Monday Recap: Season Finale Edition! or NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS.

We have a new hashtag (#Frozen, #FrozenisComing) and a new little princeling! Rejoice! ...or something. I was also wrong wrong wrong about everything this season! Hook lives! Zelena was NOT trying to create a family - not in a creepy magic Frankenstein way, anyway, and we are NOT going to Narnia. And apparently Zelena is really most sincerely dead. So that's good, I guess.  And hey, we exchanged closing out a season with ominous clouds of smoke for neon blue goo and ice magic. I know that must have been hard for...someone. The writers? The SFX team? I'm sure they've gotten fond of the Magical Fog-Clouds of Reboot, but Disney didn't spend all that time, talent, and treasure on developing a software to animate better snow to NOT use it.

Who did we meet?: Her Royal Majesty (maybe?) Queen of Arrendelle (possibly?) Elsa....The Snow
Queen. Is she a good witch, or a bad witch? The smart money is on Elsa as the new Big Bad. But will they redeem her, or kill her? Tread lightly OUAT. This is a new franchise, and its fans are LEGION. That being said...ride that gravy train, I guess. I have many many many doubts.

When/Where did the events take place?: Oh FFS. I can't even. Time Travel. You figure it out. Fun game while watching this episode - when you see Snow White onscreen, yell out whether it is old footage, body double, or puffy Ginnifer (hint: if they're only showing her from the clavicle up, swathed in a cloak, it's Ginny.), also take a shot because it makes the watching more bearable.

Wait, What?: Did Regina get her heart back? Did Rumpel  get his brain back? Was there a really lazy - "it was inside you all along" message that I missed? I'm pretty sure the actual blood-pumping muscle and body regulating organ were actually snatched right out their body cavities. Granted there is some precedent for strolling around without your "heart" (Hi Cora!) but as everyone seems to conveniently forget (Hi Henry!) that didn't end well.

Really, OUAT?: Three seasons of arguably more drama than Snow and Charming ever dealt with and Belle and Rumpel skulk away to get married in the woods in the dead of night? By Archie? With one witness? Belle, sweetheart, do you know what a wedding is? Or how to plan one? Typically, there are guests.

Shut Up Charming: Holy Blazing Obliviousness. Charming - did you REALLY not notice a woman being BLUDGEONED INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS from 10 FREAKING FEET AWAY?? His Royal Derpiness rides again.

Shut Up Snow: Can you maybe NOT talk about how you bulshitted the trolls until you're OFF THE BRIDGE THAT THEY LIVE UNDER? I swear, Snow and Charming are like giant pandas. They're real cute and all, but it is a freaking miracle they managed to live long enough to reproduce.

Oh Henry: Nope, I'm cool with Henry in this episode. Largely because he does not feature. I hope that he is deemed royal babysitter next season and is shuttled off to hide from ice stalagmites crashing upon the Wee Baby Neal. Neal Blanchard-Nolan?

The Anachronistic World of OUAT: Charming talks about marriage as a "business transaction" and a "merger". *blinkblink*  I must have missed the part where Charming has a subscription to Forbes Magazine in the EF. Also, duh. Marriages between highborn families were never about love. They were about alliances and resources and the ability to reproduce. The idea of marrying for love is A) relatively new and B) completely revolutionary. You didn't marry because you love someone, you married because it's what you do and if you're lucky you come to love each other. But of course that doesn't square with our modern sensibilities.

Rando Thoughts:
Aurora is NOT dead. How very irrelevant convenient. I mean, what a relief. Philip and Mulan remain utterly unaccounted for, but as they are not With Child, we do not care. RIP Walsh, 3 dwarves, Philip and probably King George, I dunno.

I cannot decide if I love or hate Evil Disco Queen Regina and her Katy Perry (tm) lashes and those pleather leggings. There's a part of me that loves the way this show plays with Emma and Regina like Barbie dolls. Princess Emma, Hipster Emma, Time Traveling Emma.

Imma just say it - this show officially features too many children for all the retconning and flashbacks, and temporal pauses,  and magical michegoss the show wants to incorporate. They abandoned Hansel, Gretel, and Cinderella's baby for this reason, the Neverland arc could only last 10 episodes because they were literally racing against Jared Gilmore's  imminent onset of puberty. I feel like that's the real reason they killed off Neal, because they just couldn't keep going back to Dylan Schmid intermittently. Children grow. Whatever else they do, they grow. 

