Monday Recap: Going Home

Who did we meet?: No one new in the episode (Oh Hai Smee.)- BUT that promo! Make peace right meow with the fact that the emerald-skinned behatted woman in those promos is NOT Elphaba. And byee Felix. #notsorry

When/Where did the events take place?: Present Day Storybrooke, Pre-Dark Curse Enchanted Forest, 11 years ago Phoenix. If you aren't familiar with the word or concept of retconning - get familiar.

Why is this important?: If you "killed" the Blue Fairy and resurrected her within the span of not even two whole episodes, do you really expect us to believe Rumpelstiltskin is "dead"?

Wait, what?: "One day our story will reveal itself." Our story. Not our stories - implying all the residents of the EF.  I could have sworn this was Snow White and Prince Charming's story. I have to keep coming back to this. WHY are they called Fairy Tales? History is written by the winners.

Oh Henry!: A TRON lunchbox. REALLY.

Really OUAT?: We couldn't get Ruby back for this episode? Or Dr. Whale? Or Cinderella? Or Dr. Hopper?  It would have been nice to see ALL the residents of Storybrooke coming together, saying their goodbyes, whatever.

Best Line: "All I ever wanted was for us to raise our child together" - Snow White Really? That's ALL you ever wanted. Ever. YOU ARE A QUEEN. YOU HAVE A QUEENDOM TO RULE. Sense of duty? No? Somewhere dead King Leopold and dead Queen Eva are shaking their heads sadly. #shutupsnow

Remaining Questions/Random Thoughts/Crackpot Theories:

I really hope the Black Fairy turns out to be Maleficent.


OUAT, take a lesson. Whoopi Goldberg. Audra McDonald. Black nuns are the best nuns. Make good use of the one sister who got lines in this episode.

Hook NEVER changes his clothes, and he is wearing a LOT of leather. He smells. That's all there is to it at this point. 

Why does the shadow (FINE PAN'S SHADOW) have such a fixation on the fairy-nuns? What else does the shadow being destroyed mean? Does that mean Owen is alive again too? Will John and Michael rapidly age? DID they go back to London?

Something in Emma's eyes at the end of the episode makes me think Hook's Smooch Gambit worked. Is Emma going to have to convince Henry to believe now?

Why/How does the undoing of the curse affect Bae/Neal? He wasn't among the initially cursed. Same deal with Pinocchio - although he's now A Little Wooden Boy so maybe it doesn't matter? But Neal has memories in Neverland, and he's STILL Henry's biological father - is he going to have fake memories too? Not ever going to Neverland? Actually, how is this curse going to affect everyone if their memories are wiped AND Rumpel is gone. He's key to a lot (all) of the stories. So...is it like he never existed? Do they all have fake memories of how he died? That's kind of shitty, being that he sacrificed himself and all.


Lots of questions - which is to be expected as it is midseason and we won't have new episodes until MARCH.  But it's ok you guys, we're a year in the future. So Henry's 12, and Emma is 30 now. This matters.

This wasn't a bad episode. A little schmaltzy, and I wish they'd let these kind of moments happen in little ways in every episode instead of ALL THE FEELINGS at the midseason break. The folks on this show are good actors when they can really get into it. I wish they'd do it more often.

Monday Recap: New Neverland OR Spoilers in The Woods.

 It's just not mid-season without a Return to Storybrook Reunion! Hey gang, let's go to Arnold's Granny's for a burger and a malt!...or lasagna and hot cocoa. Whatever.

Who did we meet?: Medusa...I guess? I have issues with this. Medusa is a Gorgon. They *could* have just gone Gorgon-hunting for their own EF specific gorgon. They could have worked in the story of Medusa (and Perseus) for framing/exposition/context, and had the same message. Interestingly, in many Greek interpretations, Medusa is the ONLY gorgon that isn't immortal, which is why Perseus is able to defeat her. I feel like Monster Hunting Belle would have been a better choice for this action. There's always someone who can benefit from a 'don't be self-defeating' message. Somehow, this story was trying to draw a parallel between Snow and Emma and it just didn't work. Self defeating indeed OUAT.

Where and When did the events take place: Enchanted Forest AFTER Snow and Charming are married(Wow, she calls him "Charming" through most of their courtship and early marriage. Does she even KNOW he isn't actually James?) but before the Dark Curse is cast.  Modern Day Storybrook.

