"Monday" Recap: The Apprentice

I've been lost in the Land of  10,000 excuses! Here are some highlights of my trip:

• jet lag + pms = DED
• unpacking + cramps = crabby beyond all reason
• Let's Cram EVERYTHING into OCTOBER because it's not like we did anything in August. 
• Election season is a freaking moneygrab for so many industries...including mine. Yay dayjob!
• Hulu HATES me for some inexplicable reason. I know I ignored it all summer long to catch up on Buffy and Scandal and Sherlock and Revenge with Netflix, but come on. Get over yourself.

Which is to say, mea mea mea culpa on the backlog. Diving in. Spoilers!

First and foremost, I have to say this was a pretty slick episode. LOTS of Robert Carlyle and Jennifer Morrison and Colin O'Donahue doing their thing, and doing it strong. Lots of points for Michael Socha's facial expressions. A little light on Lana Parilla, but she will get her moments this season, and lots of them, I should think. This episode also dispensed with a lot of conventions, for good and for ill. It's still doing a lot of reiteration and audience hand-holding, and this episode was a bit motivational dialogue heavy, which usually means we're about to get into some action - and the dialogue was tempered with some fun banter between characters. It's nice to see them settling into Life in Storybrooke, whatever that may mean. It's interesting that magic is very much alive, well, and accessible in Storybrooke, which makes me wonder what other characters with other motivations are up to. The answer is obviously, nothing  - because this show is The Charmings meets Modern Family masquerading as a drama.

Second, as anyone who knows me can testify, I have drunk the Disney kool-aid and found it sweet. I am aware that OUAT is little more than a 60-minute commercial in primetime for every "classic" Disney movie property ever. They are absolutely catering to those of us who have grown up with modern Disney classics - they know all those little (let's be real) girls who watched and rewatched The Little Mermaid on VHS until their parents wept tears of blood and brothers big and small rended their hair and garments, are now in their late 20's/early 30's and they are turning childhood nostalgia into ADVERTISING CHEDDAR. ABC is the new Disney Channel boys and girls, and you would do well to remember it. That being said - this has always been true of OUAT. But in S1, they were more subtle about it. Even in S3, Peter Pan borrowed a lot of influence from its many other incarnations, and The Wizard of Oz isn't really a "classic" Disney property, I don't care what James Franco says. WE DO NOT DISCUSS S2.

This season is UNABASHEDLY for the Disney Fandom. It is pandering. I don't mind that it's pandering, but some people do and will. There's no sense in trying to sugarcoat that. Face it for what it is, and decide whether or not you are on board the S.S. Disneyphile.

Who did we meet?: The Apprentice! Who got turned into a mouse of all things. Who ever would have guessed? /sarcasm

Shiny Objects: SO MANY! Hook's hook. Hook's hand. The bucket!box. The neat but sort of unnecessary walking broom. But yay to the FX dept. If ever a broom looked like it meant business, that one sure did. The starry starry hat. The dagger/"wavy knife".

When/Where did the events take place?: "A Long Time Ago". This is now the second time we have seen this so far this season. They have thrown in the towel on timeline. We know that Anna arrives in "Mysthaven" aka The Enchanted Forest roughly two years after the events in Frozen, well after Rumpel becomes and is well established as The Dark One, and before the Dark Curse is cast for the first time by Regina. This is important because we have only seen Anna in flashback up until now. We have no idea where present day Anna (or Kristoff! Or Sven!) might be.

The Incredibles 2: Frozone Boogaloo.

Why is this important?: Is there something about cryohydrokinesis that makes you want to stay in ballgowns all the time? If so, I expect to see some redesigns to Frozone's super suit in The Incredibles sequel.

Oh Henry!: Go ahead and file this under things I never thought I'd blog, but  I'm really impressed with Henry this episode. He got in a little underhanded emotional manipulation (Hi Neal!) with the damn Dark One and it WORKED. It was slick. It was cashing in on wholesome reputation to do a little stealth recon. But maybe learn to sweep a floor like you didn't just have a massive brain hemorrhage?