Remaining Questions: So so many. Like, so many. 

Coronation? Prince Neal? You do know that you live in AMERICA now, and we don't have royalty here, right? Except Beyonce, but that is DIFFERENT.

This is going to bug me - is Henry's last name still Mills? After the Dark Curse Redacted, wouldn't he be Henry Swan now?

We're never going to get a straight answer about that book, are we?

In two more seasons, will time travel go the route of the Dark One's Dagger and The Dark Curse? Originally something mysterious and powerful that only a few could harness, and eventually ubiquitous - everyone knows where to find it and how to use it?

Is Granny's literally the only place in town to have an event? If so, she needs to expand on that B&B business model. Or OUAT could introduce another hardworking entreupreneuress...

Now that The Snow Queen is a factor, are trolls still evil? Will there be good trolls and bad trolls? Is it only trolls that live under bridges that are evil? Perhaps the trolls are just victims of gentrification.

Even though we live in a quaint, secluded coastal New England Town - someone needs to wise all these people up to the fact that they do live in a 21st century quaint secluded coastal new england town. How does this town function? Magic. Why do I keep asking questions like - where do things like food and utilities come from? Magic. NEVER MIND GAMP'S LAWS OF ELEMENTAL TRANSFIGURATION.

What's going to happen when Belle finds out her marriage is predicated on a pretty substantial lie?
How fast do you think Belle will get pregnant?

Who did Hook trade his ship to? Can it not be Blackbeard, please?

See you in October! Until then, Hope! Belief! Faith! Love! Wisdom! Innocence! Courage! Love! Oh - I said that already. Uh...Magic! These will solve all your problems. Toodles!

Monday Recap: The Jolly Roger

Who did we meet?: A dime store Jack Sparrow/Russell Brand knockoff-  oh wait, it's Blackbeard. Apparently we are returning to the S2 tactic of introducing new characters and immediately killing them off. And we're using characters from actual historical canon now, instead of fairytales and myth. Cool. (Maybe they meant to say Bluebeard?)

Object du Jour: The floating cloak, I guess? I was really hoping that Eric would be a merman. Dang.

When/Where did the events take place?: 1 year (9 months?) ago in the EF/Present Day Storybrooke - where David and Mary Margaret have lost their DAMN MINDS.

Why does this matter?: TBD

Wait, what?: BYE ARIEL. Hope you and Eric don't drive each other crazy on your deserted island. Actually, wait. No. I'll wish you something better. I hope that you and Eric don't get an ill-fated spinoff - OUAT: Hangman's Island.

Oh Henry!: ...did this episode really need a "C" plot line? CAN WE REALLY NOT JUST SEND HIM TO SCHOOL? IT IS CLEARLY STILL WINTERTIME IN STORYBROOKE. Henry's Hit-And-Run...it's like an afterschool special with no moral. Wasn't S2 David trying to teach Henry to ride a horse? Didn't Mary Margaret suggest a trip to the library a few eps back? Why are these no longer viable ways to entertain/supervise/distractify this kid? Is it still a good idea to have David be acting sheriff? IS he still the acting sheriff? How does this town function!?!?

Shut up Charmings: No, I have TOTAL faith that you guys will make awesome parents. Trying to be cool for your grandson is just proof of your epic parenting skills. JUST FOCUS AND BUILD THE GODDAMN CRIB SHE IS ABOUT TO FREAKING POP. Call Gepetto if Ikea baby furniture is beyond you - remember him?? Or failing that, BUY A HOUSE. You have three generations living in what I can only assume is an attic studio apt - that you are paying rent on...how, exactly?

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions: Thanks for addressing Wormtail Smee's LONG disappearance as a rat, I guess? And by "adressing" I mean just acknowledging he was a rat when last we saw him, making a cheese joke, and saying that he's back now Because Magic.

Useful tip that pirates operate on the same principal as parakeets - drop a sheet over them and they think it's nighttime and go to sleep.

