Monday Recap: New York City Serenade OR Touched by A Primate

 Diving right in. It's been three gosh-darn months. Spoilers ahead.

Zeleeeeeena. Zelena. Zzzzzelena.
Nope, I'm just going to call you Adele Dazeem.

Who did we meet?: Walsh. So, there's that. (Is that supposed to be his first name, or his last name, or what?) And new and puberty improved Teen Henry! Now almost entirely self-parenting! And that green chick who is neither Theodora or Elphaba. NEW ORIGIN STORIES FTW!! Apparently her name is "Zelena".

When and Where did the events take place: Who the eff even knows. Now. A year ago. The Enchanted Forest, New York, and back in Dear Old Storybrooke where there's a curse in effect that traps everyone and wipes them of a year of their lives.

Why is this important?: The 8 months of simian surveillance?

Wait, What?: They're cursed BACK to Storybrooke, but they don't know how, or by whom, or why, or what the affects are other than that Snow's now knocked up (gross) and that they've lost a year.

Really, OUAT?: Really? You're going to do this? You're going to bring up Emma's unreliable "superpower" which doesn't work when her uterus emotions get in the way of it being AT ALL USEFUL? Unless you're going to turn Emma into a cyborg (Next reboot) she's clearly going to continue having a metric fuckton of emotional issues, so can we stop referencing this PLEASE?

Oh Henry!: The Confunded Heart of The Truest Believer. Now HE'S the one that needs to be sold on magic? Oh geez. Where's that book?

Shut Up Snow: "He's kind of cute, isn't he?" Are we ABSOLUTELY SURE that Snow's heart didn't shrivel down into a charcoal briquette? I know that 'Dark Snow' storyline sort of petered out, but did anyone, y'know, check? How are you immediately going from being separated from your daughter again to  - que sera sera, but OMG BOYS!

Shut Up Charming:  Hey, Mr. "I Will Always Find You". Could you maybe NOT piss on Neal's parade to find Emma and Henry? Thanks.

Crackpot Theories: Hook's gonna die. I really really really hope I'm wrong on this one, but this show kills off two types - ethnic minorities and male eye candy. So unless Hook undergoes a sex change (OR BECOMES A PREADOLESCENT PUPPET) or gets un-hot somehow, pretty sure he's not making it out of this season alive. It's early yet - which is what makes the theory pretty crackpot, but when Emma tells Walsh that she can't marry him because a "ghost" from her past has returned...it's sort of an odd, awkward choice of words. Which makes me think that this is OUAT attempting to be forshadowy and clever. Also, if he is going to die, I forgive him that "A pirate's life" line.*

About the current...curse, I guess? Still too early to tell. According to David, we know that everyone is back in Storybrooke, with memories of who they are intact, but no memory of the past year. Hook swears that Charming and Snow are in danger, but they seem fine. A couple of theories spring to mind.

• The Wicked Witch re-cursed everyone to get to Emma because...Revenge? (OMG THE WICKED WITCH IS EMILY THORNE! IT ALL MAKES SENSE.) We can guess that she's the one who sent the flying guest star monkey after her in NYC. Which means she has some idea who Emma is. Or the monkey could be a red herring. Something about all of this suggests "trap", but for who and to what end?

• Neal cast the curse to get back to Emma and Henry. He *says* he doesn't want to, but it kind of seems like he will cast the curse, if it comes to that. He and Belle are going looking for that dagger because Scooby Doo and the Clue Crew don't know what to do if there isn't a magic maguffin to chase after. (Sidebar: Does Belle not seem all that upset about Rumpel's disappearance/death?) I assume looking for the dagger and by extention, Rumpelstiltskin, means that Neal is going to go looking for some serious magic. What we've seen of the curse so far also seems pretty benign. If Neal did have to reinstate the Dark Curse to get him back to A Land w/o Magic, having people lose a year's worth of memories seems like a small price to pay.

• The Blue Fairy or Rumpel cast the curse. Without knowing where they are or what they're up to, this is a hard one to back up. They're both powerful enough, and they have the know-how.

And back to what makes this show fun - the mysteries! Who is the Wicked Witch, and what's with the oblique references to revenge...against Regina? And why go after Emma? Again, unless Walsh is meant to throw us (or someone else) off the trail.

Random Thoughts: Did EVERYONE get red highlights in their hair? Was that the price of magic? Regina, Aurora, Belle...please god, let this mean that when we see Mulan, she has Rufio's hair. Also, Ariel's going to be PISSED.

There's a memory potion now, because of course there is.

Do Aurora and Philip just live in a...field? That seems like an unsafe place for a breeding woman.

How did the NYPD not lock Hook in a mental institution?

Robin, do you NOT know who's in that protected castle?!? What do you DO in the woods, exactly? OR IS THIS A SET UP?

Talk about Fairy Tales - No man in NYC (on earth) proposes marriage to a woman in her 30's after 8 months of dating.  Even Aiden Shaw waited over a year - and that was AIDEN "GODDAMN IT WOMAN MY BABYMAKER CLOCK IS TICKING" SHAW.

Enchanted Forest Roll Call: Snow, Charming, Regina, Neal/Baelfire, Ruby, Granny, Belle, Hook, Jiminy "I'm an actual bug again" Cricket, The 7D (I'm going to assume all seven are accounted for, even though I didn't actually count) and all their stuff. The "50" that vaguely materialize somewhere offscren must include AT LEAST:
- Ariel and Eric
- Gepetto and Pinocchio
- Ashley/Cinderella? ...et al?
- Maleficent...?
-Tinkerbell.
-All the Fairy-nuns? (Nova where are you, we miss you.)
-The Darlings...? (Wow, how much would THAT suck??)
-Pongo.
- Smee (who is possibly still a rat?)
-The denizens of The White Rabbit bar.
-The nice old library man from S1.
-Sidney Glass/Nurse Ratchet/The guy with the mop in the mental institution...?
- Dr. Whale...?
- King George...?
-Anton/Tiny?

Rumpelstiltskin and Peter Pan are very much NOT accounted for, which is to be expected to a certain degree so that they can do a big ol' ratings grab when Robert Carlyle returns, and that's fine - but I'm a little bit more concerned about where Rumpel's magical stockpile went.