"Monday" Recap: The Apprentice

I've been lost in the Land of  10,000 excuses! Here are some highlights of my trip:

• jet lag + pms = DED
• unpacking + cramps = crabby beyond all reason
• Let's Cram EVERYTHING into OCTOBER because it's not like we did anything in August. 
• Election season is a freaking moneygrab for so many industries...including mine. Yay dayjob!
• Hulu HATES me for some inexplicable reason. I know I ignored it all summer long to catch up on Buffy and Scandal and Sherlock and Revenge with Netflix, but come on. Get over yourself.

Which is to say, mea mea mea culpa on the backlog. Diving in. Spoilers!

First and foremost, I have to say this was a pretty slick episode. LOTS of Robert Carlyle and Jennifer Morrison and Colin O'Donahue doing their thing, and doing it strong. Lots of points for Michael Socha's facial expressions. A little light on Lana Parilla, but she will get her moments this season, and lots of them, I should think. This episode also dispensed with a lot of conventions, for good and for ill. It's still doing a lot of reiteration and audience hand-holding, and this episode was a bit motivational dialogue heavy, which usually means we're about to get into some action - and the dialogue was tempered with some fun banter between characters. It's nice to see them settling into Life in Storybrooke, whatever that may mean. It's interesting that magic is very much alive, well, and accessible in Storybrooke, which makes me wonder what other characters with other motivations are up to. The answer is obviously, nothing  - because this show is The Charmings meets Modern Family masquerading as a drama.

Second, as anyone who knows me can testify, I have drunk the Disney kool-aid and found it sweet. I am aware that OUAT is little more than a 60-minute commercial in primetime for every "classic" Disney movie property ever. They are absolutely catering to those of us who have grown up with modern Disney classics - they know all those little (let's be real) girls who watched and rewatched The Little Mermaid on VHS until their parents wept tears of blood and brothers big and small rended their hair and garments, are now in their late 20's/early 30's and they are turning childhood nostalgia into ADVERTISING CHEDDAR. ABC is the new Disney Channel boys and girls, and you would do well to remember it. That being said - this has always been true of OUAT. But in S1, they were more subtle about it. Even in S3, Peter Pan borrowed a lot of influence from its many other incarnations, and The Wizard of Oz isn't really a "classic" Disney property, I don't care what James Franco says. WE DO NOT DISCUSS S2.

This season is UNABASHEDLY for the Disney Fandom. It is pandering. I don't mind that it's pandering, but some people do and will. There's no sense in trying to sugarcoat that. Face it for what it is, and decide whether or not you are on board the S.S. Disneyphile.

Who did we meet?: The Apprentice! Who got turned into a mouse of all things. Who ever would have guessed? /sarcasm

Shiny Objects: SO MANY! Hook's hook. Hook's hand. The bucket!box. The neat but sort of unnecessary walking broom. But yay to the FX dept. If ever a broom looked like it meant business, that one sure did. The starry starry hat. The dagger/"wavy knife".

When/Where did the events take place?: "A Long Time Ago". This is now the second time we have seen this so far this season. They have thrown in the towel on timeline. We know that Anna arrives in "Mysthaven" aka The Enchanted Forest roughly two years after the events in Frozen, well after Rumpel becomes and is well established as The Dark One, and before the Dark Curse is cast for the first time by Regina. This is important because we have only seen Anna in flashback up until now. We have no idea where present day Anna (or Kristoff! Or Sven!) might be.

The Incredibles 2: Frozone Boogaloo.

Why is this important?: Is there something about cryohydrokinesis that makes you want to stay in ballgowns all the time? If so, I expect to see some redesigns to Frozone's super suit in The Incredibles sequel.

Oh Henry!: Go ahead and file this under things I never thought I'd blog, but  I'm really impressed with Henry this episode. He got in a little underhanded emotional manipulation (Hi Neal!) with the damn Dark One and it WORKED. It was slick. It was cashing in on wholesome reputation to do a little stealth recon. But maybe learn to sweep a floor like you didn't just have a massive brain hemorrhage?