Why is this important?: I'm with Tinkerbell - why would the shadow kill The Blue Fairy? In order to achieve his goal of freaking out the town enough for Regina to secure him in the vault, Pan could have had the shadow kill literally anyone. It's the appearance of the shadow that gets him what he wants, not the "death" of the Blue Fairy.

I have real doubts about this shadow ripping thing. We've seen a few characters now who have had their shadows separated from their bodies. The "rules" for this are fast and loose. As far as I'm concerned, no one's dead until we see a body  - and even then, with magic in effect, I'm skeptical. It's more than possible that I'm just being stubborn, but I think it is worth remembering that the creature we keep referring to as 'Pan's Shadow' is not actually HIS shadow. It's...just a dark spirit. Maybe the spirit of Neverland?  I'm not prepared to write The Blue Fairy off as dead yet. Heck I'm still not convinced that Greg/Owen is dead! Consider that Rumpel cuts his own shadow loose (where IS that dagger, BTW?) with no ill-seeming effects. Pan controls John and Michael by taking possession of THEIR shadows, and other than slowing their aging process (is that how this works?) they seem to retain their relative agency. Pan and Henry have SWAPPED shadows, and both are still conscious and walking around. So this is potentially 5 characters walking around mostly unharmed to two that we're counting as 'dead'. I think the shadow ripping is a way of taking a character out of play while still leaving the door open for them to return in present-day.

Wait, what?: Hook, were you NOT bitching a few episodes back about how hard it is to love again and now you're trying to get Tinkerbell drunk for some rebound Pixie secks? Even more recently,  didn't you say you were "in this for the long haul" to Neal. "This" meaning your fruitless pursuit of Emma that you're going to call True Love based on one sort of hot-but-blackmailey kiss? The "this" that you immediately sort of skeevishly toss in Emma's face when she asks what you and Tink are up to, and you sort of leer and make your gross intentions known? Did anyone else feel like this is a path that Hook and Tink have trod before?  #TeamTink for calling him out on his sorry-ass game, but it does sort of feel like an "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice..." moment.

Oh Henry!: How old are you, exactly? Cause you look 14, but in the chronology of the show you're...11/12. Fine. Do 12 year olds have bedtimes? Even if they do, do they still get tucked in? Are we just going to refuse to acknowledge that Henry is ACTUALLY growing up? According to Regina she's been soothing his nightmares for 10 years. And hooray for non conforming and rejecting gender norms, but that lamp was a little...um, unheroic. Henry always struck me as more of a 'knights and lances' kid than rainbows and unicorns. And Regina's CERTAINLY not the hearts and flowers type. So that lamp (That Henry-Pan looks at and the camera focuses on, and is the only source of light in the room) feels really out of place.

Really OUAT Snow?: You're so baby crazy you can't be bothered to work on your relationship with your grown daughter or grandson beyond being super opinionated about her social life? Why are you so rah-rah Neal anyway? Please remember he IS the guy who knocked your daughter up and let her take the fall for him and go to jail.

Riddle me this. If there were an abandoned castle full of weapons, and lets assume provisions as well, why would you NOT attempt to take back the kingdom from THERE? It's possible I'm forgetting something - pretty sure Regina had taken up residence in the Summer Castle for awhile. But knowing there are several (!) malevolent forces that would happily remove you and the erstwhile shepard from your newly aquired thrones, wouldn't you think to have someone HOLD THE CASTLE for you? You have SEVEN dwarves as your queensguard - can't you place three of them (and maybe a werewolf and her crossbow toting granny) and use the place as a B&B.

So you decide you want to spend your honeymoon in a moderately-to-heavily fortified but uninhabited castle in the winter, (clearly those were enchanted dropcloths protecting that expensive weaponry)  designed for summer dwelling, within walking distance of an ancient immortal monster. Smart.

Snow and Charming are the least quiet assassins ever. Also, Snow White you're noble, but dumb as a box of rocks. Let's allow for the possibility that you die going after an "immortal" monster that can turn flesh to stone. WHO'S GOING TO RULE THE KINGDOM IF YOU DIE? You're really just awful at this queencraft thing. But OH HEY YOU GUYS SHE USED THE PERSEUS MIRROR TRICK. Didn't see that coming At. All.

Oh and that line Grumpy fed you about "Thin masonry"? Girl he is STALKING YOUR ASS. Watch yourself.

