It's the S4 countdown!

Hey!!! We've got less than two months til the OUAT S4 premiere. This is the point in the summer where I get all optimistic for the return of OUAT. I'm far enough out from the last season to forget all of its plotholes and disappointments, (Seriously, what did Zelena need Regina's blood for?) and still far enough away that I don't know enough to dread the upcoming season yet! And we've got an Anna, an Elsa, A Kristof, a Hans - even a Sven!

This is actually my favorite part of the OUAT season. It's like- forgive me -  freshly fallen snow. Even though I know it will inevitably all turn to slushy muck, there's still that pristine moment where everything is shining and glittery and untouched and looks like it might be beautiful and perfect.

I know, I know. But I'm going to pick up the blogging anyway. Character Profile Mondays and Episode Throwback Thursdays. Throwback Thursdays were something I'd been meaning to start through the second half of S3 and just...didn't. So I'm going to try and get into the habit now. Starting this coming Thursday I am throwing back to S1, out of order!

Stay tuned!

And now for something completely different

I will get to Marian. I WILL. And "Elsa". But OUAT's Facebook page was cross promoting this trailer today.

"ABC will use Sundays to launch Galavant ...when Once Upon A Time ... [completes its] initial fall run. “Galavant” is an hour-long musical comedy..." (http://variety.com/2014/tv/news/abc-to-add-new-marvel-series-set-greys-scandal-earlier-on-thursday-1201179313/)

If I'm reading the writing on the internet wall correctly, this will air in OUAT's Sunday timeslot during their midseason break. So Decemberish through March? When it will be competing with awards shows and the Superbowl.

This is...why this is? First off, the timeslot is a death sentence. The schedule itself is setting up any chance the show MIGHT have for failure. Second, with ALL due respect to Alan Menken - this trailer is reminiscent of many musical failures and it appears to be a pale, cynical imitation of any beloved fantasy franchise and "Entertainment President Paul Lee referred to the series in his upfront presentation as 'literally Spamalot meets Princess Bride,'" (http://www.broadway.com/buzz/175917/knights-kings-tunes-get-a-first-look-at-alan-menkens-new-musical-comedy-series-galavant/)  Figuratively. The word you meant to use was figuratively.

It is ENTIRELY possible I am being premature. This could be the next big thing. This could be Game of Thrones meets OUAT meets a resurgence of Musical Theatre on Primetime Television as an art form that is Wholesome Family Fun Good Times Yay!!! But this sure smells like entertainment by committee. This has the vaguely suspicious and wholly artificial stench of what you get when you throw focus groups and demographers and studio execs at a scheduling vacancy.

I can just see this being pitched using words like "gritty" and "edgy" and "...but with heart!".  I don't doubt that many good people did good work in bringing this project to bear, and I don't want to disparage any of them. I hope this is just a ghastly trailer, and the show really DOES have a campy charm and that it finds it's audience. (Sooner than a show like Pushing Daisies did.) I don't WANT to see things fail. But I have major doubts, AND I think this show makes it far more likely that our new Big Bad Snow Queen Storyline will showcase a musical number. The silver lining being that a rousing Storybrooke dance number will help Ginnifer Goodwin shed any remaining baby weight. And Josh Dallas  too, cause let's be real, that doublet was looking a li'l tight on Sunday.

Also, really? His name is GALAVANT? Gallant. Valiant. I think a proper hero deserves a better name than a lazy portmanteau. 

Monday Recap: Season Finale Edition! or NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS.

We have a new hashtag (#Frozen, #FrozenisComing) and a new little princeling! Rejoice! ...or something. I was also wrong wrong wrong about everything this season! Hook lives! Zelena was NOT trying to create a family - not in a creepy magic Frankenstein way, anyway, and we are NOT going to Narnia. And apparently Zelena is really most sincerely dead. So that's good, I guess.  And hey, we exchanged closing out a season with ominous clouds of smoke for neon blue goo and ice magic. I know that must have been hard for...someone. The writers? The SFX team? I'm sure they've gotten fond of the Magical Fog-Clouds of Reboot, but Disney didn't spend all that time, talent, and treasure on developing a software to animate better snow to NOT use it.