Wait, what?: Isn't the entire town looking for Princess Snow Kaguya? Sorry - The Snow Queen? And she's just leisurely traipsing about the town in broad daylight in Liberace's dressing gown? As totally over Grumpy-as-mouthpiece as I am, this might have been a useful time for him to show up and utilize his increasingly horrifying brand of mob justice.

Really, OUAT?: Wardrobe...I don't know what to do with you. On the one hand, you put Charming in Adorkable Dad Flannel and got Hook out of those piratey duds that can probably pillage on their own after 2 seasons. On the other hand, no librarian/archivist worth her Dewey Decimals would be caught tripping around day-in-day-out in platform heels, and could we maybe have gotten Hook or Rumpel in some color? Do villains have to be in all black all the time? Seriously, what SEASON is it in Storybrooke. The radio broadcast says that it's 70 degrees, but 30 by the ice wall (ha.) So...is it summer? Maine is a pretty chilly state, no?


Stuff I didn't hate: Sven. Sven all day. If that reindeer doesn't win an Emmy, what is even the use of having Emmy awards?

Didn't hate the nods to Lady and The Tramp (HA! Get it?) on Hook and Emma's date. Cause nothing says "romance" like a knocked up bitch. In general, I'm not hating the use of new locations this season.

Reminding everyone that Rumpel isn't just a threat because of his knowledge of and access to magic, but because of his character. He's manipulative and power-hungry. Much like Hook's hand, the bucket!box/starry hat/wavy knife is not the problem. It's just given him permission to be who he is.

Loving that no new characters are related to Henry. 

Anna and Kristoff. D'aw. Although, I really hope we avoid making Anna's central characteristics "sweet" and "nice". Anna is brave and loyal, and much more interesting than some parts of this episode would have us believe.



Remaining Questions:

• Where's Anna?
• And Kristoff? And SVEN???
• What's up w/the SQ?
• And her relationship to Rumpel? And Emma?
• If she didn't come with a curse, are we about to see magic in "our world" outside of Storybrooke?
• Who's the writer?
• Who's the Sorcerer?
• What happened to Wendy, John, and Michael?

Recap: A Tale of Two Sisters

Who did we meet?: Maid Marrying - oops, I mean Marian and her merry extensions, Princess Anna, Queen Elsa, Social Climber Kristof, and most importantly SVEN.

Shiny Objects: The necklace, clearly.  It was in Gold's shop - is it magical somehow? How did he get it? Why does he still have it? Do we need an episode of Hoarders: Storybrooke, complete with intervention?

When/Where did the events take place?: "A long time ago" (way to phone it in OUAT), Five years after that (which puts it 2 years after the end of  the events that take place in Frozen), and Storybrooke - present day, right where we left our Heroes at the end of S3. Dingdonging the dead witch, and coronating Prince Neal of House Nolan, First of His Name.

Why is this important?: The Enchanted Forest is known as Mysthaven to people in Arendelle. It's nice to see someone getting there via means that are not portal-related.

Why are Hans and his brothers angry? I mean, I get where Hans would be pissed, but why the brothers? Also, is this an opportunity to work in the story of the 12 dancing princesses?? (Which is one of my personal favorite oft-overlooked fairy tales.)

Oh Henry!: More like 'No Henry', amirite? Clearly they are struggling with Henry's evolving role in this world as an adolescent. What of the king stag, when the young stag is grown? Not that Henry is grown yet, but there is just not enough pixie dust to forestall Mother Nature. (hashtag puberty.)

Wait, What?: Someone needs to explain to me how real estate works in Storybrooke, because it's starting to seem like the people Regina shut in the asylum had a pretty sweet gig. Jefferson and Gold (does he have a first name in SB?? We're four seasons in, I feel like this is something we should know.) sort of worked out their housing pre-curse. Inadvertently, in Jefferson's case - but still. Naturally Regina set herself up in a mansion to her personal taste and specifications and everyone else sort of landed mid-story in houses, with jobs, in a bustling little seaside metropolis. Cool.

Then the curse got broken - well, dented - everyone got their memories back, the curse got reversed, then renacted, everyone had just a little bit of memory loss, but then we fixed that too, so we're here in Storybrooke - NOT trapped, with all of our erased memories reinstated. Groovy.

