Meanwhile, back at the ranch OR Raise your hand if you're not here

Who's left in Storybrooke at this point? (*denotes an actor who has left/may be leaving the show for the foreseeable future.)

• Belle
• The Seven Dwarves
• Tiny/Anton
• The Fairy-nuns
• Dr. Whale
• Granny
• Ruby*
• Jefferson* & Grace
• Dr. Hopper
• Gepetto
• Pinocchio/L'il August
• Nurse Rachet
• Smee (as a rat?)
• Moe/Maurice (Belle's father)
• King George
• Sidney Glass -remember him!?
• Cinderella/Ashley*
• Prince Thomas
• Alexandra (Cinderella and Thomas' daughter who ought to be a toddler by now)
• Sherriff of Nottingham
• Kathryn (though I think it's safe to assume she moved to Boston)
• Hansel & Gretel & their dad

…and a BIG old power vaccum. The Mayor, Sherriff, erstwhile King and Queen, and the town's most eminent citizen have all royally bailed on the charming Hamlet of Storybrooke.

So...who's in charge? Please tell me if I missed anyone!

Edit: Maleficent. I forgot Maleficent. That'll be an issue...

And Straight on To S3!

It just isnt a season finale without Belle getting her memory back. Maybe she should try scrapbooking to shorthand all this in the future?

Who did we meet?: No one we haven't met already! 3 nameless "Lost Ones" as Smee refers to them. I've seen one (the one with lines) referred to as Felix, but I don't know if that's actually his name, or if that was the name given for the casting call.

When/Where do the events take place?: Neverland, pre dark curse...probably. If no one ages in Neverland, it's going to be difficult to measure the passage of time. It's safe to assume it's pre-DC because we know that Hook returns to the EF, and is there when the curse is cast.  The question now is HOW both Baelfire and Hook  (and his ship and his crew) escape Neverland. Also Modern-Day Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Baelfire/Neal is NOT Peter Pan. Peter Pan is after Henry.

Why is this important?: Henry. Why is Henry important? To anyone in life ever, really, but why is he suddenly more important of "the sacredness of [Greg and Tamara's] cause" and all their professed loathing of magic goes out the window as they haul Henry through a portal to Neverland...because Henry "changed everything". >.< Doctor, my head.

Oh, Henry!: Please tell me that him being kidnapped means that there will be less Henry in S3. You can call the whole season The Quest for Henry - just as long as we don't have to actually deal with him until like...12 episodes in.

Really OUAT?: SO many of these...oy.

• Lost Boy Ninja...guy? Felix? We're familiar with the sound of ripping. Your onomotopoeiac interpretation of sound is not so much sinister as sillly.

• I know I've mentioned this many times before, but David is REALLY trigger-happy. Wasnt he supposed to stop being Sherriff when Emma got back? Cause that was awhile ago. He's getting to the poing where it is Not Ok. Like openly threatening Hook with his gun in front of everyone. But I guess that's to set up the testosterone battle we're going to see between Hook and David in the coming season.

• Honestly, we couldn't get an "I will always find you" for Rumple and Belle? They've had it harder than Charming and Snow. And THEY'VE found each other. Lots of times. It'd be sweet and poignant coming from Rumple and Belle. It might even get Snow and Charming to soften toward him - just a little.

Wait, What?: Philip's back! (It actually took me saying the words out loud for it to register that Philip was back. "Mulan, Philip, Aurora...Philip! PHILIP!!!") Oh, goddammit, we're going to have to see Mulan and Aurora team up to defeat the wraith in flashback, aren't we?