Who did we meet?: Her Royal Majesty (maybe?) Queen of Arrendelle (possibly?) Elsa....The Snow
Queen. Is she a good witch, or a bad witch? The smart money is on Elsa as the new Big Bad. But will they redeem her, or kill her? Tread lightly OUAT. This is a new franchise, and its fans are LEGION. That being said...ride that gravy train, I guess. I have many many many doubts.

When/Where did the events take place?: Oh FFS. I can't even. Time Travel. You figure it out. Fun game while watching this episode - when you see Snow White onscreen, yell out whether it is old footage, body double, or puffy Ginnifer (hint: if they're only showing her from the clavicle up, swathed in a cloak, it's Ginny.), also take a shot because it makes the watching more bearable.

Wait, What?: Did Regina get her heart back? Did Rumpel  get his brain back? Was there a really lazy - "it was inside you all along" message that I missed? I'm pretty sure the actual blood-pumping muscle and body regulating organ were actually snatched right out their body cavities. Granted there is some precedent for strolling around without your "heart" (Hi Cora!) but as everyone seems to conveniently forget (Hi Henry!) that didn't end well.

Really, OUAT?: Three seasons of arguably more drama than Snow and Charming ever dealt with and Belle and Rumpel skulk away to get married in the woods in the dead of night? By Archie? With one witness? Belle, sweetheart, do you know what a wedding is? Or how to plan one? Typically, there are guests.

Shut Up Charming: Holy Blazing Obliviousness. Charming - did you REALLY not notice a woman being BLUDGEONED INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS from 10 FREAKING FEET AWAY?? His Royal Derpiness rides again.

Shut Up Snow: Can you maybe NOT talk about how you bulshitted the trolls until you're OFF THE BRIDGE THAT THEY LIVE UNDER? I swear, Snow and Charming are like giant pandas. They're real cute and all, but it is a freaking miracle they managed to live long enough to reproduce.

Oh Henry: Nope, I'm cool with Henry in this episode. Largely because he does not feature. I hope that he is deemed royal babysitter next season and is shuttled off to hide from ice stalagmites crashing upon the Wee Baby Neal. Neal Blanchard-Nolan?

The Anachronistic World of OUAT: Charming talks about marriage as a "business transaction" and a "merger". *blinkblink*  I must have missed the part where Charming has a subscription to Forbes Magazine in the EF. Also, duh. Marriages between highborn families were never about love. They were about alliances and resources and the ability to reproduce. The idea of marrying for love is A) relatively new and B) completely revolutionary. You didn't marry because you love someone, you married because it's what you do and if you're lucky you come to love each other. But of course that doesn't square with our modern sensibilities.

Rando Thoughts:
Aurora is NOT dead. How very irrelevant convenient. I mean, what a relief. Philip and Mulan remain utterly unaccounted for, but as they are not With Child, we do not care. RIP Walsh, 3 dwarves, Philip and probably King George, I dunno.

I cannot decide if I love or hate Evil Disco Queen Regina and her Katy Perry (tm) lashes and those pleather leggings. There's a part of me that loves the way this show plays with Emma and Regina like Barbie dolls. Princess Emma, Hipster Emma, Time Traveling Emma.

Imma just say it - this show officially features too many children for all the retconning and flashbacks, and temporal pauses,  and magical michegoss the show wants to incorporate. They abandoned Hansel, Gretel, and Cinderella's baby for this reason, the Neverland arc could only last 10 episodes because they were literally racing against Jared Gilmore's  imminent onset of puberty. I feel like that's the real reason they killed off Neal, because they just couldn't keep going back to Dylan Schmid intermittently. Children grow. Whatever else they do, they grow. 

Remaining Questions: So so many. Like, so many. 

Coronation? Prince Neal? You do know that you live in AMERICA now, and we don't have royalty here, right? Except Beyonce, but that is DIFFERENT.

This is going to bug me - is Henry's last name still Mills? After the Dark Curse Redacted, wouldn't he be Henry Swan now?

We're never going to get a straight answer about that book, are we?

In two more seasons, will time travel go the route of the Dark One's Dagger and The Dark Curse? Originally something mysterious and powerful that only a few could harness, and eventually ubiquitous - everyone knows where to find it and how to use it?