Except that no one seems to remember that David Nolan has a HOUSE. Remember WAY back in S1 when he was married to Kathryn/Abigail and she took off for Boston and Law School? (Good for you lady, way to Lean In and dodge a bullet) They're all squished into Snow's little bachelorette pad for some crazypants reason which I was sort of okay with until Belle saunters into town and announces you can just CLAIM houses?

UmI'msorrywhatnow? "It must have come over in the last curse.", says Belle, before blithely wondering who it belongs to, and then proceeding to not give any f*cks at all about her own curiosity.  I'm starting to seriously think Belle is the most callous of Disney princesses - although in OUAT, they're all pretty much derpy brats.

Do objects come from the EF? Like, entire estates? I get that in the original Dark Curse Regina brought her own shit, and apparently in the Dark Curse Redacted everyone got their stuff BACK (Hi Snow's wig!), so in the DC Lite cast by Snow, abandoned houses are just hauled out of the EF as opposed to generated by the curse like in the DC Original Recipe. Since there is no immediate evidence of an occupant (WHY???) this house that features it's own BALLROOM just belongs to Mr and Mrs Gold now? Finders Keepers Realty, the pride of Storybrooke! I'm also really annoyed that Belle's Storybrooke alias is "Lacey" and not Rose. 1. Rose would have been SO much better and 2. Her Storybrooke name would now be ROSE GOLD. Instead of Lacey Gold. Or Belle Gold. Seriously, WHAT is Rumpel's Storybrooke name?

Really, OUAT?: That title. This episode is NOT a tale of two sisters. It simply isn't. That title is a lazy attempt at being....literary? Clever? It succeeds at nothing and neither. It's a blatant cash-in on Frozen, which is clearly what we can expect from this half of the season, which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Rando Thoughts: Death DID you part, Robin. Why do Enchanted Forest vows not come with escape clauses in case of magic and/or time travel? They should.

"Maybe we should have gone with Baelfire"?? - Charming. What? Gone where? To the valley of the shadow? I mean, I'm not disagreeing - but...what exactly did he mean by THAT?

Rumpel SWITCHED the daggers. So Belle has the real dagger, and he has the fake. But then he snatched the real dagger back to wave the it over the bucket that is now a hat. Maguffins! Whee. So...why have him switch the daggers back? To show that he's trying to be a better man, but he's weak? He could have just had graveside chat time with Bae, and then taken out the dagger, whispered 'I'm sorry Bae', and we would have gotten the point without all the switcheroo.

Anna's wedding is TOMORROW and they are just hauling that long lost gown out of the attic? I really hope Elsa had that thing oxycleaned and was doing a surprise "reveal". And while we are discussing sartorial choices -

Elsa, you clearly can't properly flee in terror in that sparkly gown - so either bust out 'Let it Go' and get it out of all our systems, or ice magick yourself up some trousers and maybe a pair of appropriate footware. I'm thinking Ice Queen of Arandelle meets Tomb Raider. You can keep the braid, everyone wins.

What season is it in Storybrooke?

Remaining Questions: At the beginning of the ep, Anna and Elsa's  mother insists that only the truth can save her daughters. The truth about what? Save them from whom?

Stuff I didn't hate: Sydney's back! And with not much more than a whoops-upside-the-head he's back to being trapped in that mirror. He had better be UPSET about that, because I want to get some mileage out of the hashtags #Mirrorsass and #Mirrorshade. But why does Sydney think he's been in prison "all those years"? And why is he so excited by the thought of killing?

Regina's wardrobe. The evil queen stuff got a little out of control. I like Regina in her power suits, with her on-point brows, and flawless makeup and hair.

Bravo SFX dept on Grand Pabbie and Marshmallow. Nicely done.

"You've got a sister, you're never going to be alone." Solid line, and very Anna-ish. Everything about her delivery is very Anna. At least they're determined to try and do justice to the characterizations originated in the film.

I'm not bossy, I'm the Queen.

Did...did Elsa just channel Beyonce? I might be okay with this season. And by 'okay' I mean cautiously optimistic. If S2 was a shitshow, and it took all of S3 to reset it, (can we agree that Zelina was wholly unnecessary?) S4 might be the S2 we all wanted.