Happy ...Endings?

1. "It's time for the Darlings to go home." To...London? Seriously, are John and Michael masquerading as a gay couple, and are they going to continue this masquerade with Wendy as their adopted daughter? Because, if so, they are going to need so much Skype time with Dr. Hopper.

2. "Ariel." "Eric." YOU'VE FOUND EACH OTHER NOW KISS END OF STORY. I feel a little bit bad that Ariel's happy ending was sort of flung at her in a 'ohyeahhereyougo' manner, but then, her and Eric's whole storyline romance felt forced and flung. Does he know she is...was...a mermaid? IS she still a mermaid? So many questions. Also, Ariel, for someone who just got legs those are some very high heels. And what kind of fisherman/fishmonger wears a white cable-knit sweater? I've been fishing. I've gutted fish. It is smelly, messy work. You wear weather-sensible water resistant clothing for that kind of work. Maybe Eric's kingdom is just known for poor sartorial choices? At this point, I assume Ariel is some sort of pregnant.

3. An elixir. Just like that. With time for a wardrobe change! Dreamshade CURED FOREVER. It almost makes me miss the days when True Love's Kiss solved everything. (Except the things it didn't.)

Subtext Theatre!

Belle: "So...What now?" (hint hint) "You can start thinking about your future." (hint hint) "There are countless paths you could take." (BITCH WHERE IS MY RING?)

Blue Fairy: "I know [that her name is Tinkerbell]. I just didn't think-" (I didn't think You People would honestly expect me to address you by those 'names' outside of Green History Month.) "In case you forgot, I don't take orders from you." (See You Next Tuesday Madame "Mayor". *snap*)

Snow "Procreation Makes Me Hot" White: "I want to start a family." (BABIES. Babies babies. Chop chop. Let's see that babymaker!)
Prince "Delayed Gratification" Charming: "So do I." (Let's start now. Regina DID tell you where babies come from, right?)
Snow: "We can't wait anymore. We have to start our family now." (BabiesBabiesBabies) "What better way to make a good moment with a child?" (BABIES!!! BAYBEESE!!! RAAAARGHHH PUT BABY IN BELLY!!!)
Charming: "Then a child we shall have." (So, you mean we're really going to do this and not just make out with our clothes on? Oh boy. Give me a minute. That's just...that's a lot of pressure, you know?)

Emma: "You're great parents" (Well, you're parents anyway. I don't really have a frame of reference for GREAT parents do I? Let's think about why that is...)

Regina: "Magic isn't the answer." (Except for when I use it. G'night!)

Reality Check Revue!

The Lady Swan? As in...Elizabeth Swan? First - wrong movie, and Second - JESUS HOOK IT WAS ONE KISS LET IT GO. Also, a little real talk. Neal is Henry's biological father. And with Graham dead (RIP) and Sidney still in the nuthouse (IS he still in there? Someone should really let him out.), he's the only father figure we care about on this show Henry's got. As long as Emma wants to wear the mantle of being Henry's mother, Neal is going to be a Person of Importance in Her Life. Whether it's romantically or not is up to her, but he will ALWAYS be in the picture. Deal. With. It. Or kill him, and be prepared to have THAT hanging over your head.


Random Thoughts: I do kind of like Emma and David having little moments of honesty and understanding. It's good that he knows his (dingaling) wife well enough to know that she's being a little nuts about this Neal thing. Charming speaking sense - we're responsible for our own happiness. Life being about moments. It's not something that happens often, so we'll let him have this one. But a Charming-strong ep of OUAT is like a Meg-ep of Family Guy. #ShutUpMeg

Felix was in jail and Henry-Pan just...let him out, (Is this Storybrook or Mayberry?) but where are the other Lost Boys? I like to think they're just roaming the obviously chilly streets of Storybrooke, because NO one was in any kind of hurry to take them in. Maybe they should have an adoption day at Petco.