Is Granny's literally the only place in town to have an event? If so, she needs to expand on that B&B business model. Or OUAT could introduce another hardworking entreupreneuress...

Now that The Snow Queen is a factor, are trolls still evil? Will there be good trolls and bad trolls? Is it only trolls that live under bridges that are evil? Perhaps the trolls are just victims of gentrification.

Even though we live in a quaint, secluded coastal New England Town - someone needs to wise all these people up to the fact that they do live in a 21st century quaint secluded coastal new england town. How does this town function? Magic. Why do I keep asking questions like - where do things like food and utilities come from? Magic. NEVER MIND GAMP'S LAWS OF ELEMENTAL TRANSFIGURATION.

What's going to happen when Belle finds out her marriage is predicated on a pretty substantial lie?
How fast do you think Belle will get pregnant?

Who did Hook trade his ship to? Can it not be Blackbeard, please?

See you in October! Until then, Hope! Belief! Faith! Love! Wisdom! Innocence! Courage! Love! Oh - I said that already. Uh...Magic! These will solve all your problems. Toodles!

Monday Recap: A Curious Thing

Who'd We Meet/Shiny Objects?: Galinda. Glinda. Either. Both?

When/Where did Events take place?: Enchanted Forest After the Redacted Dark Curse but before the reinstated Dark Curse (Lite) and Storybrooke Present-Day

Why does this Matter?: What's the deal with the book? Why'd it appear to Mary-Margaret, and not Emma with all her hitherto unsuspected magical skills? Is it because Emma can't read? Is it the magic closet? Is the box magic? Is it Something About Mary... Margaret? (I had to.)

Wait, What?: Why was the GOOD witch banished? Do people generally banish good witches? To entirely different planes of existence? Behind magical doors that lead to glittery snow? IS THIS YOUR WAY OF TELLING US WE ARE GOING TO NARNIA NEXT?

Oh Henry!: Henry...real talk. You're 12.  No, you do NOT deserve to know everything about your mother's bounty hunting, er Bail Bondspersonry. Or failing that, her Deadbeat Dad Rampage. I feel like for all the talk about how great life was in NYC for Em and Henry, that Emma was kind of a laissez-faire parent.

Shut Up Snow:  "After true love there IS no stronger magic than footwear. It HAS to be protected."
This line had SO much potential, and it was just wasted. Here's the problem. Mary Margaret is not clever or witty, and the line was delivered with complete seriousness and sincerity. On the rare occasion that Mary Margaret APPROACHES clever or witty (before they scamper away in terror) she's incredibly proud of herself that she got as close as she did and makes a big damn deal out of her rapier wit. If whoever wanted this line delivered wanted it done 'dry', there was No Good Way to have daffy Mary Margaret do it. I know Regina can't have ALL the snark, and I know it's technically Mary Margaret's closet that we're rifling through - but couldn't we have given this line to Emma?

Really, OUAT?: I was kind of hoping that Regina's abrupt dash to make out in the woods with Robin was a Hail Mary to summon her heart back. You know, True Love's Kiss and all? But no, apparently she just wanted to go from having chitchat with Mary Margaret to making out in the woods in the middle of the night - imminent threat of flying monkeys be damned.

Ok, so an indeterminate amount of time has passed, somehow with all that is going on Robin and Regina found time for a wardrobe change and to put a label on their relationship and to make out in Very Public Hallways, and Mary Margaret remains (surprise!) oblivious. Are they not telling people that they're seeing each other? If not, they may want to cut down on the hallway makeouts.

Rando Thoughts/Remaining Questions:
Can Zelena stop talking like just wants to get it on with everyone? It's getting tedious and icky. She's not just Auntie Zelena, she's Creepy/Funny Auntie Zelena, the one everyone keeps their eye on, and the kids away from at family gatherings.

"You've gathered the entire kingdom for this?" PS: The entire kingdom are the six people in that room, cause Belle just rolls on in all cloaked -  No guards. No bannermen. No staff. Enchanted Forest press conferences are very boring.

I still want to know why the heck Lady Z needed Regina's blood.