I'm presently away from my normal routine so this will be an abridged Monday Recap, with a full breakdown to follow next Mon, BUT the short version is I am cautiously optimistic. LOADS of interesting potential hashtags storylines - mainly #OnceisFrozen, #FindTheWriter, and #SorcerersApprentice.

This ep was mercifully light on Royal Derpitude eg: Charming, Snow, and Henry, which I am SO ON BOARD WITH. OUAT has way too many interesting characters to waste another season on those three.

Other setups/mysteries which should dovetail nicely into the three major new storylines:

• Whose house palatial mansion are Rumple and Belle having honeymoon secks in? It's not Jefferson's old home. Whoever it belongs to is going to be (rightfully) pissed.
• Villains take over!! This is the one I'm really interested to see. We've seen fairy tale heroes team up against evil, but we haven't seen the villains really band together with common cause since S1. We've seen them network (Hook & Regina), and we've seen them form temporary alliances (Regina & Maleficent), but not since Regina cast the Dark Curse in S1 have we seen the villains come together and say "We deserve a happy ending too."
• Hook and Emma. My goodness, trouble in paradise ALREADY? This can't bode well for the SS Captain Swan. And Hook, no good comes to those who declaim to the Four Winds of Heaven that they have "all the time in the world". In fact, it usually assures that they don't.
• Marian/Robin/Regina. We knew this was coming, but it's not going to be simple. More on this triangle later! (No, really.)

It's the S4 countdown!

Hey!!! We've got less than two months til the OUAT S4 premiere. This is the point in the summer where I get all optimistic for the return of OUAT. I'm far enough out from the last season to forget all of its plotholes and disappointments, (Seriously, what did Zelena need Regina's blood for?) and still far enough away that I don't know enough to dread the upcoming season yet! And we've got an Anna, an Elsa, A Kristof, a Hans - even a Sven!

This is actually my favorite part of the OUAT season. It's like- forgive me -  freshly fallen snow. Even though I know it will inevitably all turn to slushy muck, there's still that pristine moment where everything is shining and glittery and untouched and looks like it might be beautiful and perfect.

I know, I know. But I'm going to pick up the blogging anyway. Character Profile Mondays and Episode Throwback Thursdays. Throwback Thursdays were something I'd been meaning to start through the second half of S3 and just...didn't. So I'm going to try and get into the habit now. Starting this coming Thursday I am throwing back to S1, out of order!

Stay tuned!

And now for something completely different

I will get to Marian. I WILL. And "Elsa". But OUAT's Facebook page was cross promoting this trailer today.

"ABC will use Sundays to launch Galavant ...when Once Upon A Time ... [completes its] initial fall run. “Galavant” is an hour-long musical comedy..." (http://variety.com/2014/tv/news/abc-to-add-new-marvel-series-set-greys-scandal-earlier-on-thursday-1201179313/)

If I'm reading the writing on the internet wall correctly, this will air in OUAT's Sunday timeslot during their midseason break. So Decemberish through March? When it will be competing with awards shows and the Superbowl.

This is...why this is? First off, the timeslot is a death sentence. The schedule itself is setting up any chance the show MIGHT have for failure. Second, with ALL due respect to Alan Menken - this trailer is reminiscent of many musical failures and it appears to be a pale, cynical imitation of any beloved fantasy franchise and "Entertainment President Paul Lee referred to the series in his upfront presentation as 'literally Spamalot meets Princess Bride,'" (http://www.broadway.com/buzz/175917/knights-kings-tunes-get-a-first-look-at-alan-menkens-new-musical-comedy-series-galavant/)  Figuratively. The word you meant to use was figuratively.

It is ENTIRELY possible I am being premature. This could be the next big thing. This could be Game of Thrones meets OUAT meets a resurgence of Musical Theatre on Primetime Television as an art form that is Wholesome Family Fun Good Times Yay!!! But this sure smells like entertainment by committee. This has the vaguely suspicious and wholly artificial stench of what you get when you throw focus groups and demographers and studio execs at a scheduling vacancy.