Zelena wants Emma out of the way because Emma some-crazy-how has the power to defeat her because she's superpowerful - even though she has no knowledge of, training in, or discipline using magic - , so that Zelena can steal Regina's heart, so she can go back in time to make Regina never be born, so that Zelena will be Cora's only daughter and so that Rumpel HAS to use Zelena to cast the Dark Curse...is that about right?

Why aren't we enlisting The Blue Fairy's help in training Emma? Or failing that, Tinkerbell?  Regina isn't the only magic game in town. And we know she's not the strongest game in town - she never was. She was just selfish/reckless/persistent enough to be notorious.

Who IS Zelena's biological father? Is this a dumb question? It doesn't appear to be Rumpel, though he's the obvious choice.

Does Ariel still have that bracelet, or does she just flip flop back and forth as she pleases now? I'm also a little bit bugged by an Ariel that's bitching about life on land, and is ONLY interested in being Eric's main squeeze. This is a pet peeve I have with people who short-change Ariel in general - "She gave up her VOICE for a guy!" Well...no. In the movie, Ariel is ALWAYS interested in the human world beyond her own. She's an adventurer, and an explorer. And she's a 16 year old mer-girl. Would all the people who are or have ever been 16 year old girls - mer or otherwise - who did not do something markedly stupid for someone they found themselves attracted to please stand up? She gave up her voice to piss off her FATHER, and getting next to Eric was a bonus. Again, any past or present teenagers who did not do something self-damaging and dumb in a misguided attempt to buck parental authority please, make yourselves known. Saying Ariel gave up her voice just for a guy is unfair and reductionist.

Why would Hook name Emma as his "lost love" when they're both in Storybrooke, Neal is dead, Emma is asking Hook to 'babysit' on the reg, and he's (passive) aggressively pursuing her? Hook, that's not lost, that's unrequited.

If Regina is never born...what does Cora do? Does she lie to King Henry, and tell him that Zelena is his child? Does she own up, and ask Henry to raise Zelena as their own? Or does she go down the same path and give Zelena up anyway? Or does Zelena assume all aspects of what would have been Regina's life? Woule Zelena become Snow White's stepmother? Cora wants her daughter to be queen - does she still off Queen Eva so that Zelena can marry Leopold? In this alternate timeline, does Cora LET Rumpel anywhere near Zelena? She does have the ultimate trump card - no better way to keep your teenage daughter away from an unsuitable suitor by telling him he was your lover first. Squick.  Sort of gives new meaning to the words "family show". But I digress. That's putting the cart before the horse. Zel hasn't done anything YET.

If Rumpel is WATCHING Zelena craft a time-travel spell, can't he just use that magic to get Bae back again?

If When Hook kisses Emma with his now cursed lips she loses her power. (O! To be so cursed!/Would that I were so threatn'd!) But doesn't Emma WANT to go back to NYC? Isn't there a possibility that she'd be willing to give up her magical abilities in order to "protect" Henry, and return to their previous life? If Zel gave Emma that choice - give me your powers, and you and your son can walk away from all of this - I'm not wholly convinced that Emma wouldn't at LEAST consider it.

Crackpot Theories: I've got nothing - truly. I don't even know what questions to ask anymore. It'd be one thing if OUAT were dropping hints for us to follow, but they've done that so many times now just to ignore or negate it further down the line, that trying to figure things out isn't fun anymore.
To wit:

• When we first meet Grumpy he says he is in jail because he tried to win his love with a stolen gem.
• Golden Compass...?
• The seer says 'the boy' - ostensibly Henry - will be Rumpel's undoing.
• Magic Beans...?
• In the pilot Snow says that Regina cursed her because Regina thought Snow was prettier. She knows darn good and well this is not the case.
• The Dark One is immortal...unless he his poisoned, in which case he can totally be killed and his name disappears from the dagger. Because "Immortal means to live forever, it doesn't mean one can't be killed."
• Ogre Wars...?
• "Charming" was Snow's sardonic nickname for Prince James David. Now it is his surname.
• "Mirror magic" apparently does not require a magic mirror. Just...magic and a regular mirror. BYE SIDNEY.
• Literally anything involving Owen/Greg and Tamara - though I'm glad they dropped this one.