Monday Recap: Good Form - Spoilers Ahoy!

 Belay that ahoy there! Shipshape! Sailor Talk! Holy Hook in a Hairbow!

Yowza.

I'm starting to have some doubts about this season. It's really starting to meander. We all knew that a Captain/Swan hook up (ha!) was coming, and while that kiss was worth the price of admission - Emma's relationships all feel really forced to me. I don't know...maybe it's me. But I really do buy her as a consummate survivor with a LOT of trust issues, and I don't see those walls come down enough to buy her with any of the guys we've seen her paired with yet.
 
Who did we meet?: Captain Liam Jones (RIP), and a lost boy who is NOT Felix.

When and where did the events take place?: Present Day Neverland, unspecified past in an as yet unspecified kingdom. We STILL have not been to Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Dreamshade has an antidote, and the antidote has a pretty major catch.
Also, Hook's backstory! It was interesting, if a leeeetle hamfisted. We *know* that Hook Killian becomes a pirate. He didn't really need the Norma Rae moment with AAAAALL the exposition. Although Colin O'Donohue played it well. I think the guys on that ship were just happy to have a reason to lose all that fussy gear.

Why does this matter?: Maybe the better question is DOES this matter, but this King that Killian and Liam are in the employ of, who knows not just of Neverland's existance, but of a virulently toxic plant and needs it to win a war. Is this a framing device or, will this be important later? We really don't know where Killian and Liam are from, although it certainly seems like the Enchanted Forest.

Since he's sworn off Neverland, it can't be too terribly long after Liam's death when he meets Milah. So maybe the wars are the Ogre Wars?

Oh Henry!: Yeah, I got nothing. I miss Rumpelstiltskin.

Best Line: "A one-handed pirate with a drinking problem?" - Peter Pan to/about Captain Hook. Ouch and zing - but let's be real, pop-psychologists don't diagnose guys with Captain Hook syndrome, now do they?

Missed Opportunity: "Go get some firewood or something." - Emma after that RAUNCHY kiss. Really Hook, all you can muster after THAT is "As you wish?" Well, I guess there's some precedent for simplicity.

Wait, What?: Is there really a sextant that will help them decode the map  and get them off the island? Cause...let's find THAT. It sounds more useful than a golden compass.

And where's Tinkerbell? She's possibly the inabitant  of the other cage along with Rumpel, or Owen/Greg. My money is on Ethan Embry. I think Tink is playing both sides of the field, because WE NEVER SAW A BODY. That line about there "not being enough of [Owen]" to salvage anything had to have been a lie, because all that happened to him was his shadow was taken.

There are three shadows roaming around loose...well, dissected from their owners. Rumpel, Pan, and Owen. Wonder what's up with them? 

Really OUAT?: Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. No one wants to #savehenry. I have a feeling you'll get a lot more twitter traction with #shutupsnow and/or #shutupcharming.

Crackpot Theory: I don't know...I can't nail this down Pan's motives. The idea that he's grooming Henry to be the new Pan has some audience traction. But I just don't know. Pan really seems to have the world calibrated to his liking. And here's the other thing - we haven't yet seen him out and out lie. He tells the truth selectively, and in a way that will ultimately benefit him, but he does tell it. So I'm inclined to believe what he said to Henry about wanting/needing him to bring back magic. And it still doesn't explain how Pan knew to look for The Heart of the Truest Believer or how he got that sketch.
We also haven't seen him outside the context of Neverland, even though we know he's originally from the Enchanted Forest.

So how did Peter Pan find his way to Neverland and become its defacto ruler? Does anyone else find it odd that we haven't seen ANY fairies in Neverland yet, excluding the fallen Tinkerbell? This has shady blue fairy dust all over it to me.

Random Thoughts: Charming is an INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE throughout this episode. "It's your fault we're here!" "Stay away from my daughter!" "Emma will never love you!" "You're a LIAR and liars SUCK." "You're nothing but a pirate" ...SAID THE SHEPERD WHO MASQUERADED AS A PRINCE AND MARRIED A TITLE. #ShutupCharming SHEESH.

OUAT drinking game - take a drink every time Regina: A. uses magic for something superficial. B. whines about how they could solve this problem with magic. C. says something snippy, D. uses a bad pun (all puns are bad puns.)

Henry turning that stick into an actual sword was not as neat as Robin Williams turning empty bowls into bowls full of rainbow frosting. Maybe that's my bias.

Monday recap: Nasty (Spoiler!) Habits

Who did we meet?: The Pied Piper...sort of. Yay OUAT for including the definition of 'pied'. But Fables still did it better. Read Peter and Max - you won't be sorry.