I can just see this being pitched using words like "gritty" and "edgy" and "...but with heart!".  I don't doubt that many good people did good work in bringing this project to bear, and I don't want to disparage any of them. I hope this is just a ghastly trailer, and the show really DOES have a campy charm and that it finds it's audience. (Sooner than a show like Pushing Daisies did.) I don't WANT to see things fail. But I have major doubts, AND I think this show makes it far more likely that our new Big Bad Snow Queen Storyline will showcase a musical number. The silver lining being that a rousing Storybrooke dance number will help Ginnifer Goodwin shed any remaining baby weight. And Josh Dallas  too, cause let's be real, that doublet was looking a li'l tight on Sunday.

Also, really? His name is GALAVANT? Gallant. Valiant. I think a proper hero deserves a better name than a lazy portmanteau. 

Monday Recap: Season Finale Edition! or NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS.

We have a new hashtag (#Frozen, #FrozenisComing) and a new little princeling! Rejoice! ...or something. I was also wrong wrong wrong about everything this season! Hook lives! Zelena was NOT trying to create a family - not in a creepy magic Frankenstein way, anyway, and we are NOT going to Narnia. And apparently Zelena is really most sincerely dead. So that's good, I guess.  And hey, we exchanged closing out a season with ominous clouds of smoke for neon blue goo and ice magic. I know that must have been hard for...someone. The writers? The SFX team? I'm sure they've gotten fond of the Magical Fog-Clouds of Reboot, but Disney didn't spend all that time, talent, and treasure on developing a software to animate better snow to NOT use it.

Who did we meet?: Her Royal Majesty (maybe?) Queen of Arrendelle (possibly?) Elsa....The Snow
Queen. Is she a good witch, or a bad witch? The smart money is on Elsa as the new Big Bad. But will they redeem her, or kill her? Tread lightly OUAT. This is a new franchise, and its fans are LEGION. That being said...ride that gravy train, I guess. I have many many many doubts.

When/Where did the events take place?: Oh FFS. I can't even. Time Travel. You figure it out. Fun game while watching this episode - when you see Snow White onscreen, yell out whether it is old footage, body double, or puffy Ginnifer (hint: if they're only showing her from the clavicle up, swathed in a cloak, it's Ginny.), also take a shot because it makes the watching more bearable.

Wait, What?: Did Regina get her heart back? Did Rumpel  get his brain back? Was there a really lazy - "it was inside you all along" message that I missed? I'm pretty sure the actual blood-pumping muscle and body regulating organ were actually snatched right out their body cavities. Granted there is some precedent for strolling around without your "heart" (Hi Cora!) but as everyone seems to conveniently forget (Hi Henry!) that didn't end well.

Really, OUAT?: Three seasons of arguably more drama than Snow and Charming ever dealt with and Belle and Rumpel skulk away to get married in the woods in the dead of night? By Archie? With one witness? Belle, sweetheart, do you know what a wedding is? Or how to plan one? Typically, there are guests.

Shut Up Charming: Holy Blazing Obliviousness. Charming - did you REALLY not notice a woman being BLUDGEONED INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS from 10 FREAKING FEET AWAY?? His Royal Derpiness rides again.

Shut Up Snow: Can you maybe NOT talk about how you bulshitted the trolls until you're OFF THE BRIDGE THAT THEY LIVE UNDER? I swear, Snow and Charming are like giant pandas. They're real cute and all, but it is a freaking miracle they managed to live long enough to reproduce.

Oh Henry: Nope, I'm cool with Henry in this episode. Largely because he does not feature. I hope that he is deemed royal babysitter next season and is shuttled off to hide from ice stalagmites crashing upon the Wee Baby Neal. Neal Blanchard-Nolan?

The Anachronistic World of OUAT: Charming talks about marriage as a "business transaction" and a "merger". *blinkblink*  I must have missed the part where Charming has a subscription to Forbes Magazine in the EF. Also, duh. Marriages between highborn families were never about love. They were about alliances and resources and the ability to reproduce. The idea of marrying for love is A) relatively new and B) completely revolutionary. You didn't marry because you love someone, you married because it's what you do and if you're lucky you come to love each other. But of course that doesn't square with our modern sensibilities.