So...what, Regina and Emma are The Magic Wonder Twins now? The internet is going to have a FIELD DAY. (OMG WHAT WAS EMMA GOING TO SAY TO REGINA WHEN SHE TURNED AROUND??? SHE TOTES THOUGHT REGINA WAS GOING TO DIE AND SHE WAS GOING TO PROFESS HER LOVE!!!) ...No. Not going to happen. Regina and Emma are not Gabrielle and Xena reborn. I have zero opposition to that happening. But this is a prime-time network show on ABC whose parent company is Disney with lots of nods to G-rated Disney properties. They're going to make this show as action-packed as possible without any actual Action, and as titilating as they can with out any actual tits. You want that, you watch Game of Thrones. -Soapbox Moment- I doubt this show will ever highlight an LGBT character. They may throw out some canon/non-canon character info at a con, but this show is probably going to stay heteronormative. More's the pity. I would REALLY like to know why all the giants & dwarves are male, why the faries all seem to be female, and how they all manage to reproduce. /soapbox

I call shenanigans on Rumplestiltskin. He's all skeptical - and rightly so - that the Blue Fairy (who we have seen what, twice this season?) has suddenly and miraculously created a magic potion that restores Enchanted Forest memories. And then he just happens to be carrying  a concealment spell in his pocket to give to Belle. Then again he can see the future. Alright, I'll let it slide.

We can just change the name of The Jolly Roger to the SS Uneasy Truce. Upcoming feuds will include:

• Hook/Rumple
• Rumple/Regina
• Emma/Hook - before makeouts
• Hook/David - testosterone fights!
• Regina/Emma - SHUT UP INTERNET.
• Regina/Snow - Bored with this.
• Rumple/Rumple - To Kill Henry, or to Not Kill Henry...it's not really a question.

BUT THEY ALL NEED EACH OTHER!!! TO SAVE HENRY!!! ...and find Neal who isn't dead, just shot...

I sincerely hope that Greg and Tamara don't make it out of the season alive. I doubt they will. I also think there's a very real possibility that either Greg or Tamara or both have (at least!)been to Neverland before.

Lots of recap and speculation this summer between viewings of Game of Thrones, and True Blood, and Warehouse 13, and Scandal...ok, maybe I'm using the term "lots" loosely.

Weekend Speculation

"Your acting all season has been
 more wooden than mine right now."

Well, this is it. The culmination of a bizzare, lackluster season. A season that started with tremendous promise and then seems to have shat the bed.

By Kitsis and Edwards own admission their biggest regret of Season 2 was having August/Pinnochio tasered to death, because wood is historically traditionally scientifically not the greatest conductor of electricity.

Biggest Season Two Regret
Eddy and Adam also took a moment to address a major fan complaint this season: The Tasing of Pinocchio. "Here's the thing, we thought, 'We need a real world weapon.'" In the moments in making that decision we never realized the backlash that would be from a taser," Eddy emphatically said. "We just figured the audience assumed it wasn't a taser ... but they didn't. So I got a lot of history lessons about wood and conducting electricity. If I could go back one season and change one thing, I would have made it a syringe. If she had just taken a [glowing] syringe and shoved it into the dragon, no one would give a sh*t. I am sorry we chose a taser. We are willing to take the hit for the taser. We f*cked up." (http://www.etonline.com/tv/133446_Once_Upon_A_Time_Season_2_Finale_Spoilers/)

So we head into "And Straight On Til Morning" on Sunday. Neal/Baelfire has been shot and gone through the portal into another world. We've gained some insight into Hook and Baelfire's past relationship - that is, that they had a past relationship.

Here's what we know:

• Neal and Emma are Henry's biological parents
• Neal is Baelfire, Rumpelstiltskin's biological son
• Rumplestiltskin believes that Henry will be his undoing, based on the prophecy of the seer.
• Neal and Emma both traveled to other worlds through the Blue Fairy's involvement.
• Rumpelstiltskin says that fairy magic doesn't mix well with what he is
• Emma is inherently magical - The Chosen One, born of true love destined to break the Dark Curse. She hasn't actually broken it yet. 
• Shortly after being sent to A World Without Magic, Baelfire is taken to Neverland.
• In Neverland, you don't age. Hook goes there with the intent of giving himself unlimited time to plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin, since The Dark One has "life eternal". (But can apparently be killed by poison. Whatever.)
• Rumpelstiltkin is the "crocodile" responsible for cutting off Hook's hand - and killing his True Love - Milah.
• Milah is Rumpelstiltskin's former wife, and Baelfire's mother.
• There are faries in Neverland, according to Wendy.