When and where do the events take place?: Enchanted Forest Pre Dark Curse. The further back we go along the OUAT timeline, the less useful the DC is as a marker. We're in the EF after Rumpel gets his powers, but before Baelfire gets access to the portal bean portal. Present Day Neverland. We STILL have not been back to Storybrooke.

What did we learn?: Neal is bomb. He cold clocks Felix, and immobilizes Pan. (although it's a poor sort of immobilizer that allows the victim to talk...) He doesn't take ANY shit from Rumpel, and he made a star map from a coconut. Take that Gilligan and Co. Ok Emma, I get it.

Also! Peter Pan is a MASTER manipulator. He knows how to make his words find their mark. He's very good on preying on the weaknesses that people aren't even fully honest with themselves about. In this episode alone, we watch him manipulate Henry, Rumpel, and Baelfire/Neal. Is it possible that he's not getting his way through magic, but sheer mindfuckery?

Why does this matter?: Rumpelstiltskin, Baelfire, and now Henry have all been Lost Boys. Rumpelstiltskin knew Peter Pan when he (Rumpel) was a boy. So he's been in Neverland (not aging!) since Rumpel was a kid. It's heavily implied that Rumpel knew Peter as a kid, before he somehow became such a Big Bad. What's the story there?

Really OUAT?: The Pied Piper of Hamlin pipes the children away while they sleep. When Rumpel happens upon Hamlin, they're organizing search parties. Rumpel sticks around for the Piper's encore performance, which is spiriting away young men. Those were NOT exactly boys shimmying down those buildings.  But no girls. No young women. So is Pan not taking them, or are the people of Hamlin not that concerned about missing daughters?

At the end of S2, Wendy says that the shadow only keeps boys on the island. Why? The quick 'n'dirty answer then seemed to be that he knew he was looking for a boy. But this Pied Piper business seems to negate that, when he says he wants friends. Does he not want to play with girls? (shut it) Pan seems willing enough to have Emma as a "lost girl". All he seems to want and need around him are people with feelings of abandonment that he can poke at.

Oh Henry!: Henry I-won't-dance-don't-ask-me Mills.You are so great when you are unconscious. You and Aurora should team up. Wonder snooze powers activate!

This is David's 'Oh no you didn't' face.

Wait, what?: All it takes to lure a  fairly-large-although-maybe-not-technically-giant-but-still-plenty-honkin-big squid to the SURFACE is a toot on a conch shell? I WAS PROMISED MERMAIDS.

Also why is everyone so goddamn sold on the idea that Neal is dead? He was SHOT. That doesn't automatically equal dead. Have none of you heard of Suge Knight?

Best Line Exchange: "Why do you care?" "Why don't you?"- David and Hook.
Captain Hook just told Prince Charming to man the fuck up.

Crackpot Theory: Can't take credit for this, but it's an interesting one - Peter Pan is grooming Henry to take over his role. It's interesting, and plausible...but I dunno. Peter seems to like his seat of power just fine. If anything, I think he might want to expand it. Is it possible that Peter is trapped in/by Neverland? A prison that you can control is still a prison.

Random thoughts: GOOD FOR YOU TINK ASKING FOR AN ESCAPE PLAN. You are officially smarter than the United States Congress. I have to wonder about Tinkerbell. I'm not prepared to rule her out as a double agent, and she and Hook CLEARLY have some kind of past-with-a-capital-P. That P can stand for whatever you like.

Getting reeeeeal sick of Halluceno-Belle.  Also Felix. Dear sweet baby Jebus in the manger. LEVELS. Play with them. But Belle. Honey? Self-preservation is not a "nasty habit". It is...I don't know how to be any plainer - it's self-preservation. Not dying. You said that not dying is a nasty habit...for an immortal. That makes no sense.

Apparently there "wasn't enough left [of Greg/Owen] to find anything useful". RIP Ethan Embry maybe. And I saw that smile Regina. Gross. Remember there was a time you wanted to adopt him as a kid and bone his father. Tell us again how you're not a villain?

Oh, and Regina I appreciate you not complaining and nagging to use magic to find Henry, but I'm not sure constant snarking is any better. I'm still not seeing this teamwork we were all so hot for in the first ep of this season.

HIS NAME IS NEAL, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Can we please find a less awkward but still gender-neutral phrase to use instead of 'bail bondsperson'? I like bounty hunter. And are we still not discussing Emma's non-superpower? Ok, good.

We're never going to see Neverland in daylight, are we? We're also never going to see Emma, Snow, or Regina in anything other than impeccable clothing and hair, are we? Is it a royal thing?

You're no Jamie Dornan, but you'll do.

Hook remembers that Milah liked to draw (D'aw.) Now all I can think about is Hook naked on a fainting couch asking to be drawn "like one of your French girls."