Rando Thoughts:
Aurora is NOT dead. How very irrelevant convenient. I mean, what a relief. Philip and Mulan remain utterly unaccounted for, but as they are not With Child, we do not care. RIP Walsh, 3 dwarves, Philip and probably King George, I dunno.

I cannot decide if I love or hate Evil Disco Queen Regina and her Katy Perry (tm) lashes and those pleather leggings. There's a part of me that loves the way this show plays with Emma and Regina like Barbie dolls. Princess Emma, Hipster Emma, Time Traveling Emma.

Imma just say it - this show officially features too many children for all the retconning and flashbacks, and temporal pauses,  and magical michegoss the show wants to incorporate. They abandoned Hansel, Gretel, and Cinderella's baby for this reason, the Neverland arc could only last 10 episodes because they were literally racing against Jared Gilmore's  imminent onset of puberty. I feel like that's the real reason they killed off Neal, because they just couldn't keep going back to Dylan Schmid intermittently. Children grow. Whatever else they do, they grow. 

Remaining Questions: So so many. Like, so many. 

Coronation? Prince Neal? You do know that you live in AMERICA now, and we don't have royalty here, right? Except Beyonce, but that is DIFFERENT.

This is going to bug me - is Henry's last name still Mills? After the Dark Curse Redacted, wouldn't he be Henry Swan now?

We're never going to get a straight answer about that book, are we?

In two more seasons, will time travel go the route of the Dark One's Dagger and The Dark Curse? Originally something mysterious and powerful that only a few could harness, and eventually ubiquitous - everyone knows where to find it and how to use it?

Is Granny's literally the only place in town to have an event? If so, she needs to expand on that B&B business model. Or OUAT could introduce another hardworking entreupreneuress...

Now that The Snow Queen is a factor, are trolls still evil? Will there be good trolls and bad trolls? Is it only trolls that live under bridges that are evil? Perhaps the trolls are just victims of gentrification.

Even though we live in a quaint, secluded coastal New England Town - someone needs to wise all these people up to the fact that they do live in a 21st century quaint secluded coastal new england town. How does this town function? Magic. Why do I keep asking questions like - where do things like food and utilities come from? Magic. NEVER MIND GAMP'S LAWS OF ELEMENTAL TRANSFIGURATION.

What's going to happen when Belle finds out her marriage is predicated on a pretty substantial lie?
How fast do you think Belle will get pregnant?

Who did Hook trade his ship to? Can it not be Blackbeard, please?

See you in October! Until then, Hope! Belief! Faith! Love! Wisdom! Innocence! Courage! Love! Oh - I said that already. Uh...Magic! These will solve all your problems. Toodles!

Monday Recap: A Curious Thing

Who'd We Meet/Shiny Objects?: Galinda. Glinda. Either. Both?

When/Where did Events take place?: Enchanted Forest After the Redacted Dark Curse but before the reinstated Dark Curse (Lite) and Storybrooke Present-Day

Why does this Matter?: What's the deal with the book? Why'd it appear to Mary-Margaret, and not Emma with all her hitherto unsuspected magical skills? Is it because Emma can't read? Is it the magic closet? Is the box magic? Is it Something About Mary... Margaret? (I had to.)

Wait, What?: Why was the GOOD witch banished? Do people generally banish good witches? To entirely different planes of existence? Behind magical doors that lead to glittery snow? IS THIS YOUR WAY OF TELLING US WE ARE GOING TO NARNIA NEXT?

Oh Henry!: Henry...real talk. You're 12.  No, you do NOT deserve to know everything about your mother's bounty hunting, er Bail Bondspersonry. Or failing that, her Deadbeat Dad Rampage. I feel like for all the talk about how great life was in NYC for Em and Henry, that Emma was kind of a laissez-faire parent.

Shut Up Snow:  "After true love there IS no stronger magic than footwear. It HAS to be protected."
This line had SO much potential, and it was just wasted. Here's the problem. Mary Margaret is not clever or witty, and the line was delivered with complete seriousness and sincerity. On the rare occasion that Mary Margaret APPROACHES clever or witty (before they scamper away in terror) she's incredibly proud of herself that she got as close as she did and makes a big damn deal out of her rapier wit. If whoever wanted this line delivered wanted it done 'dry', there was No Good Way to have daffy Mary Margaret do it. I know Regina can't have ALL the snark, and I know it's technically Mary Margaret's closet that we're rifling through - but couldn't we have given this line to Emma?