Wait, what?: Isn't the entire town looking for Princess Snow Kaguya? Sorry - The Snow Queen? And she's just leisurely traipsing about the town in broad daylight in Liberace's dressing gown? As totally over Grumpy-as-mouthpiece as I am, this might have been a useful time for him to show up and utilize his increasingly horrifying brand of mob justice.

Really, OUAT?: Wardrobe...I don't know what to do with you. On the one hand, you put Charming in Adorkable Dad Flannel and got Hook out of those piratey duds that can probably pillage on their own after 2 seasons. On the other hand, no librarian/archivist worth her Dewey Decimals would be caught tripping around day-in-day-out in platform heels, and could we maybe have gotten Hook or Rumpel in some color? Do villains have to be in all black all the time? Seriously, what SEASON is it in Storybrooke. The radio broadcast says that it's 70 degrees, but 30 by the ice wall (ha.) So...is it summer? Maine is a pretty chilly state, no?


Stuff I didn't hate: Sven. Sven all day. If that reindeer doesn't win an Emmy, what is even the use of having Emmy awards?

Didn't hate the nods to Lady and The Tramp (HA! Get it?) on Hook and Emma's date. Cause nothing says "romance" like a knocked up bitch. In general, I'm not hating the use of new locations this season.

Reminding everyone that Rumpel isn't just a threat because of his knowledge of and access to magic, but because of his character. He's manipulative and power-hungry. Much like Hook's hand, the bucket!box/starry hat/wavy knife is not the problem. It's just given him permission to be who he is.

Loving that no new characters are related to Henry. 

Anna and Kristoff. D'aw. Although, I really hope we avoid making Anna's central characteristics "sweet" and "nice". Anna is brave and loyal, and much more interesting than some parts of this episode would have us believe.



Remaining Questions:

• Where's Anna?
• And Kristoff? And SVEN???
• What's up w/the SQ?
• And her relationship to Rumpel? And Emma?
• If she didn't come with a curse, are we about to see magic in "our world" outside of Storybrooke?
• Who's the writer?
• Who's the Sorcerer?
• What happened to Wendy, John, and Michael?

Recap: A Tale of Two Sisters

Who did we meet?: Maid Marrying - oops, I mean Marian and her merry extensions, Princess Anna, Queen Elsa, Social Climber Kristof, and most importantly SVEN.

Shiny Objects: The necklace, clearly.  It was in Gold's shop - is it magical somehow? How did he get it? Why does he still have it? Do we need an episode of Hoarders: Storybrooke, complete with intervention?

When/Where did the events take place?: "A long time ago" (way to phone it in OUAT), Five years after that (which puts it 2 years after the end of  the events that take place in Frozen), and Storybrooke - present day, right where we left our Heroes at the end of S3. Dingdonging the dead witch, and coronating Prince Neal of House Nolan, First of His Name.

Why is this important?: The Enchanted Forest is known as Mysthaven to people in Arendelle. It's nice to see someone getting there via means that are not portal-related.

Why are Hans and his brothers angry? I mean, I get where Hans would be pissed, but why the brothers? Also, is this an opportunity to work in the story of the 12 dancing princesses?? (Which is one of my personal favorite oft-overlooked fairy tales.)

Oh Henry!: More like 'No Henry', amirite? Clearly they are struggling with Henry's evolving role in this world as an adolescent. What of the king stag, when the young stag is grown? Not that Henry is grown yet, but there is just not enough pixie dust to forestall Mother Nature. (hashtag puberty.)

Wait, What?: Someone needs to explain to me how real estate works in Storybrooke, because it's starting to seem like the people Regina shut in the asylum had a pretty sweet gig. Jefferson and Gold (does he have a first name in SB?? We're four seasons in, I feel like this is something we should know.) sort of worked out their housing pre-curse. Inadvertently, in Jefferson's case - but still. Naturally Regina set herself up in a mansion to her personal taste and specifications and everyone else sort of landed mid-story in houses, with jobs, in a bustling little seaside metropolis. Cool.