Yeah, I'm going to wrap up on Hook Naked.

Monday Recap: Quite a Common Fairy

I've been really looking forward to this episode, and I wasn't disappointed. There is a LOT going on now, lots of plates spinning, lots of balls in the air. But I have to say for an episode with ZERO Rumpelstiltskin, this wasn't bad.

Who did we meet: Tinkerbell, and Robin Hood's ADORABLE son. (RIP Marian)

When and Where did the events take place?: Present Day Neverland, Present Day Enchanted Forest, Pre-Dark Curse Enchanted Forest.

What did we learn?: Hoo boy. There is a difference between FAIRY dust and PIXIE dust. It's important. OF COURSE Aurora and Philip are going to have a baby. Because why rebuild a shattered kingdom when you can make babies? I sort of have to wonder about the circumstances around conception since Aurora's new superpower involves sleeping all the time.

Aurora: ROOFIE RESCUE POWERS ACTIVATE. zzzzzz...

Philip: ....Giggity.

Why is this important?: Why did Tinkerbell want to help Regina anyway?

Oh Henry: I knew last week was too good to last.

Wait, What?: Pan's got a crossbow? Fairies have curfews? That's pretty much bullshit.

Really OUAT?: Robin Hood? Really? Also, his life doesn't seem all that ruined to me. He's got a cute baby, and he's going to get to nail Mulan. #RobinHoodWinning

Best Line: "I will be the judge of what is fairylike!" - Blue Fairy
 First - this is going to be my answer to everything from now on. Second - Shady. Bitch. Third - I think the real reason that the Blue Fairy didn't like Tinkerbell is because Tink's dress wasn't regulation.

Are all fairies called by their wardrobe color? Wouldn't that get kind of limiting? Is it a hierarchy thing? Nova wasn't The 'Pink' fairy. Can I be the 'Puce' fairy?

Crackpot Theories: Ok, this is a big, multi-layered idea. Pretty sure somehow Neverland is laying bare our heroes vulnerabilities. So far the most obvious one is Emma's feeling of abandonment. But we're seeing concrete glimpses of the others. Rumpelstiltskin - cowardice. Snow - being alone. Regina - self sabotage. Charming - physical prowess. Which leads to the next crackpot theory - I don't think David is getting out of this alive. To REALLY break Mary Margaret - David is going to have to die. They're going to have to be separated by something more permanent than distance, magic, marriage to other people, or unconsciousness.

I know what you're thinking - YOU FORGOT HOOK. No, I didn't. But we haven't seen his vulnerability yet this season. We really haven't *seen* it at all. But we've seen glimpses of it. Hook is vulnerable when he falls in love. (D'aw.) It'll be interesting to see what Neal's is.

Neverland is either going to break them, or force them all to believe in something stronger than what they know. All their belief right now comes from externals. They're going to need to believe in something deeper and seemingly less concrete to win.

Win what, though, is the question. Get Henry back, and go home obviously. But this is a weird manifestation of Peter Pan. He's VERY different than any other Peter Pan we've ever seen, not because he's a villain (JM Barrie's Pan is pretty much a douche) but because he remembers and plans.

Peter Pan is always all about instant personal gratification. OUAT's  Peter Pan is manipulating people and circumstances to an end. The question is what end, and why. Simply removing Henry from Neverland isn't going to stop what's already been put in motion.

Monday Recap: Lost Girl

Who did we meet?: No one new - but it was nice to see Genie/Magic Mirror/Sidney again!

What did we learn?: Emma still feels orphaned. More importantly, she feels abandoned - which is something that a LOT of characters in this show feel. Abandoned, disapointed, betrayed.

Where and When did the action take place?: Enchanted Forest pre-dark curse, Neverland present-day.

Why does this matter?: Why did Rumpel hide the dagger? Seems like poor planning since he seems to understand that in Neverland, the LAND ITSELF is under Peter Pan's purview. Which makes me wonder if the shadow hid the dagger someplace other than Neverland. Frankly, why do Rumpelstiltskin and Peter Pan have some measure of control over their shadows, while when Greg/Owen's shadow was removed he fell down...dead?  Unconscious? Let's continue filing him under not dead yet, because - Ethan Embry!

Wait, what?: Please tell me that Pan knows a replicating spell, and Henry isn't somewhere in Neverland starkers.

Oh Henry!: ABSOLUTELY NO HENRY IN THIS EP. THIS IS A HENRY-FREE EPISODE!!! *throws confetti* You know what? I'll let Diana Ross and MJ handle this.

Really, OUAT?: Everything in Neverland IS going to happen in semi-darkness, because you just can't get your CGI act together isn't it?