Remaining Questions/Crackpot Theories: So what does the Dark Curse need? The last time we saw Regina attempt the curse, she needed a hair from those with the darkest souls (let's assume we're going to ignore that ingredient list because our likelyhood of getting Karl Rove and Kim Jung Un to guest star is low) and the heart of the thing you love the most. This is the one that actually matters. Regina sacrificed her horse and then her father in the name of this curse. This is the kind of curse that requires a sacrifice. The way I see it, there are two...maybe three, hearts Pan can use. He can use Henry's, which is problematic as he's currently inhabiting Henry's body and needs that heart to, y'know, live. The second option...the interesting choice...is using Rumpelstiltskin's. If he's effectively able to cast the curse w/Rumpel's heart, then...he loves his son. He loved him all along, even if he couldn't/wouldn't be any kind of a decent father to him. This could also be the means through which the prophecy is fulfilled. The third maybe-option is to use Pan-on-the-outside-Henry-on-the-inside. It's still physically Pan's heart, so it could be an act of EXTREME narcissism to use that heart, but it might also take out Henry.

Monday Recap: Save....Henry?

Well. Well well well. All the hashtaggery has led us to this episode. And it was an interesting one. [Requisite Spoiler Warning]

Who did we meet?: No one new, but we got a new take on some old characters and it was nice to see the likes of Granny, Archie, and Dr. Whale again.

When and Where did the events take place?: 10/11 years ago in Storybrook, Present Day Neverland.

Wait, what?: Did Rumpel/Gold have his memories or not before the curse broke? He clearly has knowledge of Regina, The Dark Curse, the whole magilla in S1 when he accesses enough magic that the word "please" can stop Regina in her tracks. So did he ever lose his memories? Or has he bluffed the entire time? I want to revisit this, and get some clarity on what Rumpel knew and when. I doubt we will.

Also, how did we solve the problem of getting David out of Neverland? Did we actually figure that out, or are we just depending on Rumpel to twiddle his fingers and fix everything?

Why is this important?: Tinkerbell is getting  her magic back. She's got pixie dust - only a little, and it's inert! (So just, dust then?) Is this the OUAT equivalent of a Chekovian Gun?

Really OUAT?: Yeah, let's just open Pandora's box on the ship. What could possibly go wrong? I knew they should have turned Pan into a puppet.

Oh Henry!: Alright, he was a cute baby. I'll give them that. The OUAT folks know how to cast youngsters...with one notable exception.

Random Thoughts: I'm super bored with Felix and his slow slightly sinister sycophantic repetition.

Is it my imagination, or are some of those Lost Boys girls? Aside from Wendy, I mean. Is it just ordinary childlike androgeny, or are some of them girls?

Regina forgetting her worries for Henry is actually a fairly selfless and insightful act. It's pretty telling that for Henry she was willing to put aside her all-consuming and near constant desire for revenge for Henry's sake, especially when she was so close to returning him to the baby store.

Also YAY Regina - No Regrets! That's a powerful message. I can't regret the bad things I've done because they led me to my son. There's a difference between regret and remorse, and I'll hope for a little redemption for Regina - but now let's take that No Regrets mantra to the next level and say no resentment? Regina's moments with Henry were really sweet and genuine. Way to shut Snow and Emma up. Or down. Whichever. And yay for Rumpel giving her credit for raising him - that ish is WORK.

I wonder if Snow White resents that Regina got to raise a baby? Regina got all that first word/first steps/first tooth stuff that Snow never got with Emma. BUT EMMA WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE MECONIUM.

A spell so no one can ever take your heart...that seems like the kind of thing that's a good idea in theory, but can go horrifically wrong in practice. And by practice, I mean puberty. Of course, it comes in very handy 3 seconds later. But when all this resolves, and everyone is restored to their rightful bodies after the Super Duper Shadow Swap, not being able to take Henry's heart might be a problem for...I dunno, Wendy? Or Jefferson's daughter Grace? Who can eventual teen Henry get paired up with in Storybrook who is age-appropriate and he isn't already related to?

In what universe did two grown men (is being brothers part of their cover story in this world, or...what?) just line up to adopt babies 18 years ago without any raised eyebrows? Is this a progressive take or lazy writing?

Remaining Questions: Alright now let's see which Storybrookian recognizes that Henry is #NotAcuallyHenry.

Will it be Charming and Snow because True Love?

Will it be Emma and Neal because Biology?

Will it be Regina  because Nurture>Nature?

Or will it be Rumpel, because he knows his father's methods, and it will be SUPER AWKWARD because didn't he promise not to kill Henry, but the only way Pan can die is if Rumpel dies and OMIGOD ALL THIS SETUP.

Or will it be Hook when he catches Henry Pan stealing his guyliner.


....I'm betting on Hook.