Or does she go down the same path and give Zelena up anyway? Or does Zelena assume all aspects of what would have been Regina's life? Woule Zelena become Snow White's stepmother? Cora wants her daughter to be queen - does she still off Queen Eva so that Zelena can marry Leopold? In this alternate timeline, does Cora LET Rumpel anywhere near Zelena? She does have the ultimate trump card - no better way to keep your teenage daughter away from an unsuitable suitor by telling him he was your lover first. Squick.  Sort of gives new meaning to the words "family show". But I digress. That's putting the cart before the horse. Zel hasn't done anything YET.

If Rumpel is WATCHING Zelena craft a time-travel spell, can't he just use that magic to get Bae back again?

If When Hook kisses Emma with his now cursed lips she loses her power. (O! To be so cursed!/Would that I were so threatn'd!) But doesn't Emma WANT to go back to NYC? Isn't there a possibility that she'd be willing to give up her magical abilities in order to "protect" Henry, and return to their previous life? If Zel gave Emma that choice - give me your powers, and you and your son can walk away from all of this - I'm not wholly convinced that Emma wouldn't at LEAST consider it.

Crackpot Theories: I've got nothing - truly. I don't even know what questions to ask anymore. It'd be one thing if OUAT were dropping hints for us to follow, but they've done that so many times now just to ignore or negate it further down the line, that trying to figure things out isn't fun anymore.
To wit:

• When we first meet Grumpy he says he is in jail because he tried to win his love with a stolen gem.
• Golden Compass...?
• The seer says 'the boy' - ostensibly Henry - will be Rumpel's undoing.
• Magic Beans...?
• In the pilot Snow says that Regina cursed her because Regina thought Snow was prettier. She knows darn good and well this is not the case.
• The Dark One is immortal...unless he his poisoned, in which case he can totally be killed and his name disappears from the dagger. Because "Immortal means to live forever, it doesn't mean one can't be killed."
• Ogre Wars...?
• "Charming" was Snow's sardonic nickname for Prince James David. Now it is his surname.
• "Mirror magic" apparently does not require a magic mirror. Just...magic and a regular mirror. BYE SIDNEY.
• Literally anything involving Owen/Greg and Tamara - though I'm glad they dropped this one.