Here's what we don't know:

• We don't know why The Shadow is kidnapping boys to Neverland.
• Where Neal is now.
• What happens to Baelfire while he is in Neverland.
• How Baelfire/Neal gets back from Neverland to A World Without Magic.
• What Hook and and Baelfire's relationship is to one another.
• How Henry got his book of Fairy Tales - weren't we promised that this season?

Shady. Bitch.

Is it possible that The Blue Fairy is playing a bigger end game than Rumpel? Both Emma and Neal made it to A Land Without Magic through her involvement. But Baelfire/Neal was born and went through the portal LONG before Emma was conceived or even thought of. So a mysterious magical force, coming from a land which houses mermaids and faries is kidnapping young boys and keeping them in a land where they don't age for reasons unknown. But we know Neal leaves Neverland somehow. In time to meet Emma and father a child. A child who is now being prophesied/assumed to be the undoing of The Dark One.

Rumpelstiltskin's willing to chalk Regina's adoption of Henry up to 'fate'.  I'm not so sure.

I also still think that Bae is the reason that Hook knows about Rumpel's dagger. I can't help but wonder if/when Baelfire finds out that Rumpelstiltskin is actually the person responsible for Milah's death.

I'm not so sure that Baelfire IS Peter Pan. I'll be pleasantly surprised if he's not.

See what happens when you go on hiatus OUAT?

I stop caring. My computer stops caring. And by "caring" I mean "working at all". But the fact that I don't care doesn't bother me. The fact that my computer doesn't care doesn't bother me. (it sort of bothers me.) What bothers me is that YOU seem to have stopped caring OUAT.

So here are my I-dont-care-at-this-point-recaps.

Lacey: Is it weird that I'm super curious about the bartender at The Rabbit Hole? Who's he? What's his story? He was interesting! That was some of the more interesting character work I've seen on the show in awhile.

Lacey. Belle. Bad Belle. I have to give them credit, this is an interesting twist on the "Evil Twin" trope. That being said...um, doesn't everyone else in town KNOW who she is? We actually haven't seen this issue addressed. From the time that Sneezy crossed the town line in the beginning of the season (and it can't be a coincidence that he's who Lacey is hustling in pool) we don't know what happens to people who cross the town line and then RETURN to Storybrooke. Mr. Gold seems to not want to...remind Lacey of who she is? Well first he does, but then when it looks like Granny might jog Lacey's memory, he cuts her off. Why? What will happen if people are reminded of their true memories?

Rumpelstiltskin is now VERY dangerous. He has magic. He has Belle. He has Baelfire (in proximity anyway.) Belle WANTS him to use magic to gain and keep power. She now *wants* to be a kept woman. Remember when Belle wanted to be a hero and liked books?

The best thing about this episode was it's TOTAL LACK OF HENRY. Seriously, does this kid go to school. He should be occupied for at least 6 hours out of each day, and he should be sleeping for another 8. Throw in two or three more hours for homework, eating, and general hygene and we should have a MAX of 8 hours of Henry-time per day, which works out to what - 3 minutes an episode? I could handle that.

The Evil Queen: What a horrific episode. The Evil Queen is evil. For those who hadn't been paying attention. She didn't want to be, but fuck it now she is - end of episode. We did learn that Rumpelstiltskin very deliberately planned to bankrupt King George's kingdom - which ostensibly sets into motion the events that lead to Prince James' death, leading Rumpelstiltskin to set David on the throne, all so he can get Cinderella's Fairy Godmother's Wand.  I'm also a smidge curious as to when Regina DID learn to shapeshift without assistance.

Second Star to the Right: This entire episode is setup for the season finale, and I don't even care. I should be more excited/invested/curious - but I kind of just want it to be over so I can watch Downton Abbey and Scandal for the summer.