I count seven clearly vaporized flying monkeys. So RIP Philip, Aurora, Little John, Walsh and 3 missing dwarves?  So...are Philip and Aurora dead now? Cause that's a bummer and all (not really) but real talk, this show doesn't need TWO new babies screwing up the timeline. Shouldn't Merry Mulan be rending her hair and garments?

If Zelena's got ALL this power, why does she have like zero finesse? If you can travel via puff-of-smoke, why the broomstick? (I suppose one could ask MGM's WWotW the same question.) Why even TELL Hook that his lips were cursed? Just curse 'em and wait. I mean, why even bother telling people she was going to mess with the revised Dark Curse? Zelena's weakness isn't light magic, it's exposition.

"I went to Blue...Tink...all the fairies." Really Grumpy?You went to ALL the fairies? INCLUDING THE ONE THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH? The one you sent away in Old Yeller fashion? The one you went to jail for and watched one of your brothers die for trying to bust your ass out of the royal hoosegow? Why do I feel like he may not have consulted Nova?

 "Use mine for the both of us." Well first, D'aw. That line was really cute coming from Robin. But the Charming-Snows with their literal interpretations... the good news is that patient load at Storybrooke General is about to get a LOT lighter! When you consider that the only place to get food in the whole TOWN is at Granny's, and all they seem to serve is burgers - there's probably a transplant donor need list a mile long. Never fear, in Storybrooke, hearts are like kidneys! You only need half of what you were born with to survive. But your donor needs to be your Troo Luv. Sorry dwarves and fairies!

Remember when the dark curse was a big dang deal? And when it required a whole lot of villainy and magic and heavy lifting? Yeah, me neither. Is this new curse like Dark Curse Lite - all of the realm jumpery with none of that pesky separation and time-loop trappiness?

Snow's got a pure heart again? When did that happen? Or did the magical standalone door know that Charming going through it alone would be like sending a golden retriever through the door? Pure hearts are grand and all, but having a few brain cells to rub together is helpful. Thank heaven for Snow White! Snow you're so clever! You remembered the "riddle" we heard twenty seconds ago about a door, and connected it to the RANDO GODDAMN DOOR in the middle of the freaking woods. *slow clap* I kind of love that Charming only remembers that people exist when he can see them. There are clearly only THREE people who can cast the Dark Curse and they are all in the woods RIGHT NOW. Find someone else to do it. You're the freaking King and Queen, no? Offer a reward. Promise fame and glory and titles and nobility and land ownership. If all else fails, you've got all those leftover Lost Boys that no one is using.

It needs to be winter ALL THE TIME because the only way we can "disguise" Her Royal Baby Bump is with lots of wardrobe.

We've all got our memories back! Huzzah! So is Pinocchio a kid still, or...what?

Monday Recap: The Jolly Roger

Who did we meet?: A dime store Jack Sparrow/Russell Brand knockoff-  oh wait, it's Blackbeard. Apparently we are returning to the S2 tactic of introducing new characters and immediately killing them off. And we're using characters from actual historical canon now, instead of fairytales and myth. Cool. (Maybe they meant to say Bluebeard?)

Object du Jour: The floating cloak, I guess? I was really hoping that Eric would be a merman. Dang.

When/Where did the events take place?: 1 year (9 months?) ago in the EF/Present Day Storybrooke - where David and Mary Margaret have lost their DAMN MINDS.

Why does this matter?: TBD

Wait, what?: BYE ARIEL. Hope you and Eric don't drive each other crazy on your deserted island. Actually, wait. No. I'll wish you something better. I hope that you and Eric don't get an ill-fated spinoff - OUAT: Hangman's Island.

Oh Henry!: ...did this episode really need a "C" plot line? CAN WE REALLY NOT JUST SEND HIM TO SCHOOL? IT IS CLEARLY STILL WINTERTIME IN STORYBROOKE. Henry's Hit-And-Run...it's like an afterschool special with no moral. Wasn't S2 David trying to teach Henry to ride a horse? Didn't Mary Margaret suggest a trip to the library a few eps back? Why are these no longer viable ways to entertain/supervise/distractify this kid? Is it still a good idea to have David be acting sheriff? IS he still the acting sheriff? How does this town function!?!?