Then the curse got broken - well, dented - everyone got their memories back, the curse got reversed, then renacted, everyone had just a little bit of memory loss, but then we fixed that too, so we're here in Storybrooke - NOT trapped, with all of our erased memories reinstated. Groovy.

Except that no one seems to remember that David Nolan has a HOUSE. Remember WAY back in S1 when he was married to Kathryn/Abigail and she took off for Boston and Law School? (Good for you lady, way to Lean In and dodge a bullet) They're all squished into Snow's little bachelorette pad for some crazypants reason which I was sort of okay with until Belle saunters into town and announces you can just CLAIM houses?

UmI'msorrywhatnow? "It must have come over in the last curse.", says Belle, before blithely wondering who it belongs to, and then proceeding to not give any f*cks at all about her own curiosity.  I'm starting to seriously think Belle is the most callous of Disney princesses - although in OUAT, they're all pretty much derpy brats.

Do objects come from the EF? Like, entire estates? I get that in the original Dark Curse Regina brought her own shit, and apparently in the Dark Curse Redacted everyone got their stuff BACK (Hi Snow's wig!), so in the DC Lite cast by Snow, abandoned houses are just hauled out of the EF as opposed to generated by the curse like in the DC Original Recipe. Since there is no immediate evidence of an occupant (WHY???) this house that features it's own BALLROOM just belongs to Mr and Mrs Gold now? Finders Keepers Realty, the pride of Storybrooke! I'm also really annoyed that Belle's Storybrooke alias is "Lacey" and not Rose. 1. Rose would have been SO much better and 2. Her Storybrooke name would now be ROSE GOLD. Instead of Lacey Gold. Or Belle Gold. Seriously, WHAT is Rumpel's Storybrooke name?

Really, OUAT?: That title. This episode is NOT a tale of two sisters. It simply isn't. That title is a lazy attempt at being....literary? Clever? It succeeds at nothing and neither. It's a blatant cash-in on Frozen, which is clearly what we can expect from this half of the season, which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Rando Thoughts: Death DID you part, Robin. Why do Enchanted Forest vows not come with escape clauses in case of magic and/or time travel? They should.

"Maybe we should have gone with Baelfire"?? - Charming. What? Gone where? To the valley of the shadow? I mean, I'm not disagreeing - but...what exactly did he mean by THAT?

Rumpel SWITCHED the daggers. So Belle has the real dagger, and he has the fake. But then he snatched the real dagger back to wave the it over the bucket that is now a hat. Maguffins! Whee. So...why have him switch the daggers back? To show that he's trying to be a better man, but he's weak? He could have just had graveside chat time with Bae, and then taken out the dagger, whispered 'I'm sorry Bae', and we would have gotten the point without all the switcheroo.

Anna's wedding is TOMORROW and they are just hauling that long lost gown out of the attic? I really hope Elsa had that thing oxycleaned and was doing a surprise "reveal". And while we are discussing sartorial choices -

Elsa, you clearly can't properly flee in terror in that sparkly gown - so either bust out 'Let it Go' and get it out of all our systems, or ice magick yourself up some trousers and maybe a pair of appropriate footware. I'm thinking Ice Queen of Arandelle meets Tomb Raider. You can keep the braid, everyone wins.

What season is it in Storybrooke?

Remaining Questions: At the beginning of the ep, Anna and Elsa's  mother insists that only the truth can save her daughters. The truth about what? Save them from whom?

Stuff I didn't hate: Sydney's back! And with not much more than a whoops-upside-the-head he's back to being trapped in that mirror. He had better be UPSET about that, because I want to get some mileage out of the hashtags #Mirrorsass and #Mirrorshade. But why does Sydney think he's been in prison "all those years"? And why is he so excited by the thought of killing?

Regina's wardrobe. The evil queen stuff got a little out of control. I like Regina in her power suits, with her on-point brows, and flawless makeup and hair.

Bravo SFX dept on Grand Pabbie and Marshmallow. Nicely done.

"You've got a sister, you're never going to be alone." Solid line, and very Anna-ish. Everything about her delivery is very Anna. At least they're determined to try and do justice to the characterizations originated in the film.