Tamara and Greg/Owen - YOU SUCK as villains. I am bored with you. I am bored with you using "science" and  "mechanics" the same way that Storybrookians use "magic" as a PLOT DEVICE. Science and mechanics are real true things that exist. Try to think up plausible explanations as to how they work? Are magical beings vulnerable to electricity? Fine. But Regina isn't...really a magical being - not anymore than Snow White is. She's just learned some magic. And if there's magic in the world, she can use it. But it seems like anyone can, if they just know how. The only inherently magical beings we've seen in Storybrooke seem to be Emma, Gold, the Dwarves, the Faries, Maleficent, and August/Pinocchio. Other people just know how to  USE magic if it's available to them. So basically you're just electroshocking a woman. And (sorry, maybe spoilers) they don't know who they're working for? So they're working for a religious scientific underground government cartel that is hellbent on destroying magic because...Jesus? Come on, even the puritans were kind of okay with magic until it became a convenient scapegoat for things going wrong in their lives. I understand Greg wanting to find his father (and I guess becoming a zealot in the process) but what's Tamara's story? Bitch be cray.

I'm sorry, did Rumplestiltskin say "being immortal doesn't mean you can't be killed - it just means you can't die"?? Um...generally that's exactly what being killed leads to. So are there ways to live forever without dying that are horrific? Of course. Perhaps they should have specified that The Dark One does not AGE, but that does not mean he cannot DIE. This has bugged me since Hook poisoned him. All that setup about the stupid dagger, and for what? Zilch.

Mary Margaret and David. Go back and watch every episode this season and take a drink every time David pulls a gun. Go on, I'll wait.





Keep watching. Keep drinking. Stop crying.





You're either viking-caliber drunk or you're dead. Congratulations. And Mary-Margaret. I miss your badassery. You are weepy and whiny and just irritating. But good on your for being able to identify the smell of sardines. How very precise your royal olfactory senses must be. MAYBE THATS HER SUPERPOWER.

Oh yeah, Emma's superpower is back you guys. (But it's unreliable. You know what you call an unreliable superpower? NOTHING. You call it NOTHING - because if you talk about shit you can do, but only sometimes like when no one is watching you get LOCKED THE SHIT UP.) Because she could tell Tamara was lying. Anyone who could not tell Tamara was lying - raise your hand. No one? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? That woman is a horrific actress. She fits right in.

The Shadow - Ok, this is the only thing that sort of marginally interested me. We don't KNOW if Baelfire is Peter, or even if he's one of the  Lost Boys. We just know that he's in Neverland where he won't age. I REALLY hope he turns out to be Tootles. Or Slightly. Or Nibs. Mostly Tootles. So the shadow kidnaps boys and magically takes them to an island where they will never grow up, and every night they cry for their mothers. Save the Michael Jackson jokes, I have a feeling there will be plenty of those next week.

Recap: Selfless, Brave, and True

Well. Indeed! ...and such. This is going to continue to be edited, because it's my blog and I can. Spoilers!

Who did we meet: Tamara and Pinocchio...sort of. Oh, and "The Dragon". It's hard to keep track of who we meet when they get bumped off in the same episode.

When/Where did the events take place: Phuket, two years ago. Manhattan, two years ago. Hong Kong, two years ago. Present Day Storybrooke.

What did we learn: Tamara's history. Along with her present as a two-timing so and so. (It really does not pay to be brown on this show!) More of August's history.

Why is this important?: Mary Margaret just throws punches now!! I wasn't aware having a blackening heart caused you to have emotionally induced muscle spasms. As far as we know Regina never went around just cold clocking folks. I can't wait til we see how her wardrobe changes as a result of HER BLACK HEART. We're just going to ignore the fact that as sweet souled pure hearted Snow White homegirl straight up shoved an arrow at Mulan's jugular and was ready to cut a bitch.

Oh Henry!: Henry is just now being shuttled back and forth from different adults. Within the town. School is not being mentioned. (Hey, remember when Mary Margaret was a teacher? Substitues in Storybrooke must CLEAN UP.)  Regina is still after him? Sort of? Maybe not. And this is after he has loudly proclaimed that he's going to destroy magic and getting his hands on a bundle of dynamite. For the love of....SEND THE KID TO BOARDING SCHOOL.