Shut up Charmings: No, I have TOTAL faith that you guys will make awesome parents. Trying to be cool for your grandson is just proof of your epic parenting skills. JUST FOCUS AND BUILD THE GODDAMN CRIB SHE IS ABOUT TO FREAKING POP. Call Gepetto if Ikea baby furniture is beyond you - remember him?? Or failing that, BUY A HOUSE. You have three generations living in what I can only assume is an attic studio apt - that you are paying rent on...how, exactly?

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions: Thanks for addressing Wormtail Smee's LONG disappearance as a rat, I guess? And by "adressing" I mean just acknowledging he was a rat when last we saw him, making a cheese joke, and saying that he's back now Because Magic.

Useful tip that pirates operate on the same principal as parakeets - drop a sheet over them and they think it's nighttime and go to sleep.

Zelena wants Emma out of the way because Emma some-crazy-how has the power to defeat her because she's superpowerful - even though she has no knowledge of, training in, or discipline using magic - , so that Zelena can steal Regina's heart, so she can go back in time to make Regina never be born, so that Zelena will be Cora's only daughter and so that Rumpel HAS to use Zelena to cast the Dark Curse...is that about right?

Why aren't we enlisting The Blue Fairy's help in training Emma? Or failing that, Tinkerbell?  Regina isn't the only magic game in town. And we know she's not the strongest game in town - she never was. She was just selfish/reckless/persistent enough to be notorious.

Who IS Zelena's biological father? Is this a dumb question? It doesn't appear to be Rumpel, though he's the obvious choice.

Does Ariel still have that bracelet, or does she just flip flop back and forth as she pleases now? I'm also a little bit bugged by an Ariel that's bitching about life on land, and is ONLY interested in being Eric's main squeeze. This is a pet peeve I have with people who short-change Ariel in general - "She gave up her VOICE for a guy!" Well...no. In the movie, Ariel is ALWAYS interested in the human world beyond her own. She's an adventurer, and an explorer. And she's a 16 year old mer-girl. Would all the people who are or have ever been 16 year old girls - mer or otherwise - who did not do something markedly stupid for someone they found themselves attracted to please stand up? She gave up her voice to piss off her FATHER, and getting next to Eric was a bonus. Again, any past or present teenagers who did not do something self-damaging and dumb in a misguided attempt to buck parental authority please, make yourselves known. Saying Ariel gave up her voice just for a guy is unfair and reductionist.

Why would Hook name Emma as his "lost love" when they're both in Storybrooke, Neal is dead, Emma is asking Hook to 'babysit' on the reg, and he's (passive) aggressively pursuing her? Hook, that's not lost, that's unrequited.

If Regina is never born...what does Cora do? Does she lie to King Henry, and tell him that Zelena is his child? Does she own up, and ask Henry to raise Zelena as their own? Or does she go down the same path and give Zelena up anyway? Or does Zelena assume all aspects of what would have been Regina's life? Woule Zelena become Snow White's stepmother? Cora wants her daughter to be queen - does she still off Queen Eva so that Zelena can marry Leopold? In this alternate timeline, does Cora LET Rumpel anywhere near Zelena? She does have the ultimate trump card - no better way to keep your teenage daughter away from an unsuitable suitor by telling him he was your lover first. Squick.  Sort of gives new meaning to the words "family show". But I digress. That's putting the cart before the horse. Zel hasn't done anything YET.

If Rumpel is WATCHING Zelena craft a time-travel spell, can't he just use that magic to get Bae back again?

If When Hook kisses Emma with his now cursed lips she loses her power. (O! To be so cursed!/Would that I were so threatn'd!) But doesn't Emma WANT to go back to NYC? Isn't there a possibility that she'd be willing to give up her magical abilities in order to "protect" Henry, and return to their previous life? If Zel gave Emma that choice - give me your powers, and you and your son can walk away from all of this - I'm not wholly convinced that Emma wouldn't at LEAST consider it.