Really, OUAT?: I was kind of hoping that Regina's abrupt dash to make out in the woods with Robin was a Hail Mary to summon her heart back. You know, True Love's Kiss and all? But no, apparently she just wanted to go from having chitchat with Mary Margaret to making out in the woods in the middle of the night - imminent threat of flying monkeys be damned.

Ok, so an indeterminate amount of time has passed, somehow with all that is going on Robin and Regina found time for a wardrobe change and to put a label on their relationship and to make out in Very Public Hallways, and Mary Margaret remains (surprise!) oblivious. Are they not telling people that they're seeing each other? If not, they may want to cut down on the hallway makeouts.

Rando Thoughts/Remaining Questions:
Can Zelena stop talking like just wants to get it on with everyone? It's getting tedious and icky. She's not just Auntie Zelena, she's Creepy/Funny Auntie Zelena, the one everyone keeps their eye on, and the kids away from at family gatherings.

"You've gathered the entire kingdom for this?" PS: The entire kingdom are the six people in that room, cause Belle just rolls on in all cloaked -  No guards. No bannermen. No staff. Enchanted Forest press conferences are very boring.

I still want to know why the heck Lady Z needed Regina's blood.

I count seven clearly vaporized flying monkeys. So RIP Philip, Aurora, Little John, Walsh and 3 missing dwarves?  So...are Philip and Aurora dead now? Cause that's a bummer and all (not really) but real talk, this show doesn't need TWO new babies screwing up the timeline. Shouldn't Merry Mulan be rending her hair and garments?

If Zelena's got ALL this power, why does she have like zero finesse? If you can travel via puff-of-smoke, why the broomstick? (I suppose one could ask MGM's WWotW the same question.) Why even TELL Hook that his lips were cursed? Just curse 'em and wait. I mean, why even bother telling people she was going to mess with the revised Dark Curse? Zelena's weakness isn't light magic, it's exposition.

"I went to Blue...Tink...all the fairies." Really Grumpy?You went to ALL the fairies? INCLUDING THE ONE THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH? The one you sent away in Old Yeller fashion? The one you went to jail for and watched one of your brothers die for trying to bust your ass out of the royal hoosegow? Why do I feel like he may not have consulted Nova?

 "Use mine for the both of us." Well first, D'aw. That line was really cute coming from Robin. But the Charming-Snows with their literal interpretations... the good news is that patient load at Storybrooke General is about to get a LOT lighter! When you consider that the only place to get food in the whole TOWN is at Granny's, and all they seem to serve is burgers - there's probably a transplant donor need list a mile long. Never fear, in Storybrooke, hearts are like kidneys! You only need half of what you were born with to survive. But your donor needs to be your Troo Luv. Sorry dwarves and fairies!

Remember when the dark curse was a big dang deal? And when it required a whole lot of villainy and magic and heavy lifting? Yeah, me neither. Is this new curse like Dark Curse Lite - all of the realm jumpery with none of that pesky separation and time-loop trappiness?

Snow's got a pure heart again? When did that happen? Or did the magical standalone door know that Charming going through it alone would be like sending a golden retriever through the door? Pure hearts are grand and all, but having a few brain cells to rub together is helpful. Thank heaven for Snow White! Snow you're so clever! You remembered the "riddle" we heard twenty seconds ago about a door, and connected it to the RANDO GODDAMN DOOR in the middle of the freaking woods. *slow clap* I kind of love that Charming only remembers that people exist when he can see them. There are clearly only THREE people who can cast the Dark Curse and they are all in the woods RIGHT NOW. Find someone else to do it. You're the freaking King and Queen, no? Offer a reward. Promise fame and glory and titles and nobility and land ownership. If all else fails, you've got all those leftover Lost Boys that no one is using.

It needs to be winter ALL THE TIME because the only way we can "disguise" Her Royal Baby Bump is with lots of wardrobe.

We've all got our memories back! Huzzah! So is Pinocchio a kid still, or...what?