Really OUAT?: Look. there will forever be Emma/August shippers. If there is a man who has proclaimed himself engaged to Twilight Sparkle, there is no douse of cold water you can throw on the people who have fallen on the Emma/August shipper sword. It would have been sufficient that he endorsed (ye gods) Emma and Neal. Emma and August were never going to happen. That was fairly obvious to anyone with eyes and/or sense. Let the shippers have their corner of the internet. Because believe me, turning him into a kid of indeterminate age is not going to dissuade those folks. Shippers never say die. Also...

Rheul Ghorm. Blue Fairy. Mother Superior. You couldn't WARN a person that your magic might turn August into an ammnesiac child!?!? I know that "magic is unpredictable here", but WTF.  There need to be some serious caveats on your magic if you accidentally go around turning grown men into little boys.

...and now it suddenly makes sense why the fairies are nuns. They should have let Rumpelstiltskin handle this. CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT FROM THIS EPISODE. Come back Robert Carlyle.

Don't Trust: Tamara, obviously. But what exactly are her and Greg/Owen's motivation in being in Storybrooke? She wants to discover magic - why. And he wants to...expose it? And find his father? There is a big big plan going down here amidst all the makeouts. And ok, I was wrong. Tamara was the "her" that Greg (we're going to stick with Greg because the last thing this show needs is another character with more identities than anyone actually needs) has been texting.

Wait, what?: How DID the dragon know that August was Pinocchio? Honestly, my first impulse was that The Dragon was Rumpelstiltskin. The collecting of personal items, combined with the fact that he can see the future - so there's a possibility that he knew that August went through the wardrobe with Emma - but no, then he would have recognized that August wasn't Baelfire back in Season One. Also he died. We saw the body. So back to the original question, and not only that - this guy seems to know about other "lands" in general, not just about Pinocchio personally. The easy "get" is that he's Mushu from Disney's Mulan. I suppose that's possible. But I really hope there's more to it than that.  What's kind of interesting is the connections that they've drawn between Sleeping Beauty and Mulan. Not just the title characters themselves actually partnering up - but Philip being cursed/trapped as the Yaogwi (sp?) and two characters that can shapeshift into dragons. Maleficent and this new guy...I assume he was going to shift into a dragon. It is never quite safe to assume anything with this show. Is the dragon from another land, or does he just have knowledge of and access to them? If it's just knowledge and access, then he must have a source. If he has a source, it can't be any of the denizens of Storybrooke as we currently know them.

Corrections, Crackpot theories, and other Thursday Filler

Oops!: Found a mistake in my last entry. Greg calls the phone number he sees/finds on Henry's backpack when he comes across a kid suspiciously alone running through the woods. He doesn't necessarily know that he's calling Regina when he attempts to contact Henry's parent.

Crackpot theory: Hook knows about the dagger because of Baelfire.

We know that Bae knew about the dagger. We know that Baelfire went to another land before coming to A Land Without Magic, and because he recognizes Hook, hasn't aged, and knows how to steer a magic pirate ship - we can safely assume this land is Neverland. We know that Hook went to Neverland in order to have enough time to plot his revenge against Rumpelstiltskin - as the Dark One has life eternal. (unless you poison him, apparently - but that is neither here nor there.) Hook returns from Neverland with tales of a weapon that can defeat the Dark One. He doesn't know what the weapon is, or where to find it - but he goes to Belle to find that information. Regina knows all about Hook, and that he's returned from Neverland. So the timeline matches up.

Part of me wants Bae to be one of the Lost Boys - Slightly, or Nibs, or Toodles.  Just to NOT be Peter Pan. Disney still owns the rights to all those names, right? I'm also waiting for Henry to have his "Hook" (The Spielberg movie, not the OUAT character) moment - "Peter Pan's my DAD???" Might be time to get him back into therapy. Then again, the whole REASON he was in therapy was because he thought the people in his life were fairytale characters, and he turned out to be right. So even if he DID wind up back on the couch, he'd be fully justified in being unbearably smug.