Crackpot Theories: I've got nothing - truly. I don't even know what questions to ask anymore. It'd be one thing if OUAT were dropping hints for us to follow, but they've done that so many times now just to ignore or negate it further down the line, that trying to figure things out isn't fun anymore.
To wit:

• When we first meet Grumpy he says he is in jail because he tried to win his love with a stolen gem.
• Golden Compass...?
• The seer says 'the boy' - ostensibly Henry - will be Rumpel's undoing.
• Magic Beans...?
• In the pilot Snow says that Regina cursed her because Regina thought Snow was prettier. She knows darn good and well this is not the case.
• The Dark One is immortal...unless he his poisoned, in which case he can totally be killed and his name disappears from the dagger. Because "Immortal means to live forever, it doesn't mean one can't be killed."
• Ogre Wars...?
• "Charming" was Snow's sardonic nickname for Prince James David. Now it is his surname.
• "Mirror magic" apparently does not require a magic mirror. Just...magic and a regular mirror. BYE SIDNEY.
• Literally anything involving Owen/Greg and Tamara - though I'm glad they dropped this one.

Wonderland Requiem

It looks like Will Scarlett will be (re)joining the Merry Men and the OUAT: Original Recipe crew now that Wonderland has mercifully gotten the axe.

Do these mushrooms make my ears look smaller?

Slight spoilers if you are watching/care to watch OUAT: Wonderland

I watched OUAT: Wonderland sporadically and never wrote about it here, but what little I saw I was decidedly unimpressed. I thought it had a weak start, hamfisted characterizations, and predictable plot lines. It seemed like they got marginally stronger by their midseason reboot, and the Jabberwocky was an interesting villain, but none of the characters ever seemed to develop beyond first blush. We got some backstory as to why they were the way they were - but so what? A character can't be ALL reveal. There has to be something to the journey. OUAT: Wonderland ended super predictably, with no one changing* or growing. The strongest episode (translation: the one I actually sat through) was the one with Barbara Hershey.

(*Yes technically Amara changed from a staff back into a woman. I don't feel like this counts.)

Here's the problem with adding Will into the OUAT mix - this isn't going to work w/o some time travel, or stasis or something. Alice's "story" whatever else it does - takes place in and around Victorian England. And OUAT is decidedly, if non specifically, present day. So they're going to have some 'splainin to do when Will strolls into our Quaint New England Town. Or not. Whatever.

Other places OUAT should visit now that we've checked off the obvious crossovers of Wonderland, Neverland and Oz (oh my!) and we should just go full Passions at this point.

• Island of Misfit Toys
• "Outer Space" - it worked for Josie and The Pussycats!
• Thra
• Sunnydale
• Duckburg. Or St. Canard. I'm fine with either.
• Hooterville
• Twin Peaks
• Whatever world Captain EO takes place on.
• Pangaea. As long as we're time traveling, I want some damn dinosaurs.
• Westeros 

Or, failing that, let's just do a 'Honey I Shrunk Storybrooke' storyline. That's a franchise that needs a reboot.

It's Not Easy Being Green OR The Babe With The SPOILERS

You remind me of the babe.

What babe?

The babe with the power...

Who did we meet: We didn't technically meet* anyone new (Nice to see you again Tink, Blue, Walsh) but were there a lot of Storybrooke randos in this episode? There was one Rider Strong wannabe just lurking about at Neal's funeral and then followed our mournful little gang to Granny's along with an inexplicable elderly couple. I like to think the gangly youth was a former lost boy (REMEMBER WE BROUGHT THEM ALL BACK WITH US FROM NEVERLAND AND PROMISED TO FIND THEM FAMILIES?? Way to abandon a bunch of kids with existing abandonment issues Emma. Good looking out.) who joined up with the Merry Men. Can't explain the septuagenarians. Any suggestions?

*Zelena's unnamed adoptive parents. I feel like you need a name to "meet" a character.

When/Where did the events take place?: Enchanted Forest - Pre-Dark Curse, Post Rumple's Aquisition of Dark Powers. Storybrooke Present Day. Oz...mumblemumble years ago. How old IS Regina? She has to be older than Snow White, because up until the Dark Curse was cast, they were aging at the same rate. So...38? 40? 42?  Which would make Zelena...a year older? Two? There is clearly some bomb-ass moisturizer happening in the EF. Enchanted Botox? Magic!

What did we learn?: Zelena IS indeed Regina's older sister. Unless "The Wizard" was lying.