Long Shot: Tamara (Neal's Fiancee)  as Tiger Lily? I don't really think this is possible. But because of her unspecified ethnic look, lots of names are being tossed around - Pocahontas, Jasmine, Tiana. Tiger Lily is the only connection to Neverland I can think of. But if he left Neverland, and brought her along, then he wouldn't have been flying solo when he met Emma. Maybe he wasn't, entirely. There's clearly more to learn about this character, and I hope she fares better than other characters of color that we've seen featured on the show.

I will scream if I keep seeing David pull a gun. That's his thing apparently, this season. Seriously, take a drink everytime he pulls a gun. Wasn't this the guy who was volunteering at the animal shelter last season, and now he's Magnum freaking P.I.

Is it bad that I'm more curious about what happened to Maleficent (we never saw a body!) than I am about Philip, Mulan, and Aurora. I just don't care about those three or their wacky adventures.

I still think we're due for a real death this season, and I think it's going to be August. Archie didn't really die, and Cora HAD to die. We're due for a death that's going to upset people. Something about his character just says 'sacrifice' to me. It'll be nice to see him next week.

According to The Mary Sue, there's also now talk of a OUAT spinoff around Wonderland. I don't think it's a great idea, at this point. The show's too young - albeit popular - for a spinoff, and without Sebastian Stan, they really don't have a good connection. I'd rather watch a spinoff around Jack/Jaqueline. She seems like an interesting character - one we didn't get to see enough of, but we know she's a realm-jumper and an adventurer. There's more potential for stories there.

Monday Recap - Welcome to Storybrooke

Who did we meet?: Kurt and Owen Flynn.

What did we learn?: Greg Mendel's backstory.

Where/when did the events take place?: Present Day Storybrooke, Storybrooke 29 years prior.

Why is this important?: Mr. Gold genuinely seems to not remember who he is. When we meet him 28 years later, he very much does even though he's still being cagey about it. How did he manage to engineer Henry's adoption? That's clearly no coincidence.

Remaining Questions/Problems: Well now we need to find out what happened to Kurt Flynn. The obvious solution is to look in the asylum where Regina tended to keep all her problems and pawns locked away. So did the time not passing in Storybrook keep him from aging as well? Because then we're not so much Storybrooke as "New Neverland."

Best Line: "Would you like me to come over later?" - Sherriff Graham
Yes. Yes I would Jamie Dornan. You call me.

Wait, what?: ...the guy who crashed his car into a tree has the Mayor's cell phone number? And knows who the Mayor's kid (guess he's still legally hers!) is? And HAS HER CELL PHONE NUMBER??? I guess the short explanation is that he's stalking Regina. ...but HE TOLD HER WHO HE WAS. Typically stalkers don't do that. Do they? I'm happy to say I have no practical experience on either end of the stalking spectrum. In all seriousness, why isn't he looking harder for his father instead of trying to expose magic? That seems like the more pressing motive. Wouldn't it be simpler to approach Regina with a very real threat of straight up blackmail, and demand your father in exchange for your silence?

Really OUAT?: Regina. *sigh* When Rumpelstiltskin is the voice of reason and you sound like a bratty, petulant child  - it might be time to take some serious stock. JUST going to point out that I suggested seeing Dr. Hopper last week. At this point, I am ready to suggest that you take up a hobby. Does Storybrooke have a Color Me Mine(tm)? There are still stables in Storybrooke - take up riding. Daniel would want you to.

Oh Henry!: You tried to get rid of magic with dynamite down a well. Why is it that the more adult supervision this kid has(we're now at two biological parents, one step-parent, and three grandparents) , the wider the depth and breadth and scope of the trouble he gets into?

No, but really: Regina seriously. Getting bored with your curse is not reason to wrongfully imprison a man, and attempt to kidnap his son. You do not have good social skills. Granted, you were raised by a woman without a heart. But you're an adult now. You're responsible for yourself. Spend some time in the self-help section of the library. Schedule some very expensive couch time. (WITH A DOCTOR. Minds out of the gutter people.) Take a vacation. Remember, YOU can leave Storybrooke.