Why is this important?: Was Walsh-the-Wizard (Seriously dude, first name or last name? Both?) trying to get Zelena to take out...Cora? Regina? Rumpel?...or just to steal their stuff? Cause he's packing some not insubstantial magic of his own with the enchanted floor tiles and the magical shoes. What's his reasoning for telling Zelena about her past - whether it's the truth or a lie?

Wait, what?: Is he The Wizard of Oz, as in - the LAND is named OZ - or is he Oz the Great and Terrible/Powerful? Both? Someone needs to settle this for me.

Oh Henry!: Cool Teen Henry man. I am SO ON BOARD. It's like even REGINA'S given up on parenting at this point. He's like a chia pet. Give him some Mountain Dew  Hot Cocoa w/Cinnamon every three days or so, and leave him by a window with partial light. He will be fine, and TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the rampant odd shenanigans going on in this town.  "Oh mom, you're letting me go down to the docks with the scruffy, one-handed, strangely-accented man who hangs around you constantly and never changes his clothes? Cool." #parentingwin

Shut Up Charming-and/or-Snow: Hey Derp-for-brains. Was it smart to bring your extremely preggo wife/self to a magical beatdown? Couldn't you both have just stayed the eff home? They have Netflix in Storybrooke, right?

Really OUAT?: TIME TRAVEL? We're doing this? For realsies? Welp, buckle your retconning seatbelts everyone, because this is going to shake the shit out all your colons.

Rando Thoughts/Unanswered Questions:
It's nice that Hook's everyday leather is funeral appropriate.

Has Zelena kind of tipped her hand? They know what she's after. She's not going to be able to get near Snow's bun-filled oven, and Regina has hidden her heart. As long as Zels has the dagger, does it even matter? She's basically strolling around a quaint New England town with the magical equivalent of a nuclear warhead.

Aw, Regina gave Robin Hood her heart. Also, ick. I understand you are characters from literature, but don't be so danged literal Regina! Does basic biology not have a place in Storybrooke? Obviously not, because magic>science. Sorry Dr. Frankenstein! Also, I was wrong about the heart! She went for Regina's! Because apparently you need brains, heart, and courage for time travel. #DoctorWhoCrossover

Again, I thought this dagger was supposed to be a big old honking secret. Didn't S1 Rumpel straight up murder his mute servant because she maybe might have overheard Rumpel discussing it with Bae? Now it's just common effing knowledge, because Zelena - who grew up in an entirely different REALM - knew about it's existence, how to get it, and how to use it.

WTF is going on in the EF that Rumpel is such a damn catch? Cora. Zelena. Belle. The man is up to his scaly hairline in willing tail! Is power THAT big of an aphrodisiac? Even if it is, the whole place is lousy with princes and kings of unspecified lands. You'd think King George would have taken a second wife if power were that big a thrill, and gone about producing an heir the old fashioned way instead of buying babies on the black market.

I really hope Dr. Whale is working on a flying monkey antidote, and not just chasing after fairy-nuns in Tex Avery fashion. The Dwarves seem HIGHLY unconcerned about their missing bretheren. They are still missing, right?

If Zelena turned the erstwhile Wizard into a flying monkey, then how does the Dorothy Gale story play out? Does Zels turn Walsh human when she needs him to...oh god, just remembered Regina's relationship with Graham and got severely icked out with what ELSE Zelena might be using Walsh for. #prehensiletailpossibilities

Regina slapped Zelena hard enough to draw blood, but NOT hard enough to knock her hat off or even a little bit askew. Magic! Or bobby pins? Only her monkey stylist knows for sure, and he's not telling.

Where's Glinda? Cause we've totes seen this here-are-some-boss-shoes-now-go-take-out-my-competition gambit before.

Why were Zelena's parents on the road to the Emerald City?

Man, I wish that the Wizard had been Jefferson making a bid for power.

This was actually a nice subtle re-frame of Regina, and arguably Cora,  as being born inherently magical, rather than as an adept student of magic. Up until now, Emma was the only human that we knew was born with some innate magic.

Crackpot Theories:
Can the Blue Fairy just reveal her evil puppetmaster plan already? Damn. I've been beating this drum for nearly three seasons, and my arms are getting tired.

It's gonna get bad,

Yeah,it's gonna get worse...